Document 050
"The Great Researcher Prank War of '██"
Current Holder of SCP-050:
Bright
English
Lotharie B. Dumount
Agatha Rights
Lotharie B. Dumount
Dr. Kondraki
Dr. English
Dr. Bright
Lotharie B. Dumount
Yoric Elroy
Lotharie B. Dumount
George Norman
Dr. English
Prof. K.P. Crow
Professor Skali Sharpnose
Dr. Gerald
Agent Bavil
Iceberg
Dr. Hyrule
Agent Palhinuk
Dr. Coleman
Dr. Light
Dr. Coleman
Agent Palhinuk
Agent Apocalemur
Dr. Kald
Mr. Noaqiyeum
Leicontis
Dr. Kald
Dr. Zara
Agent Carriontrooper
Agent Apocalemur
Dr. Coleman
Dr. Kald
Dr. Coleman
Dr. Light
Research Assistant Schumacher
Dr. Okagawa
Mr. Noaqiyeum
Dr. Kald
Mr. Noaqiyeum
Dr. Bright
Systems Technician Kent
LOrd Kikasss!!1!! i rule yay1!!1!
Dr. Light
Delivery Agent Roadrunner
Dr. Edison
Delivery Agent Roadrunner
Dr. ████
Dr. Edison
Delivery Agent Roadrunner
Dr. Edison
Delivery Agent Roadrunner
Dr. Edison
Dr. King
Dr. Leicontis
Dr. Edison
Dr. Caldwell
Dr. Lowman
Dr. Cenh
Researcher Gargus
Dr. Cenh
Research Assistant Corbette
Research Assistant Juvenal
Researcher Gargus
Research Assistant Corbette
Researcher Gargus
Researcher Min
Dr. Hyrule
Researcher Gargus
Dr. Cenh
Researcher Gargus
Samuel Tanguay
Dr. Cenh
Dr. Whiteface
Researcher Rosen
Agent Generic
On 01/██/20██, Dr. Jack Bright was 'given the bird' on his way to the movies by a passing motorist. As is fairly normal for Dr. Bright, he tracked down the owner of the vehicle through the car's license plate, then proceeded to drive the gentleman to suicide via the use of SCP-720.
While sanitizing the scene, Dr. Bright noticed an unusual monkey statue, but thought nothing of it. He continued on as normal, until, upon arrival at his office, he found the same statue waiting for him. His office had been tidied in his absence, and everything filed away, which came as something of a shock for the naturally messy Dr. Bright.
Upon further investigation, it was found that — despite the apparent tidiness of his office — all of his pens had been drained of all but the last bit of ink, and several important documents had been translated into Aramaic.
Dr. Bright immediately began the usual testing of this new SCP, but found himself going nowhere, until Dr. Rights, as payback for something unspecified, smeared his desk with one half of a compound epoxy, and applied the other half of the compound to his utensils. At this point, SCP-050 vanished from Dr. Bright's office, reappearing in Dr. Rights' office, whereupon 050 began the cleanup again.
After several tests, it became apparent that SCP-050 was easily contained, as long as no one outside the Foundation proved to be cleverer than the Foundation scientists. Of course, this led to many of the Foundation scientists seeking to claim the title of 'Most Clever' for themselves.
And thus began the "Great Researcher Prank War of '██."
Memorandum 050-A: No good will come of this. — O5-█
Memorandum 050-B: Lethal pranks are not allowed to be performed upon anyone but Dr. Bright and D-class personnel. — O5-█
Memorandum 050-C: If any attempt is made by Dr. Kondraki to enter this competition by any means, Site-17 is to be locked down and the doctor himself neutralized by any means available.
Note: We're still cleaning up the mess at Site-19, and I don't think I need to inform anyone of the potential risk Dr. Kondraki would represent if he were to vie for this "Most Clever" title. The mere idea of a competitively malicious Kondraki is scary enough. — O5-█
Entry 1: On █/█/2009, Dr. English re-opened SCP-048 and listed Dr. Bright as the subject of study. The change slipped through the cracks and a few days later, Dr. Bright somehow managed to sleepwalk into SCP-040's containment room and upon seeing the desires in his dreams, SCP-040 changed him into a 52-kg statue of a turnip. The next morning, SCP-050 appeared on Dr. English's desk and the room had been cleaned as usual.
