Item #: SCP-9342-X
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-9342-X is to be kept in a standard-issue filing cabinet in Containment Cell #1994-X. At this time, viewing of SCP-9342-X is forbidden to all but the most
"Hold up, what is that? One of yours?"
"Thought it was yours."
"One of the researchers must have left it here. Hmm. Looks like papyrus. Is that writing on it?"
"Huh, yeah. That's weird. What the hell i-"
"Frank? Frank? SOMEONE CALL A MEDIC! FRANK! Stay with me, buddy. Help's coming. NO, DON'T TOUCH THE DAMNED THING, SOMETHING IS…
a surpr ising ██% of all subjects attempting to read or observe SCP-9342-X have developed full-on mental disorders within minutes of exposure. Most commonly, these disorders are Axis I disorders, such as generalized anxiety disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, manic–depressive disorder, and [REDACTED]. As studies progress, cases of paranoid schizophrenia have risen █%, which naturally is highlly improbable given the sample size of…
"Oh yeah, forgot to ask you, did you hear about Dr. ███████?"
"Had a great idea recently. Can't look at SCP-9342-X without going insane, right? Well, he had the bright idea to take a video of it, then watch the video. That way, you aren't reading the actual stuff, just a recording of the stuff."
"That's quite a leap, even for him. How did he get approval?"
"He didn't. Just decided to do it. As you can guess, it didn't work well for him."
"I should feel bad. But I don't. You'd think that people would have tried that already…
ported able to read SCP-9342-X without any harmful effects. After further experimentation, all subjects in this alleged 'immune' group have increasingly lost their sense of vision, culminating in blindness within a period…
"Jesus Phrexian Christ, you have to believe me. I can do it."
"Request denied. You're too valuable to this Foundation, despite your… eccentricities."
"Aww, I bet you say that to all the guys. Look, I'm telling you, what's happening here is that you're sending untrained minds. They don't know what they are up against. I do. I'm not just saying this shit, this shit is right there in my proposal.
"And when we decide to reopen the issue, we'll of course provide all subjects with your information-"
"THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH! To do this, you can't just fucking give someone a piece of paper and say 'make a note of this'. You need someone who knows this shit back and forth. Someone who can live and breathe it, treat it for what it is, and not what you guys want to think it is. I'm the only one who can do it, and there ain't much of a loss if I get touched by Shiggy so deeply that it'd be considered a reach-around."
"Are you really going to press the issue this strongly?"
"Yup. I'm the only one who could tell you who Shiggy even even is…"
Addendum-1: At this time, Agent "Mister" Bibs has been allowed temporary 'ownership' of SCP-9342-X for research purposes. The details of his report(s) are currently sealed by order of O5-█ unttil further…
"I hear it's because he's already insane. You know, you can't make someone more insane."
"That's probably true. I mean, remember when he-"'
"Okay, seriously folks, knock it the fuck off. First its that goddamned Green Lantern story someone found, now it's why I can read SCP-9342-X. I'm sick and goddamned tired of hearing about it."
"But… Bibs, we don't talk about it around you."
"I know, but I've got all the Sites bugged, and I know you're talking about it. So knock it off."
"Oh, c'mon Bibs. Everyone wants to know. What's the secret of SCP-9342-X?"
"Well, if it gets you folks to shut the fuck up, fine: it turns out I'm cosmically important. Or the subject of a prophecy. I don't know the specifics, but I figure a few more read-throughs of 9342'll clear it up. Oh, and don't call it SCP-9342-X when we're off the clock. It's an Elder Scroll, dammit, and if you ignorant fucktards don't start respecting that, I'll have to…