Crack Fiction Contest (ONE DAY ONLY!)

Crack Fiction. The dark, stank filled corner of the internet that the SCP Foundation — with all its rules, organization, and grammar-filled-goodness — stands strongly against, rallies against, and prevents from filling our site.

Until now.

The Contest

You will write a piece of crack fiction for the site. The title has already been chosen, and there are certain requirements that come with each title. Each level of difficulty will give you the chance to earn more and more points.

The "Winners"

The winners will be determined by a combination of judges and rating. The judges (who are entirely impartial) will be required to drink heavily before scoring. As a note, this contest will employ no judges who are aged 21 or younger, in accordance with regulations and laws concerning the consumption of alcohol.

Bonus points are awarded for selecting higher difficulties. Further bonus points will be awarded if the subject of the story actually upvotes your story. Collusion and coercion are highly encouraged.

The top rated stories will be read aloud by selected staff members and posted to the site with those stories — for all eternity.

Being Classy



The basic rules of the contest are as follows:

  1. You must write a story using one of the titles. Once a title is claimed, no one else can write about it. You claim a title by editing this page and adding your name to the end of the title in the provided formatting. Once you've posted, edit again and make the title link to your page.
  2. Your entry must meet the word count requirements as listed with the title. These word counts were determined using the subject's highest and lowest SCP numbers. Use WordCounter to determine the total. The title doesn't count against the word count.
  3. Your entry should be in the 'tale' format. While it may include other elements from the site (SCP excerpts, for example), it should be a tale primarily.
  4. Once posted, you may not be delete or edit your entry, regardless of performance. Articles that dip into the deletion range are expected.
  5. No Minions©
  6. Judges are given a list of things to look for in each piece of crackfiction, but they are also given the latitude to rule that "they are just too drunk for this shit" and award whatever they want.
  7. Erotica, while not required, is technically permissible. However, it should be tagged 'adult' and possess a short disclaimer.
  8. Once posted, the entry should be tagged with "af2016".
  9. No whining. Points will be deducted for whining.
  10. Whine. Points will be awarded for whining.

Time Frame


Story Tiers

Bonus points are awarded for selecting a higher tier, as noted. Read above for claiming stories.


Safe articles have no additional requirements and receive no bonus points.

Title Claim Site Score Judge / Bonus
Professor Bjornsen and the Worst Sweater Ever Hihahaba -17 0
If It Looks Like a Duck, Swims Like a Duck, and Quacks Like a Duck, It's Probably a Shapeshifting Living Nightmare Eta Carinae 8 0
Sophia Light At The End Of The Tunnel Steeltitan 6 0
Glass x Diogenes 4 Life! <3 Silberescher 2 0
A Shotglass Full Of The Strongest Drink You Know rumetzen 3 0
Flames in the Time of Cholera 0vErG71tCh 12 0
Gears is totally not a robot, guys! Dr Solo 24 0
Ruiz Sobers Up Leviathan34 1 0
Why Quikngruvn Halifax Never Smoked Marijuana Again Dr Theodore S. Hysteria 8 3
This is Why We Leave the Fucking Lids on the Garbage Bins EldritchCyanide 10 5
My Beloved Gecko Decibelles 11 2
How Tilda Moose Got Their Groove Back Zyn 9 1
Quik and Morty Vanson -8 0
The Factually Correct and Profoundly Engrossing Story of Rose Labelle, Savior of Site 19, Bane of the Anomalous, and Emissary of the Library, in which She Ventures into Lands Unknown to Search for the Lost Tome of the Daevite Empire, Meets Several Beings Both Alien and Divine, Discovers (and Slays) the Darkness within Her Own Heart, and Enjoys a Complimentary Continental Breakfast at a Two Star Hotel thedeadlymoose 2 5

THE WINNER FOR SAFE IS…. Gears is totally not a robot, guys! by Dr Solo!


Euclid articles must include a character from a different work of fiction. Bonus points will be awarded for both obscurity (the non-Chewbacca Wookie from Attack of the Clones) or popularity (Naruto). Additional points will be given if at least one staff member squees on the discussion page. Even more points will be awarded for one act of horrible mischaracterization.

Title Claim Site Score Judge / Bonus
Heiden Weeps FUCKING KAKTUS 10 4
Harry Potter and the Amulet of Immortality FuzzyRobin -3 2
Brothers in Arms: A Strelnikov/Heavy Weapons Guy story EmberTech 4 0
SyFy Channel Presents: BEARMAGGEDON!!! kol aumer 1 2
Impressive, You Seem to Have Self-Terminated HatIsMyFriend AKA MrHat -4 2
The Old Man and the CK-Class Reality Restructuring Event A Blessed Feline who's also a total noob and this edit is his first ever on this site!!! 0 2
Dr Gerald and Mr Magoos Big Day Out With Pee Wee Herman!! SinfulSyntax -1 2
The Spider and the Flower: Natasha Romanoff/Pepper Potts/SCP-105/Andrea S. Adams Dewman 4 5
Love And Relative Dimensions in Fate: Dr. Clef/Doctor Who Cyantreuse 26 7
Everett Mann and the Great Mustache Fiasco|Everett Mann and the Great Mustache Fiasco Steeltitan -1 2
Not Just A Cat In A Labcoat clone 38 3
The Minions© day at the scp Randomini 37 7

THE WINNER FOR EUCLID IS…. The Minions© day at the scp by Randomini


Keter articles must be entirely dialogue or possess none at all to be awarded bonus points.

