Excuse me, please. If you would all just turn your attention… Okay, settle down now, I need to… If I could just have your-quiet! I said quiet! I said-will you all just please-I said-SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Ahem. Now that I have your attention, we may begin. I am Junior Assistant Researcher Doc-I SAID SHUT THE HELL UP! Okay, like I was saying, I will be leading your orientation today. Now, you may all be wondering where you are. That's classified. You may be wondering who we are. That is also classified. However, I can tell you that we are a form of a research facility.
As you may remember, one of our agents approached each and every one of you and gave you an offer. You could either wait out your term on death row, or you could volunteer to participate in our testing facilities for the span of one month. Obviously, you agreed to cooperate. This entails-what? What do you mean you didn't agree? We told you that if you participate, you're free to go at the end of the month, who wouldn't take a deal like-guard, excuse me, guard, please take him-yeah, that one-to the, yeah, the third door on the left-thank you. Like I said, if you can make it through the testing procedures, we-no, I don't hear any screaming. If you can make it through the testing procedures, we let you go at the end of the month. You know, provided you cooperate fully. Sounds like a good deal, right? Was there anyone else who didn't agree? Okay then, moving on.
Like I said, provided you can survive the entire month, you get to go free. No, of course it's not a death sentence. I-no, see, when I said "survive" I meant it like, "cooperate with us" you know? I mean, yeah, it's dangerous stuff, that's why we're using death row inmates. No, no, most of the stuff here is pretty harmless, I meant dangerous like, you know, the way a bomb is dangerous if you fuck around with it. I mean, you will be fucking around with it, but you should be pretty safe if you just do what we tell you. Worst thing that'll happen is your toes will tingle a few minutes afterwards. Last batch of D-Class? Not a single one died, all got to go free at the end of the month. I was there, too. Watched'em scamper back into the wilderness myself. Like a bunch of adorable, homicidal kittens. Just do what we tell you and you'll get to go home to see your loving wife and kids. Well, not you. Says here you killed your wife and kids. Must have been awkward to explain to the in-laws, eh? Heh, no, I really don't want you to tell us how you did it, I can guess.
Right. At the end of this orientation you will be directed down the hall where you will get your numerical designation tattooed on your wrist and chest. This will be mostly painless, and once you-Hmm? Why your chest? Well, in the event of an explosion, it's most likely that it'll be the largest intact chunk of meat left.
Hahahaha! I'm joking! Of course I'm joking! Yes I'm sure! That is very, very unlikely to happen. We haven't had an explosion for the past two months! Ha, look at him! He thought I was serious! Heh heh, but, ah, no. You will actually be getting your designation tattooed on your chest. I was not joking about that. Well, if you want, you can get it removed at the end of the month. No, no charge at all. It's a pretty painless procedure, actually.
Okay, once you get your new tattoo, you will be escorted to D-Block Alpha-6. This will be your new dormitory; you will eat, sleep, and bathe there. No, you were spoiled in prison, you will not be getting your own cell. I don't even have my own office, and you want your own cell? Anyways, you will be under constant video surveillance to ensure no shenanigans. We don't want any of that funny jail-time business here; you shank someone, you will be escorted behind the chemical… back to death row. Pretty much, if you piss us off, you get sent back to death row. Yeah. Seriously. A month of testing, and you go free. Don't screw it up.
Okay, that pretty much wraps it up. Any questions? You, with the-good LORD, man, did you take a round of buckshot to the face? Yeah, your question. Sure, we have a fantastic team of doctors here, best in the world. Don't worry about your medical insurance here, it won't matter anyways. Next?
Uh… you, second to the back. No, it's too late to choose death row over here, I don't know why you would want to in the first place. Well, you've got a giant swastika carved into your face, so I don't think you're the best at making life decisions.
One more… ahh… yes, you, the one missing the ear. That's not really a question. No, phrasing it to ask how many she can fit doesn't count as a question. You-my mother was a saint, if you say one more word-guard, please, if you could-there we go… No no, it's fine, I'll send the janitor down later. See? Just stay in line and cooperate. One month, and you're gone. Never have to see this place again. Really, that simple. Alright, the next batch of D's are coming down now, guards, if you could escort them out please. That's right, Alpha-6. Okay, thank you very much. Really, I don't care what he said, she was a saint. Yeah, let me know when this batch gets released this month, I want to watch.
Ahem. Welcome! I am Junior Assistant-really now, please, quiet down…