Note: Dr. English either neglected or simply forgot to revert SCP-048's files back to being closed. The mistake was not discovered and corrected until several days, and several incarnations of Dr. Bright, later. - O5-█
Entry 2: On ██/█/2009, Dr. English was admitted to the medical wards with severe abdominal pains. Subsequent testing showed that Dr. English was incubating the larvae of SCP-562. Subsequent review of medical logs also showed that Dr. Dumount had somehow convinced Dr. English to strip naked and coat himself with green jello as part of the medical testing. Instead of curing the infestation of SCP-562 larvae, Dr. Dumount provided Dr. English with a large sugar pill, and a smaller sugar pill. Dr. English was told to take the large pill anally. Dr. English complied. Shortly thereafter SCP-050 appeared in Dr. Dumont's office. It was later found that a sample of SCP-562's saliva had somehow gotten mixed into several drinks which were placed in Dr. English's cooler.
Note: At present there is no cure for infection of SCP-562's larvae. Anything toxic enough to kill the larvae is toxic enough to kill the host. Fortunately after eruption no trace of SCP-562 remains in the system ~ Dr. Dumount
Entry 3: On ██/█/2009, Dr. Rights obtained SCP-050 from Dumount Dr. English. After several days of reviewing security tapes, the events of ██/█ are believed to have occurred as such, although Rights has refused to verify. Using SCP-715, Rights acquired several clones of herself before finding one that was willing to participate in the prank. Said clone was taken to SCP-542, who (under Rights' instructions) proceeded to surgically maim her. The fatally-injured Clone was then rushed to Dr. Dumount's English's medical ward by an emergency medical team (who was also in on the joke). At some point, during the above events, Dr. Rights convinced SCP-347 to take part in the joke through unknown means. SCP-347 entered Dumount's English's surgical suite and proceeded to misplace vital instruments and cause machinery to malfunction while Dr. Dumount English attempted to save the Clone's life, under the impression that the real Dr. Rights was dying. When the Clone flatlined, Dr. Dumount English was observed to be under considerable stress, followed by confusion when the clone fully expired, and dissolved into dust. Dumount Dr. English was understandably distressed when the real Rights burst into the medical suite and screamed "SURPRISE!" before being overcome with hysterical laughter. SCP-050 was found in her office later that night.
Note: "I'm pretty sure that killing yourself doesn't count as a fatal prank." ~ Dr. Rights.
Note: Dr. Rights and the SCPs and medical team she used in the course of her prank were subjected to mandatory examinations. It is believed that she controlled the events through various amounts of alcohol, samples of SCP-562 mucus she had stolen from Dr. Dumount's office, and small amounts of other drugs and offering various gifts. Dr. Rights is no longer allowed to request sleep aids — specifically rohypnol — from the medical ward. - O5-█
Entry 4: In an attempt to regain the coveted trophy, Dr. English wrote the events of Entry 2 on a sheet of paper and used SCP-████ to erase the events from existence. Unfortunately for Dr. English, while the events never happened, this meant that Dr. Agatha Rights' prank was played out on Dr. English, rather than Dr. Dumount. Though he did erase some rather embarrassing events from the past, Dr. English did not regain SCP-050.
Note: SCP-████ is now off-limits to all personnel without prior approval from a supervising O5. If you choose to enter this little cavalcade of idiocy, you can deal with the consequences. - O5-█
Entry 5: On ██/█/2009, SCP-562-1, Agatha Rights' pet member of SCP-562, acquired vocabulary which is generally considered socially inappropriate, including "███", "████", "████", "Boobies", and "Penis". It began to recite these words when in a heightened emotional state. Furthermore it began to request kisses of people with whom it interacted repeatedly. Dr. Rights reportedly cursed and came to Dr. Dumount to request 'some sort of lip condom' because of 'irresistible puppy eyes'. Later Dr. Rights came to Dr. Dumount with some sort of stomach cramps. Dr. Dumount diagnosed SCP-562 larval infestation, and prescribed that Dr. Rights go to a class for safety in sexual intercourse. Dr. Rights was reported to be worried and stressed about the idea of 'puking out babies'. It was later discovered that the inside of the 'lip condom' given to Dr. Rights had been coated with Ipecac, and that Dr. Rights was not, in fact, infested with SCP-562. SCP-050 was later discovered in Dr. Dumount's office.