Title Claim Site Score Judge / Bonus
Fried Chicken & Lime Jello, the Dr. Bjornsen story Dmatix 1 3
Constipation So Bad, You'll Need a Shot of Pitocin CumaeanSibyl 2 2
Gaff, and the World Gaffs with You Tophatlord -3 2
It's Not Pronounced Like the Thesaurus, Dammit! Kestin 15 4
Son of Fritz Williams: The Administrationing DrMorris -6 2
Father of Lies: A Drabble DodoDevil -3 2
The Seven Deadly Sins Series: Dr. Johannes Sorts (Sloth) Dr Theodore S. Hysteria 2 2
Avery Solace: Dr. Scary Fucker Jb_adder -21 2
Scruff, Claws, Paws- A Nekoverse!AU (SCP-2000, Gears, Troy Lament) Perelka_L 13 2
Look Asshole, Your Tab's Seven Months Old and This is the Third Time You've Pissed on My Tables. Zmax15 -9 2
Lust in the Time of Anomalous Cholera WrongJohnSilver 12 5

THE WINNER FOR KETER IS…. It's Not Pronounced Like the Thesaurus, Dammit! by Kestin


Neutralized articles must be posted on or You must link to the crossposting in the discussion page to receive bonus points.

Title Claim Site Score Judge / Bonus
Kill "The Headlights" and Put It in Neutral(ized) Jack Ike 0 2
Dr. Chelsea Elliott's Guide to Sticking that Green Thumb Right Up Your Ass church1alpha -1 2
Legally a Falcon (For Tax Purposes) Waterfire 4 2
Clef and Adams Roadtrip to Russia QuillofBlindie -7 2
SCP the Anime, part 4 (Gears/Iceberg, Clef/Kondraki, Rights/Light, Kain, monkey!Bright) MrWrong 6 3
Not Just A Sun-Launcher: The Trials & Tribulations of Dr. Epiphany Trebuchet The Lord O' Stonefish 0 2

THE WINNER FOR NEUTRALIZED IS…. SCP the Anime, part 4 (Gears/Iceberg, Clef/Kondraki, Rights/Light, Kain, monkey!Bright) by MrWrong


Thaumiel articles must also include your own character. This character cannot already exist in the SCP Foundation. Bonus points are awarded based of how much of a Mary Sue they are and how vehemently you attempt to show (in the story) that they aren't actually.

Title Claim Site Score Judge / Bonus
Troy Lament and the Terror Ferrets of Darkling Lane Hercules Rockefeller 4 5
CASEFILE 99A-FC3: A Psych Profile by A. Bjornsen asriel17 3 3
Agent Imants Plumbing Pool Repair and Pizza Delivery Service Eekium 5 3
Pretty Magic Gaiden Mecha Tokyo Mon Demon Ninja Sailor Clef rumetzen 14 6
Lawyer jokes are funny when Sheldon Katz tells them fastandbulbous -10 2
Zyn: kaiju butterfly ninja master Aiden Eldritch 4 5
The Tilda Moose Who Shagged Me A Random Day -7 2
Alto Clef Jr.: Fins of the Father DolphinSlugchugger 14 5
A Fat Ghost and Other Things That Go Bump In the Night DoctorGrindsler 0 2
Virgil the Goldfish's Big Day Out DAVSTO 4 2
Silber Strikes Back! (OC DO NOT STEAL!!!!!) ahbonjour 3 2
Orgy Five Counsel 9: XXXK End of Virginity Scenario TyGently 17 4
'Cause I'm Bluesoul (Da Ba De Da Ba Da) DoctorGrinslder -11 3
Metaphysician's Drop-Dead-Service: 10.95 minmin 11 5

THE WINNER FOR THAUMIEL IS…. Orgy Five Counsel 9: XXXK End of Virginity Scenario by TyGently


Decommissioned articles must contain one spelling or grammar mistake every one to two sentences to be awarded bonus points. If these are "arguable" mistakes, the judge makes the call.

Title Claim Site Score Judge / Bonus
lazy day at siet 37 ChrisAKAPiefish -5 2
My Loever, the Dog: The Incredibly True Story of Kain Pathos Crow Zmax15 18 4
Dr. Bridge Over Troubled Water Kestin 5 3
Zyn Kriyu only she's a buterfly TL333s 2 3
Teh Fantem of teh opura Cyantreuse 11 2
Carlysle Aktus is a prickly bastard (AN: high school AU) bouncl 3 5
foundation internets… haced DrStranger -8 2
lurking in the shadows Eekium -4 2
lode faster DAMIT MrAnakinSpecter -11 2
Wiggle Youre Wogglebug Shaggydredlocks -6 2

THE WINNER FOR DECOMMISSIONED IS…. My Loever, the Dog: The Incredibly True Story of Kain Pathos Crow by Zmax15

Points were awarded by judges (who picked up to five which they wanted to award points to). Additional points were awarded for being translated (because I was amazed), if the target of the contest upvoted it, and if it met the tier requirements. Each tier got its own winner, as noted above!

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