Accelerando's Personnel File
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Janitor Doe with his favorite ficus.

Name: Alex Ron Doe

Security Clearance: Level 1

Position: Your friendly neighborhood janitor

History: Mr. Ron Doe was found aimlessly wandering the streets of [REDACTED] during the containment breach of SCP-████. After being subsequently harassed for its possessions by SCP-████, he was then subdued by present Agents, who managed to contain SCP-████ after offering various assorted fruits to it.

Prior to their scheduled administration of amnestics, Mr. Ron Doe mentioned that he was a musician and composer, and would prefer to not forget how to properly play a kettle drum. After several hours of deliberation, it was then agreed that he could take up the position of janitor at Site-30, and occasionally perform during lunch and break hours. However, staff were not informed of Mr. Ron Doe's love of the atonal, minimalistic, aleatoric, and pretty much any damn avant-garde genre of music. He was subsequently booed off the stage during his first performance of Music for 18 Musicians for being unable to simultaneously play two marimbas. Due to this incident, Mr. Ron Doe has chosen not to respond to any negative criticism towards his music unless he is holding a microphone.


Articles Filed:

  • SCP-2760 - Eccentric Flailing Air-Powered Dragons

Articles Mr. Ron Doe assisted in filing:


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What even is this get it off your file Doe

Wait a second. How the hell did this guy actually get these files approved? - Dr. September

Mr. Ron Doe has requested the transfer of Dr. September to Site-██.


Honestly, he isn't even that great of a musician. Have you heard him try to play 4'33"? He somehow managed to mess that song up! - Dr. Cage

Mr. Ron Doe has requested the removal of Dr. Cage from his position as a researcher.


He fucking begged me for help on writing these up. Good lord, you should have seen the grammar and syntax errors. - Dr. D.H. Aeslinger, Psy.D.

Mr. Ron Doe has requested the termination of all personnel that were asked to help forge his reports.


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