Background: During regular testing SCP-185 was set to a Foundation used frequency and the year 20██ was entered into the keypad. The following transmission was recorded.
Research Assistant Corbette: Hello! I'm your commentator, Salman Corbette!
"Redacted" Pagan: And "Redacted" Pagan with the fourth annual Anomalympics, hosted this year by the Foundation itself, in conjunction with the Global Occult Coalition: "Protecting Humanity, whether it likes it or not!"
Research Assistant Corbette: Haha, let's not be too harsh on them, Pag. We've also got a few guests from the Chaos Insurgency, Agents ██████████ and ███████, participating in a few events.
"Redacted" Pagan: We even have a few members of the enigmatic club from Europe, Marshall, Carter, and Dark Ltd., competing. It's amazing to see the kind of sportsmanship that comes around this time of year, wouldn't you say?
Research Assistant Corbette: Well, it's always good to just place politics aside and have some nice, friendly competition. Unfortunately, the ORIA agents were not able to make. Some sort of nuclear crisis going on. But, let's get started, shall we?
"Redacted" Pagan: Of course. For our first event, we have the beloved classic 1000 Yard Dash! From the SCP Foundation we have SCP-076-2, otherwise known as Able, who has chosen this event to show off, in his words, "What it means to have fun."
Research Assistant Corbette: From The Chaos Insurgency Agent ███████ will be "proving superiority", and apparently Mr. ██████████ from Dark Ltd. will be racing under sponsorship. We also have guest competitor Dr. Bright, who claims that his monkey legs aren't going to stop him from doing anything.
"Redacted" Pagan: And the firing of the Sun Launcher signals the opening of the competition! Agent ███████ of the Chaos Insurgency seems to take an early lead, with Able tripping over his unlaced shoes! He's muttering something in Sumerian, but that's not important right now.
Research Assistant Corbette: Wait, hold on, I’ve just gotten word that due to the anomalous nature of several contestants, the event has been changed to the 1000 meter dash. Officials are lengthening the track right now… And Mr. ██████████ is catching up to the Agent. I must say, doesn't he look good with that Bauer sponsored helmet on?
"Redacted" Pagan: Very much so, and it seems as though wearing a helmet has paid off, as Dr. Bright has procured a banana peel from his racing leotard, thrown it across the field, and has caused Mr. ██████████ to trip! I would say that's cheating, but with Able on the field, I guess nothing is!
Research Assistant Corbette: Oooh, I don't think he's going to recover from that setback. And it looks like Dr. Bright and Agent ███████ have caught up to one another, with Able just lagging behind.
"Redacted" Pagan: It's a very close race, very close indeed but… WOW it seems Agent ███████ just went topless to stun Dr. Bright! Now, sexual warfare is just a low-blow, but we should have expected that from our friends at the Chaos Insurgency!
Research Assistant Corbette: And with Dr. Bright sent stumbling, Agent ███████ wins the race! But Able doesn't seem to be happy.
"Redacted" Pagan: Ah, he'll get over it, it seems 73, Cain, is coming over to help up his brother, and is teaching him how to tie his own shoes. Now that's the kind of thing we want to see here at the Anomalympics.
Research Assistant Corbette: Good thing too, or else the Chaos Insurgency might be out for the three-legged race. (Laughs).
"Redacted" Pagan: Ah, those violent days of Able are over, Salman, ever since we convinced him of [static for 23 seconds] he's happy to lend a… rather competitive hand!
Research Assistant Corbette: Of course! But now onto a much looked forward to event, wrestling.
"Redacted" Pagan: Sadly, Able can't participate in this event because of the incident last year when he broke 72% of Wrench ██████████ of the Church of the Broken God's body. I would make a joke right now, but the poor guy is still being treated.
Research Assistant Corbette: So instead we were able to get 682 to participate! Of course, he originally declined the offer, but after [static for approximately 30 seconds] -appy to join in.
"Redacted" Pagan: Under current regulations, 682 is forced to remain at 32% of his original size so that other participants can have a chance, but thanks to some convincing on the Foundation's part, he was glad to oblige.
Research Assistant Corbette: Well, let's just hope that acid was strong enough. Also participating is Agent ██████████ of the Chaos Insurgency, Madame ██████████ of Dark Limited, and SCP-096.
"Redacted" Pagan:It seems the Madame is dressing up in some sort of suit… Agent ██████████ as well, do you have any information on these, Salman?
Research Assistant Corbette: I'm just getting information that the two were previously professional wrestlers. Sweet Tooth and The Crushnugget, respectively. Thankfully 682 has also been trained in wrestling. If you look now you can see them placing a Luchadore mask on his partially dissolved head.
"Redacted" Pagan: What a small world we live in, indeed.
Research Assistant Corbette: Of course, we can’t have 096 showing his face, and so he’s wearing SCP-035 with pride, along with SCP-619-J. Apparently we are “piling on every SCP we can to kill that fucking lizard”.