Entry 6: Despite attempts to limit any access to SCPs during the duration of the contest, Dr. Kondraki had apparently already planned for such an occasion. He was seen entering Dr. Dumount's personal dormitory, and replacing an item from his shower with an exact duplicate, before departing. Access to the security camera in the dormitory was lost at approximately 2:██ PM. At this time, Dr. Dumount entered his quarters dripping with some sort of foul substance, and immediately made his way to the shower. After his shower, Dr. Dumount returns to his main room and is assumed to get dressed. Reports from adjoining dormitories confirm screams of terror and pain, as Dr. Dumount's clothing had apparently caught fire once in prolonged contact with his skin. At this time, SCP-515 began to broadcast the footage from the camera to Dr. Kondraki's personal computer. SCP-408 revealed itself in a nearby crowded cafeteria, and displayed the live feed of a now-mostly-naked Dr. Dumount flailing about. Not to be satisfied, an explosion was heard by several researchers during their lunch, later to be confirmed as the long missing SCP-252-ARC. It was at this point that Dr. Kondraki returned to the dormitory, with SCP-285 in hand, and held the opposite end to the doctor's ear, with the mouthpiece directed in the general vicinity of the cafeteria. Dr. Dumount appears highly disquieted by the psychic noise, and despite his burns proceeds to curl up in bed and shudder. He was heard repeating 'loudnoise'. SCP-050 was discovered in Dr. Kondraki's administrative offices shortly afterward.
Note: Dr. Dumount's burns have been healing nicely, but I doubt the psychological scarring will fade any time soon. - Dr. ██████
Entry 7: It is April 1st, 2009. Dr. English made a seemingly innocuous comment to Dr. Kondraki about April Fool's Day being the perfect day for a prank. As a result, Kondraki spent the day looking over his shoulder waiting to catch someone in a prank. Annoyed that nobody had the courage to prank him on April Fool's Day, Kondraki became distracted by his own agitation and walked into a pit containing SCP-761. Upon hitting the surface of the SCP, he fell through and ended up in an empty containment cell on the floor below. Dr. Kondraki spent 8 hours in the cell before a fellow researcher passed by and saw him banging on the observation window. SCP-050 appeared on Dr. English's desk the next morning.
Entry 8: Dr. Bright accesses SCP-705. 705 is allowed access to approximately one hundred pounds of similarly colored play dough. After several minutes 'conversation', the new army retreats to the ventilation shafts. No footage of Dr. English's room exists, but several hours later Dr. English stumbles out, covered in little red welts, and red play dough, swearing and muttering. SCP-050 transfers ownership to Dr. Bright.
Entry 9: 08:00 hours. Dr. Dumount reported to be whistling while baking a pie. 11:15 hours. Dr. Dumount begins to walk past containment for SCP-070 heading in the direction of Rights' office. 11:16 hours. 070 breaches containment. Note: Dr. Dumount had been responsible for keeping 070 fed. Why there was no food in 070's containment is presently unknown as Dr. Dumount claims to have placed food within the containment. 11:17 070 enters pursuit of Dr. Dumount. 11:20 Dr. Dumount hands pie to Dr. Bright with orders to get it to Rights while he deals with 070. Dr. Bright reports experiencing an abnormal and strong compulsion to successfully deliver the pie, origin at present unknown. 12:00 Other SCPs begin to breach containment. All begin to pursue Dr. Bright. Even sentient SCP who are normally non-aggressive began to pursue Dr. Bright. 12:20. 070 subdued with soup. 12:30 Dr. Bright continues to flee SCPs during extreme containment procedures, and is heard chanting 'get pie to Rights, get pie to Rights'. 12:40 Dr. Bright arrives at Right's office to find it empty. 13:00 Dr. Bright begins to search for Rights while still being pursued by SCPs demanding pie. 14:00 Dr. Bright, worn out, finds Rights and delivers the pie. Rights seems surprised that Dumount was not delivering the pie. Rights apologizes for the inconvenience, and tells pursuing SCPs to return to containment. SCPs do so. Rights eats pie. Statue appears in Dumount's office.
Entry 10: Upon returning to his office on ██/█/2009, Dr. Dumount was surprised to find the statue replaced with a note, reading: "Wow, seriously? I can't believe no one's thought of this! Also, check." The statue was later located in the staff locker of Agent Yoric, who had simply stolen it, the cheeky bastard.
Entry 11: Statue returned to Dumount. Yoric's living space in utter disarray. Note tattooed onto Yoric's forehead in Aramaic and in unknown handwriting reads, "I must be earned, not taken. Nice try, just not clever enough."
Entry 12: Dr. Dumount was reported to be 4 hours late for his shift check in, with no reports of anyone having seen him. Fearing an escape attempt, a large scale search began. Two hours after that Dr. Dumount was reported hanging upside from a rope tied around his left foot in an infrequently used storeroom. Dr. Dumount was wearing assless leather chaps and carrying a card requesting a clandestine meeting in the storeroom. While Rights' signature on the card was forged remarkably well, the card was still a fake. Dr. Rights identified the chaps as a gift she had gotten Dumount earlier which he had reportedly sworn to never wear. Dumount claims that he was forced into them after he had been caught.
