Welcome to NEXUS-08. Welcome to Night Vale.
Good evening, Night Vale: this is Lee Baker filling in for Cecil, and this is Night Vale at Night. It is currently nine o’clock PM, and the temperature outside is seventy-three degrees. It has been seventeen days since the last radioactive sludge-being crawled from the sewers.
Now, you’re probably wondering where Cecil is. He had to call in sick tonight, so I got called in. I apologize for any hiccups along the way, but I’ve got all the notes he left for me right here.
Now to start things off, today’s news.
Meg of Meg’s Good Eatin’ was arrested by the sheriff’s secret police this afternoon, after punching a visiting tourist in the face. According to the victim, the attack was provoked only by his asking of “You know there are mysterious lights above the diner, right?” When questioned, Meg gave the statement “You can only be asked the same damn question so many times.”
The sheriff has given us assurance that Meg will be back making her famous Heart Attack on a Plate soon enough, and would like to remind everyone that all flying saucers and mysterious lights seen over the next few weeks are no cause for alarm. It is their mating season, and they will be moving on to their migration grounds by the end of the month.
The sheriff’s office would also like to remind all citizens to be on the lookout for the man and woman responsible for hijacking and stealing the car of Mr. Everett Hoover. The car is a blue 1972 Ford Pinto, and the carjackers are known to be a blonde-haired woman wearing a Led Zeppelin t-shirt and middle-eastern man wearing a red baseball cap, both in their thirties. According to Mr. Hoover, the pair, upon violently tossing Mr. Hoover out of his vehicle, proclaimed that they needed to borrow his car, on account that the chupacabra messiah had been kidnapped, and they needed to get her back.
Please do not feed the chupacabras, and ignore all of their attempts at proselytizing.
In addition, if you happen to be driving out late at night and see a police car, please make sure to properly identify it as belonging to the sheriff’s secret police. If the car is on fire, it is most likely a demon cop rather than the sheriff’s secret police. If the police car is on fire, and you hear unexplained expletives coming from your radio, I advise speeding up. You might be able to outrun him.
Popular self-help book Star Signals has been pulled from the shelves of the Night Vale Community Library and Cthulhu Corner Books, due to complaints by readers of “eldritch visions of the maddening, unfathomable beyond”. No word has been given as to when the book will be re-released.
Now, onto our community calendar…
Herman Fuller’s Circus of the Disquieting is in town through tomorrow, so if you haven’t been able to get to one of the showings, you’ve only got a few shows left until they pack up and head off to parts unknown.
Friday night is the annual Rocky Horror Picture Show – Spleen Eaters from Venus double feature in the Night Vale Memorial Dog Park, put on by the Alexylva Community College at Night Vale Movie Club. Admission and refreshments are free, but donations to the Dog Park and the Movie Club are appreciated.
This Saturday is the First Divided Fifthist Church’s Annual Pancake Buffet, from ten in the morning until seven in the evening. A raffle will be held after the dinner, and door prizes will be given out throughout the day. Tickets are seven dollars for adults and three dollars for children under 12. Regular, buckwheat, and the First Divided’s famous bonemeal pancakes will be served.
Now our biggest story.
Night Vale was thrown into a hubbub this morning, when a mysterious man arrived with a U-Haul, and took up residence in the abandoned loft next to Big Rocco’s Pizza. The man, claiming to be a scientist, unloaded over two dozen crates with unknown contents, and declined to comment as to his purpose here in Night Vale. He was later seen at Big Rocco’s with a half-dozen other individuals wearing labcoats. According to Frankie, of Frankie’s Bar and Grill, the betting pool was five to one in favor of meth house, seven to one for Russian prostitution ring, and ten to one for interdimensional meth-prostitute ring.
However, these suspicions were laid somewhat to rest during a town meeting called in the afternoon by the mysterious visitor, who claimed his name was Carlos.
[shuffling of papers]
I, uh, I can’t seem to find his last name written down anywhere. Just Carlos. And uh, the minutes are very vague…the majority of what I have here is just…descriptions of Carlos No-Name-Given. Just really long descriptions of Carlos.
