Don't Interrogate a Man with Dementia
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Interviewed: Witness 31245-O2

Interviewer: Junior Professor Medina, head of ARC Interrogation Division (InterroDiv)

Foreword: Witness 31245-O2 was a 75 year-old civilian on the sidelines of a standoff between ARC Squad Romeo-Echo and a Prometheus-class entity1 in ███████, Alaska. ██ squadmembers were killed in the standoff. Witness 31245-O2 has a police record of alcoholism and disorderly conduct, and talks in a slightly slurred speech the entire interrogation.

<Begin Log>

Junior Professor Medina: So, Mr. ██████, can you please tell me what happened last Tuesday? Speak clearly into the microphone for me.

Witness 31245-O2: So, me and my wife were just coming back from daily mass, down at old ████ █████. Man that thing is getting on in years. Y'know we once had a rat problem so bad, they got into the communion wafers? Man, they must be holier th'n the water in the baptismal font by now. We couldn't have communion for two weeks straight!
Medina:[pauses slightly] Sir, please stay on track here.

Witness 31245-O2: Yeah yeah, I'm getting there. So anyway, the rat problem. They were big. Ginormous rats. I once spotted one walking down the aisle, acting like a goddamn lady at her wedding. Mus've been two, three feet long, just waltzing like it owned the place. [chuckles] Man, all those old birds from the country club acted like the rat was the Devil Himself. I think one of them tripped over her IV bag and sprained a hip. I think she couldn't walk straight for two whole months, but never mind that. Me and my wife were driving home after daily mass. Man, I really hate daily mass, but my beautiful ray of sunshine, the Christian lady she is, drags me by the ear to listen the same old service and the same old homily day in, day out. And even after the mass ends, we end up getting cornered by the ladies from the country club, jabbering on about this and that, that and this, who died last week. Mentioning that, do you know that my uncle died in his sleep?

Medina: Umm, no sir, I didn't, but can you please stay on track of the conversation?

Medina:Ok… What happened to your uncle?

Witness: Oh, that crazy old loon? Yeah he died the way he wanted. Drifting peacefully off in his sleep. At least he went off quieter than the passengers on his plane [Witness starts to laugh uproariously, but then gets into a fit of coughs.]

Medina: Sir, do you want me to get you some water?

Witness: No, no, it's fine young man. Y'know my great-grandfather was Dena'ina? Yeah, yeah, they lived around these parts for a thousand years. I hear that all they did to cure a cough was just drink some spruce needles boiled in water. I've never tried it m'self y'know, but the more y'know I guess. Oh, damn, I just remembered. According to an old friend of mine, who's Navajo himself y'know, and they never tell lies, I know because I served with a couple o'them in Vietnam, and they were just the funniest of Natives I'll tell you what. But my friend, the Navajo one I just told you about, yeah he told me about the Athabaskans o' The North. Yeah, they were riding moose into battle and farming, but they were wiped out by other tribes before the Russians got here. [Witness taps his temple] I remember this because I was never brainwashed by the gov'ment like the rest of the people of the world, no siree. I remember the moose riders, they were in my history book. Also of course my friend told me, the old Navajo one, man I wonder where he is nowadays, he was great. Yeah he called me tiger for some reason. Well, he called everyone tiger, made me feel like that mascot guy from that cereal commercial, that was really fun. But I digress, back to the Indians. Did you know that the Indians were Christian, before the Russian missionaries came here? Yeah, it's because of the aliens, the twelve tribes of Israel. Y'see, Jesus was an alien, and he didn't just spread his teachings to the Europeans. No, everyone is God's child, y'know? So each individual nation had their own Jesus. You had Buddha, you had Jesus, but those are the only ones we know about today because the gov'ment wiped everyone's mind. Except me, because I hid when the military came. Y'know my wife thinks I'm senile? Just because I don't take my medications once and a while, all of a sudden I'm mister kookoo, and need to be in a mental hospital. But I'm getting off track again. The rat problem was pretty bad, like I told you, with the communion wafers and everything. But the last straw was when they got into the wine [Witness starts cackling] You should've seen the priests face when he pulled out the cup and found a rat with his stomach full of the wine. [Witness starts to slap his thigh while rocking back and forth] Oh holy Jesus, that was the funniest shit I saw since the lady from the country club tripped over her own IV pole.

Medina: Sir, please, tell us about the standoff outside of your church last Tuesday, please.

Witness: Oh that? [Witness waves dismissively] Just some teenagers high on whatever's cool nowadays thinking that they could beat up a veteran.

Medina: Sir, three cars were turned into glass, and a granite statue of Jesus was turned into a marble statue of Pope Francis breakdancing!

Witness: Son, I've seen stranger things than that on an LSD trip I took down in Java when I was discharged from the military. I sure as hell seen weirder things than a priest dancing. Have I told you about that one time I went down

[TWO HOURS OF EXTRANEOUS INTERVIEW EXPUNGED]

Witness: …So remember what I told you about the History Channel, next time you want to hear about what really happened down there.

Medina: Well, thank you for your time, I guess, Mr. ██████, I hope you have a nice day.

Witness: You too young man, it was a pleasure talking to you about sheep.

<END LOG>

Notes: what -Professor Medina

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