Blame It on the Bloom Boys
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The sky was clear, birdsong filled the air, and the sweet scent of meadow blossoms wafted through the lanes of the village of Snuggle Acres. Farmer Goodland stepped out of his cottage and beamed almost as brightly as Mister Sun, who he gave a jaunty wave to as he headed out to the field, whistling as he went.

“Mornin’, Mister Scarecrow! How—” Farmer Goodland stopped short as a puzzled expression appeared on his usually smiling face. Mister Scarecrow’s hat was gone! Maybe the wind had blown it off? But there hadn’t been more than a slight breeze for days. Were those rascal Bloom Boys playing pranks again?

“Boys, are you hiding out there?! Fess up now!” There was no answer but the birdsong. Farmer Goodland sighed and looked around. Mister Scarecrow could hardly be expected to do his job without his hat! Just then he saw a flash of red in the row of corn behind the Mister Scarecrow’s Pole. It was the ribbon around a hat brim!

“We’ll get you fixed up here in a jiffy!” Farmer Goodland strode merrily over to the hat and picked it up. His cheerful face returned to the puzzled from of a few moments before. The front of the hat brim was all shredded and burned.

“What in tarnation?” He’d never seen anything like this before. Had those rascal Bloom Boys been playing with matches, or even…fireworks?

Farmer Goodland nodded with concern. Yes, that had to be it. The Summer Fun Fest was almost here, with good times to be had for all. But there were dangers too. This would be a good opportunity to tell the children of Snuggle Acres about Fire Safety. A Lesson that every boy and girl should learn.

“I’ll go get Fireman Frank. We’ll make this year’s Summer Fun Fest Fun and Safe for everyone. Meantime, Mister Scarecrow, looks like I’ll have to get you a new hat. Shoot-a-mile!”

“Sure thing, dude.”

But Farmer Goodland didn’t hear that, or the shot that blew his own hat, as well as his head and most of his upper torso, all over Mister Scarecrow and half the field.


The old piece of junk he’d paid two bucks for at the thrift store had been well worth it. This was going to be awesome.

Text of an email recovered from the laptop of ████ █████ by the ████████ Metropolitan Police Deparment:

To: BloomzKillaZ

From: Snuggle_Stories_Admin

Bloomz, you’ve been warned by the Mods multiple times now, and you just got back from a 30-day suspension. I’m sorry, but we’re going to ban your account. Snuggle Stories is an all ages site. There’s plenty of places you can post more ‘adult’ content out there. That needs more air-quotes, actually.


The sad thing is that you can write. And a courtroom drama? Like: ‘Who Stole Mister Scarecrow’s Hat?’ Especially if wasn’t the Bloom Boys, but they were suspected and proved their innocence? That could have been great! And it would have fit the show. And taught a lesson about not blaming people without all the facts. You can tiptoe the line into more serious subjects, and you can, if you’re careful, do an all ages DarkFic.

Frankly though, ‘Hat’s Off to You, Judge Jolly’ isn’t even good DarkFic period. It’s freaking torture porn. The mystery gunman taking out the Snuggle Sewing Circle was bad enough, but the part where Fireman Frank forms a lynch mob to go after the Bloom Boys? And the Jailhouse? Jesus, how did you even come up with this crap?


On November 22, ████, the remains of ████ █████ was discovered in his apartment after neighbors reported hearing a struggle and what appeared to be gunshots. An autopsy determined that a number of explosive charges had been inserted into his body, both in orifices, and in incisions. The apartment was locked, with no sign of a break-in, and no witnesses reported seeing anyone leaving the apartment building.

A burned scrap of paper was found next to the body. Printed on the paper was the following:

“—nd that,” said Jimmy Bloom, “is why Fire Safety is so important, and why Fireworks should be left to the Adults.”

“Yep-yep!” piped up Joey Bloom. “Isn’t that right, Fireman Frank?”

“Sure is, Boys.” And Fireman Frank clapped each Bloom Boy on the shoulder in a friendly manner. “It sure is.”

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