“He has a square jaw and teeth like a military cemetery…perfect and beautiful hair… perfect and beautiful coat”…It just goes on like this through the entire thing. [Shuffling of papers] Just notes and notes and notes…
“He grinned, and everything about him was perfect, and I fell in love instantly.”
This is in the notes, ladies and gentlemen, and not in the margins, either. As far as I can tell, he was actually planning on saying this, on live radio. If he wasn’t, I might have just ruined his reputation, so…yeah.
I really don’t know what to say. It’s just pages of this…he keeps repeating “His hair is perfect”, over and over and over again…Oh… he drew art.
From what I can make out of the actual meeting, events of note include Old Woman Josie’s corn muffins, and Carlos No-Name-Given talking about studying the town with his scientist friends. I can’t seem to find anything on what he plans on studying, or what kind of scientist he is, but there is mention that the vaguely menacing paragovernmental agents were back in town, which is a something of a relief.
That’s all I have on that, ladies and gentlemen.
[Pause, shuffling of papers, faint throat-clearing]
I’m going to be honest, I’m concerned. Cecil seems to be getting a bit stressed with work. Happens to everyone, of course. A vacation might do him some good.
You know, this radio station can get a bit lonely at night. I’m the only one here for the show, and the building is big and old. The floorboards creak, and the walls groan, and the insulation is poor so the wind howls in the stairwell. Gives it some personality, but I’m a sucker for old stuff like this.
And now, the weather.
Вы все сгорите, и я буду есть прах и танцевать над мертвым миром.
Gah! Sorry, sorry, hit the wrong dial by mistake.
(Other Side, Pendulum)
[Radio silence for two minutes ten seconds, followed by the sound of the studio door being thrown open with significant force and heavy, panicked breathing]
Ladies and gentlemen…ladies and gentlemen there is…
Ladies and gentlemen…during the break, I went down to the restroom. There is a shrine, in the mens’ restroom. Right there on the toilet. There’s a photo of Carlos No-Name-Given, and candles, and human skulls, and jackalopes hung from the ceiling by their own intestines, and the walls are covered in the words “perfect hair”, just scribbled down on top of each other.
And…There’s a blow-up doll with a wig glued to it and “Carlos” written across the chest in permanent marker, and someone has been doing horrible, horrible things to it.
Ladies and gentlemen, I am afraid that Cecil has gone dangerously mad. Please stay in your homes until the state police get here. Keep your doors locked and the lights off. Do not answer the door, even for your neighbors and the sheriff’s secret police. Wait until the state police arrive give the all-clear.
[Door opens, indistinct male voice speaks.]
L-ladies and gentlemen, Carlos No-Name-Given is in the studio with me. His hair is perfect. I don’t mean that in some sort of fawning homoerotic sense, I mean his hair is literally perfect…and…and he’s wearing Cecil’s face as a jock strap…oh god Cecil’s face is still moving.
[Indistinct male voice]
No, I wasn’t criticizing your fashion sense. It’s very…Phlegthon-chic.
[Indistinct male voice]
Oh…really? That so?…Well okay, I guess. Just… just hold on, let me get my stuff…
[Five gunshots are heard. After a short pause, two more are heard. After a second pause, three more are heard, followed by the sound of the gun reloading]
[The chirping of baby birds can be heard echoing in the room.]
[Three more gunshots.]
Ladies and gentlemen, I lied. The state police are not coming. [Gunshot] The state police are not going to help. [Gunshot] If you leave your home, you will be shot. If you pass the quarantine perimeter, you will be shot. [Gunshot] Please lie face down with your hands on top of your head [Gunshot], and wait. [Gunshot.] You’ll know when it happens.
Good night, Night Vale, and good fucking riddance."
[Twenty-second pause, followed by the sound of Carlos rising from the floor.]
Don’t listen to Lee. He forgot his medications this morning. There is no reason to panic. Cecil will be back tomorrow, don’t worry.
Proverb for the night: a stitch in the heart leads through the night, and further still.
[Radio silence until execution of Penzance Protocol at 01:24. NEXUS-08 declared sealed with full purging of populace. Foundation casualties at 78%.]