"Redacted" Pagan: So…what happens if that Abomination we’ve built wins?
Research Assistant Corbette: “We’ll nuke the fucker”. The fucker being the abomination, I believe.
”Redacted” Pagan: That’s an order from Site Command?
Research Assistant Corbette: That’s an order from the referee, who looks quite scared right now.
”Redacted” Pagan: Wish I could get a headset like that.
Research Assistant Corbette: Well Pagan, being a Research Assistant does have its benefits. Perhaps one day they’ll promote me and I’ll get an actual chair.
”Redacted” Pagan: Well, I’m fine being a [static for 12 seconds] but back to the current subject: This is going to be an interesting, if not blindingly horrifying match! The participants are geared up and ready to go. Who do you have your money set on this match, Corbette?
Research Assistant Corbette: I'm gonna have to go with 682 myself, since it’s so hard to destroy. (Pause) Apparently 682 prefers to go by the name El Reptilioso in this state, and we'll be referring to him as that for the rest of the event.
"Redacted" Pagan: Because of the late entry of 96, the two Foundation entrants will face each other, with Sweet Tooth and Crushnugget in their own match.
Research Assistant Corbette: Our first match will be 96 vs. El Reptilioso, who are stepping into the ring now. 96 and/or 35 appears to be shouting about the blood of his forefathers, while El Reptiloso is growling loudly. The referee steps into the ring and the bell is rung.
"Redacted" Pagan: And… I can't believe how fast he did it, but 96 has already gotten 682 into a triangle hold! I guess 35 is really taking advantage of 96’s strength!
Research Assistant Corbette: Wait? What's this? An audience member has just thrown something onto the stage! Why, it's SCP-572!
"Redacted" Pagan: A move like that seems pretty risky, “pride goeth before the fall” and all that…
Research Assistant Corbette: 682's already picked it up, and is slashing it around with it, trying to find 96.
"Redacted" Pagan: And… mother of 343! 96 lunged onto the scaly bastard's back!
Research Assistant Corbette: Oof, that's gotta hurt. But it looks like Reptilioso already noticed the abomination and is turning around now, slashing.
"Redacted" Pagan: Just what was 35's plan in doing that!? It seems he's already been hit by the blade and… how the hell are we letting a sword pass in this!?
Research Assistant Corbette: I don't know, but it's goddamn entertaining. Oh, and 96 falls over.
"Redacted" Pagan: El Reptiliso walks toward the… thing and… WOW, 96 was playing possum!
Research Assistant Corbette: He seems to have surprised Reptilioso. And… Jesus! I don't know how he did it, but he somehow has Reptilioso in a Nelson.
"Redacted" Pagan: This is indescribable! Reptilioso has grown arms on the back of his head and… now has 96 in a german suplex!
Research Assistant Corbette: 96 and/or 35 is shouting something about his 'destrucisity'. He seems to be stretching down and… he grabbed the sword from Reptilioso's mouth! Oh, and a straight whack on the head. That's gonna leave a mark.
"Redacted" Pagan: And it now appears that Reptilioso just doesn't care anymore! He's grabbed 35 and appears to… oh no! He just pulled it off! Holy shi- [static is heard for 43 minutes].
"Redacted" Pagan: Give a round of applause, Madame Sweet Tooth is this year's champion in wrestling, and not a single nuke went off! If you missed even a second of the action, you would definitely be surprised at the Madame's performance!
Research Assistant Corbette: Thank god we all went blind right when that mask was removed! And now onto our next event and a favourite of all, 110-Montauk.
"Redacted" Pagan: And it seems a variety of spectators have just lost their lunch, [pause] but no fear, after the horrible events of SCP-231-7 and the [static for 2 minutes 12 seconds] -ven was cured, and the Foundation took her horrible procedure and made it the name of: The Bikini contest!
"Redacted" Pagan: 231-7, however, is now enjoying a picnic lunch with 053, and several spectators.
"Redacted" Pagan: It appears that the bruises from Madame Sweet Tooth of Dark Limited are going to hurt her chances this year!
Research Assistant Corbette: Not to mention that she appears to have been given several shots of testosterone. In fact, I've just gotten information that Dr. Bright has disqualified her from this competition.
"Redacted" Pagan: And there she goes, poor girl… well, at least she can take solace in the fact she won something… and WOW, her replacement from Dark Limited is something out of a fantasy book! It appears to be a tall [static for 3 seconds] -ronze skinned [static]wom[static] her entry form states she's MC&DL Curio-BAC-7, and as her letters indicate, she has some BACK.
Research Assistant Corbette: Actually, I've just gotten word that Dark Limited had just gotten a hold of 826. Sources say this may be the mystical Aphrodite we are looking at.
