A Cackmas Carol
rating: +26+x

December 24th, 2016. The halls of Site-59 were quiet, thanks to the elaborate network of layered soundproofing and noise-cancelling magnetic grids established for Cell 2337. Perhaps this Christmas Eve would indeed be a Silent Night. (Still, thanks to a particularly tactless Keter three floors below, the "Holy Night" aspect was right out.)

Just outside Cell 2337, a small red sock had been duct-taped to the door - filled with gummy worms.

Within the cell, SCP-2337 had just finished its argument for the existence of God to a pile of synthetic bedding material in the corner. Satisfied that the green strands had agreed with its reasoning by disintegrating into warped confetti, the corn crake fluffed out its feathers. It placed its head in a dark toilet paper tube, and, having sufficiently convinced itself that nighttime had come at last, plopped on the ground and snored. The walls of the cell shook from its god-tier napping skills.

A sudden spark in the center of the cell —

"A thing?!" yelped SCP-2337, flapping its arms in alarm. Darting its head from here to there in search of the uninvited Thing, its eyes came at last to a Thin Blue Thing, sitting in the middle of a patch of ectoplasmic fog: A gummy worm.

"Dr. Spanko," moaned the candy. "Your hour of judgment is come."

"Stranglefruits!" said SCP-2337. "Am a Cackmas miracules!"

"Silence! I am the Ghost of Gummy Worms Past, here to show you the error of your ways. Long have you slaughtered my kin with your gluttonous cruelty. But in the end, who is truly devoured? The weak, taken too soon from life and saved? Or the strong, consumed by the weight of—"

Before the ghost could finish, SCP-2337 snatched it in its beak and slid it down its throat in one swift move.

Gourd Cack the us,

Eleventy-one!

(And how!)

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