SCP-050 appears in the office of Field Researcher Norman.
Entry 13: At 06:35 on █/█/2009, Field Researcher Norman was found hanging from the ceiling of SCP-028's containment chamber by a chain, swinging through it repeatedly. It isn't clear how long he had been there, how he got there, or how severely his exposure damaged his mind, but when the medical staff at Site-██ were able to awaken him, he repeated the words "I know" every few seconds until one of the doctors asked what he knew, to which he replied "everything" before passing out. At 19:36, Norman woke up screaming and has not stopped since. Medical staff are unsure when or if Norman will be able to return to work, and classifying him as SCP-028-2 for study is currently in discussion by O5 staff. It has been noted by cleaning staff that they've not had to service Dr. English's office since █/█/2009.
Entry 14: At 07.50 on █/█/2009, routine cleaning staff discovered a large amount of human semen on the floor of SCP-040's containment unit. Recorded security footage shows Dr. English was the last to enter the containment unit at 04.28, three hours previous. After this point, it is discovered that Dr. English was spotted in several other locations on various sites during the previous week. Each sighting was in the general vicinity of the containment of SCPs that either resemble, require, or are humanoid children of below twelve years. Further investigation has discovered large amounts of human semen either in the containment units of these SCPs themselves, or in a viewing area regarding them. Biological analysis has proven that this semen does indeed belong to Dr. English, and he has been taken in for a full psychological profile and therapy.
In unrelated news, Professor K.P. Crow requested the use of several minor SCPs regarding his experiments, (most notably SCP-294 and SCP-715), during his bi-annual tour of the facilities for biological analysis of all humanoid SCPs during the week. SCP-050 has appeared in his office in his absence.
Entry 15: At 01:34 on █/██/2009, Professor Skali Sharpnose was seen entering into the air-processing area of Bio-Research Area-12. He seems to have distracted the guard by starting a conversation and subsequently performing some form of hypnosis (or simply being long-winded and boring) and lulling him into a sleep-like state. He then entered into the air-processing room and introduced a Class-3 airborne sedative into the sleeping quarters of Kain Pathos Crow. Security footage then shows Professor Skali entering into Crow's quarters wearing a gas-mask and carrying a large portable dog-kennel. He is seen leaving several minutes later and is able to exit the facility without arousing suspicions about the identity of the kennel's occupant. Apparently, most site personnel are simply unable to recognize Crow without his glasses. NOTE: Surveillance back-track of Professor Skali shows him several days earlier obtaining a cup of an unknown liquid from SCP-294, using the input "Amnesiacolada". It is believed that he administered this liquid to Crow while he was sedated. Upon leaving Bio-Research Area-12, Professor Skali drove to the nearby town of ███████, where he admitted Crow to the "Paws/Play No-Kill Animal Shelter" and scheduled Crow for a neutering surgery. SCP-050 awaited him on his desk when he returned to his office.
Entry 16: At 3:40 on ██/██/2009, Professor Sharpnose was conducting research with his assigned research assistant, Dr. Johnathan Vann. However, due to several errors made by Dr. Vann, Professor Sharpnose was forced to stay longer than scheduled, and missed dinner. When he entered the Site-██ cafeteria, Professor Sharpnose found it to be empty, with a tray of food set out for him. Immediately after eating, Professor Sharpnose visited a nearby restroom.
Reports state that several minutes later Professor Sharpnose was found running through the site ██ hallways, with his pants around his ankles and SCP-548 on his left buttock. It was later discovered that the restroom in question had 'out of order' signs on every stall except for one, and traces of "Poo-4-You" laxatives were found on the dinner plate used by Professor Sharpnose. He was treated for several cases of frostbite, and SCP-050 appeared on the desk of head research assistant Dr. Gerald.
Entry 17: At 4:50 AM on ██/██/████, Agent Bavil snuck into SCP-252-ARC's containment room and removed it from containment and proceeded to place it in Dr. Gerald's office while rigging it so that when Gerald entered his office and sat down he would set off the bomb.
Later that day, just that happened. Researchers nearby report hearing a "Bang" followed closely by the scream of a surprised Gerald and a thick cloud of pink smoke billowing from his office. Gerald runs out of his office and straight into three D-class personnel. Startled by the collision, Gerald and the D-class inhale the fumes, stare at each other, and immediately begin disrobing.
SCP-050 is later found in Agent Bavil's quarters.