"Redacted" Pagan: She appears to wear a collar of sorts…the classic MC&D Slave collar and Bright has graciously allowed the collar to stay on due to the events of a likely XK-Scenario from an angry goddess.
Research Assistant Corbette: And here comes 105, dressed in a nice one-piece.
"Redacted" Pagan: You have to appreciate the modesty of the girl… though it seems Bright doesn't.
Research Assistant Corbette: Right behind 105 is 347. And what a stunner she is in a complimentary bright green bikini. Really leaves a lot to the imagination, as can be seen by the expression of several doctors watching.
"Redacted" Pagan: Judging from their looks, it does appear to be the first time most of the attendees have seen 347’s assets.
Research Assistant Corbette: Oh, who's that looker there? It's Agent ███████, from the Chaos Insurgency, who had previously tripped up Bright with what she's showing off now. And doesn't she look great in that itsy-bitsy thing?
"Redacted" Pagan: However, the showing appears for naught as Bright seems to hold a grudge against for what she did in the first event, giving a very disapproving nod as his only clue to his judgment.
Research Assistant Corbette: Just goes to show, you never tick off the judges.
"Redacted" Pagan: And here comes that "Aphrodite" to strut her proverbial stuff! With a very provocative display, she shows off her V-shaped swimsuit and in a STUNNING moment it appears Dr. Bright has made some comment about his bananas!
Research Assistant Corbette: (Pause) And the results are in. It's a surprising four-way tie. (Pause) Apparently the winner will be chosen by sexual fav- And they're dragging Dr. Bright offstage.
"Redacted" Pagan: Well, it appears no-one wins this event… (pause) Well, isn't this a surprise? The newest judge is supposedly Dr. Clef! (Pause)
"Redacted" Pagan: Now of course, this is in no way biased, as the judges for these kinds of events are always decided upon whom is hosting it, and as the Foundation is hosting it this year, we have our pick of the judges, we tried to get Nobody, but not even that box could get a hold of him… her… it… them.
Research Assistant Corbette: [static for approximately 3 minutes] -O5-6 is now beating Clef and declaring that there are no winners and this competition was not actually planned.
"Redacted" Pagan: Well, what a rousing display that was. Several men, and women, had to leave the audience when Agent ███████ and BAC-7 started their catfight! But onto our next event…
Research Assistant Corbette: Anomalous trivia!
"Redacted" Pagan: Now, as per regulations, AI's and machines are NOT allowed…(pause) It appears that this rule does NOT apply to individuals augmented with technology… several members of the Chaos Insurgency and Dark LTD. Seem relieved.
Research Assistant Corbette: Of course we have our own robot, Dr. Gears! (Laugh) Up now we have Agent ██████████ of the Chaos Insurgency and a rather brainy looking representative for Dark Limited up to compete with Dr. Gears.
"Redacted" Pagan: And when we say brainy we mean BRAINY, it appears that the contestant has a BULGING brain almost protruding through the skull… and it just twitched… I may lose my lunch if I continue looking at it.
Research Assistant Corbette: The contestants step up to their places and are each given a large, red button. Janitorial staff are being called in to clean up the spinal fluid dripping behind the Dark Limited representitive.
"Redacted" Pagan: Now the first question is: What event occurred that caused the emergence of [static for 20 seconds]?
Research Assistant Corbette: -ears takes the first point.
"Redacted" Pagan: And the second question - in what year did the schism between the Chaos Insurgency and SCP Foundation take place?
"Redacted" Pagan: [static for 12 seconds] …It appears that the Dark Limited representative takes that point!
"Redacted" Pagan: Surprising indeed!
Research Assistant Corbette: Third question is a Foundation specialty: What are the main components of 173's metal? [static for 7 seconds] Dr. Gears wins that one.
"Redacted" Pagan: By correctly guessing it was a trick question and then stating [static] of wh- [static for 12 minutes].
Research Assistant Corbette: And Dr. Gears wins a stunning victory of 20-5-7. Of course, he was almost a shoe-in when the Dark Limited representative's head exploded, and took out Agent ██████████.
"Redacted" Pagan: The foundation appears to be in the lead, but we have several events lef- [static] -umball blowin- [static] -pture the fla-[static for 17 minutes 42 seconds] and now onto the half-time show!
”Redacted” Pagan: Also, Marilyn Monroe, circa 1961, has been provided to us by our friends from Marshall, Carter, and Dark through use of SCP-826 and Mr. Carter’s personal magazine collection.
Research Assistant Corbette: And here’s the first song, Piano Man by Billy Joel. We’ll hook up the audio of the singing to our broadcast now.
[DATA EXPUNGED ON O5 REQUEST]
”Redacted” Pagan: What an astounding performance, Salman. Not a dry eye in the house… field… whatever! The point is, everyone was deeply moved by the performance of the half-time show!
