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U.N, Civil Rights Groups Slam US Military Over Controversial Weapons Programs

(AP, Washington D.C.) — Public outrage has intensified as new evidence was leaked in the case of the US military's controversial Guided Teleporting Explosives (GTE) weapons program and the implication that living human test subjects are used in their construction.

"We've always known that teleportation magic requires a living human presence," read a press release by the ACLU, "despite all of the assurances from the military that their experimental weapons programs are 100% ethical. Now that this is out in the open, we can finally do the right thing in shutting down the business of building 'orphan bombs'".

In a statement released later that day, a spokesman for the US Army stated, "Desperate times require desperate measures. This is our most promising weapons project to date, and it has resulted in a marked reduction in pyromancy terror attacks against American cities by jihadists. Have we already forgotten the six eastern states that have been rendered an uninhabitable wasteland as a result of al-Qaeda's open, uncontrolled hell-gates?"

See WEAPONS, page 3

if we can't even protect the ones we love most?

See NIGHTMARES, page 2

Charges Filed Against Suspect in Atlanta Earthquake

(Atlanta, GA) — In court documents filed by Atlanta prosecutors, 17-year old geomancy prodigy Jason Mansley is to be tried as an adult for the series of events that led to the 7.2 magnitude earthquake in the city outskirts that resulted in 7 deaths and dozens more injured.

"My client cannot and should not be held responsible for the poor engineering that led to the collapse of the Jade Row apartment building," said the defense attorney representing Mansley. "He is a bright, young student who has his entire life in front of him, and the prosecution wants to destroy that future because of a momentary lapse in judgment."

In a statement released by the National Thaumaturgy Association, …

See EARTHQUAKE, page 8

Six More Bodies Found In Bizarre Train Accident


ITEM RECORD

Site-19 Long-Term Non-Anomalous Item Storage

Locker #: 3438-121

Ref: Item 1 of 1

Archived By: Dr. ██████ █████████

Description: Newspaper clipping, roughly torn, approximately 11 by 16 cm.

Document was discovered in an old, yellowed envelope in the [REDACTED] Hotel near [REDACTED], AL following its destruction by fire. Despite the total destruction of the building, the document was completely intact and undamaged by the fire.

Tests have determined that the document is approximately 2 years old and is consistent with newsprint produced by a commercial newspaper printing machine, but attempts to track its point of origin have been inconclusive. No anomalous properties were detected by standard testing suites.

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