Research Assistant Corbette: Indeed. [Sound of nose being blown]. And now onto our next eve- [Static for 2 hours and 5 minutes]
Research Assistant Corbette: -and 173 gets another hit. Foundation leads 85 to 79.
"Redacted" Pagan: And I'm greatly astounded by 173's performance. However, as the game is Marco-Water-Polo I can understand why!
Research Assistant Corbette: Indeed. And the game finishes with Leopotamus scoring a final goal. Foundation wins!
"Redacted" Pagan: The Dark Representative put up a great fight, but [static for 13 minutes]-hat a wonderful [static]-ame of tug of war!
Research Assistant Corbette: The Foundation had to take a loss on that one, but with Sweet Tooth the Dark Limited was bound to win. And now onto our final event.
"Redacted" Pagan: With the SCP Foundation and Chaos Insurgency tied, and the event being worth an astounding 40 points, whomever wins this will be declared the champion.
Research Assistant Corbette: We will now conclude with an old classic, beach volleyball.
"Redacted" Pagan: Unlike previous events, the teams will be mixed together, and the winners of that team will face off in a one on one volleyball championship match!
"Redacted" Pagan: That's odd, Agent ██████████ of the Chaos Insurgency is wearing a long coa-(pause) It seems that the Chaos Insurgency has recently gotten hold of SCP-262, the Coat of Many Arms.
Research Assistant Corbette: This will be an interesting match indeed. Of course, it wouldn't be possible without Dr. Smith [static for 2 minutes] -omehow was able to get the volleyball's fortune told. Of course now we have two normally hostile SCP objects participating in a fun and engaging sport.
"Redacted" Pagan: The participants have shook hands…which has to be seen to be believed. And the competition has started, Grammie kicking it off with a three-handed cannon!
Research Assistant Corbette: Of course actual Grammie will be sitting on the sidelines, with those nasty hands poking out of a rift that's opened up on the cou- WHAM what a spike!
"Redacted" Pagan: And returned by Lady Sweet Tooth, you have to give the lady credit, Salman, we can safely say that she really is the only human in this competition!
Research Assistant Corbette: And a failed return by Grammie. Point Sweet Tooth. But wait, a sudden serve by 372 and a failed return by Agent ██████████. Bet he didn't see that coming.
"Redacted" Pagan: He really doesn't seem to have training with that Coat… practice makes perfect.
Research Assistant Corbette: And slam another spike by 372. At least, I think so.
"Redacted" Pagan: It's very hard to say with all of these arms on the field… (pause) And it seems that Bright is trying to call the game off for claiming it an affront to beach volleyball… citing lack of desirable women. (pause) And the complaints go on deaf ears as the game goes on!
Research Assistant Corbette: Hah, well Pag, would you say he's talking about Sweet Tooth or Grammie?
"Redacted" Pagan: Well, Salman, I'm guessing that since one of them is an inanimate statue, he's referring to Sweet Tooth… And it seems those complaints didn't fall on deaf ears as Sweet Tooth just scowled into the audience and MISSED a return.. that is going to seriously hurt her chances!
Research Assistant Corbette: And as the game comes to a close it looks like Grammie and 372 will come out the winners here, making the Foundation this year's Anomalympics winners.
"Redacted" Pagan: ….and Sweet Tooth has made a MAD dash to Bright within the audie-OH that has GOT to hurt, I'm glad that the camera isn't on her right now as I'm sure the Anomalympics would surely get a higher rating for the violence taking place!
[static] (monkey screams followed by crashes) [static]
"Redacted" Pagan: She's torn apart a quarter of the bleachers! I may have to redact saying she's a normal huma-[static]
Research Assistant Corbette: And Agent ██████████ stumbles and falls on that last return. An amaz- What the 914 making sweet love to Gears? How did Sweet Tooth learn 110 Montau- [Static for 40 minutes]
"Redacted" Pagan: And the day's activities are winding down with everyone gathering around the Anomalympic Flame, generously provided by SCP-457, the Burning Man, after convincing him of [static for 12 minutes] breaking into song led by 661 [static] Marshall, Carter and Dark Ltd. have started their auction. [Static for 5 minutes]
Research Assistant Corbette: -eet Tooth sold for [static for 2 minutes] -nd what a great day that was. From [static] I'm Salman Corbette…
"Redacted" Pagan: And this is "Redacted" Pagan. And yes, I do have to say "Redacted"… it sounds cooler, and these have been:
Research Assistant Corbette: The Anomalypics. Thank you and goodnight.
[Static for 5 minutes 12 seconds before the transmission ends]
Closing Statement: Foundation personnel are currently searching for individuals with the surname "Pagan". Research Assistant Corbette was questioned; however, it was determined that he had no knowledge of the transmission. He did express distress, however, that he had not yet been promoted after ██ years. No known proposals for the "Anomalympics" or anything similar have been discovered.