Entry 18: At 11:30 pm on ██/██/████, Agent Dmitri is seen exiting his room in full rage, carrying a machine gun. Smoke pours from the open door of his quarters.
Senior Researcher Iceberg is later found to be in possession of 050, proving that a good enough prank will attract 050's attention no matter the target.
Entry 19: At 5:20 pm on ██/██/████, Dr. Dumount was seen requesting a disk from Researcher Iceberg. He returned it the same day. At 10:20 pm, Iceberg was seen with a video camera and SCP-113. He proceeded to stand in the middle of the cafeteria, set up the camera, and strip, and then began to poke SCP-113 repeatedly, once every 62.2 seconds. The video was later emailed from an unknown account to all personnel above Level 4. Interestingly, SCP-050 was in fact found in Dr. Hyrule's office.
Addendum: Dr. Hyrule had checked out a copy of SCP-061 earlier that week, and proceeded to obtain a cup of "amnesiacolada" from SCP-294. Unsurprisingly, Dr. Dumount remembers nothing of these events.
Entry 20: At 3:37 pm ██/██/████, Agent Palhinuk was seen by witnesses twirling a pen similar to SCP-287 in his hand, leaving the vicinity of Dr. Hyrule's office. Three minutes later, Dr. Hyrule was reported to have run, screaming from his office in tremendous amounts of displeasure. Further investigation shows footage of Agent Palhinuk writing down a document on a sheet of paper in an obscure version of upper-class Italian from the 1600's, then preceding to use SCP-294 to dispense a cup of brown liquid, after inputting "carbonatedbatguano" on the keypad. He then proceeded to deliver the cup and the paper, claiming it to be work-related, reportedly claiming the cup was some root beer left over from lunch. When translated, the note read "You are drinking bat shit. Enjoy it thoroughly!"
SCP-050 appeared in Agent Palhinuk's office twenty minutes later.
Entry 21: At 1:17pm ██/██/████, Agent Palhinuk was found by Dr. ██████ in the men's bathroom rolling on the floor alternately clutching his face and genitals. To the doctors who arrived on the scene, it appeared that Agent Palhinuk had been maced at close range in both the face and groin. After dousing Agent Palhinuk's eyes and groin with a counter-agent, he was asked why he was found in such a condition. Palhinuk replied that he had been steadily hiding more and more of Dr. Coleman's cooking utensils over a period of weeks and Dr. Coleman had confronted him about it and laughed it off and offered to make a truce with a handshake. Agent Palhinuk then accepted some food from Dr. Coleman and was suddenly struck with the need to visit the bathroom. Upon reaching the bathroom, Agent Palhinuk began to urinate normally before feeling a burning sensation in the head of his penis, "like someone had dipped it in acid," and began to tear up. Upon wiping the tears away, the burning sensation appeared in his eyes and he was left in a state of agony until he was found later. It was found after analysis of the compound on Agent Palhinuk's eyes and genitals that it was a very refined form of capsicum of well over 7,000,000 scovilles.
Dr. Coleman was found to have run a collection of chillies and spices through SCP-914 until a clear liquid was dispensed. He then covered his gloved hands with said liquid before confronting Agent Palhinuk over his pranks. Dr. Coleman was also seen lacing the food offered to Agent Palhinuk with a powerful laxative. When questioned why he performed such an action, Dr. Coleman's reply was simply, "You do not fuck with my food."
Later that day, SCP-050 was found missing from Agent Palhinuk's office and could not be located anywhere within the bounds of Site-19. Site-23 then contacted Site-19 stating that an item matching SCP-050 had appeared on Dr. Coleman's desk. Apparently SCP-050 will relocate itself to the place of work the owner considers to be "theirs" rather than an area they may occupy temporarily.
Entry 22: At 10:25 am ██/██/████, Dr. Coleman returned from a brief coffee break to discover a typed note sitting on his desk, rewritten here.
Dr. Coleman,
It seems there was a problem with the Class-A Amnesiac you requested following your SCP-231 assignment. Please hop on the next plane leaving from the site, and wait until someone comes and picks you up so that we can get this all sorted out.
Cheers,
O5-███
Despite factual and stylistic errors in this note (inappropriately informal style, the fact that there is no Overseer 3.14), Dr. Coleman apparently took the note seriously and became highly distressed. Dr. Coleman boarded the next airplane leaving Site-23, which turned out to be a regularly scheduled flight travelling to Site-19.
Dr. Coleman apparently did not realize this until landing, at which point he still waited over eight hours outside the site, before a guard found him and asked him what he was doing. Dr. Coleman soon confirmed that he had never been asigned to SCP-231, and quickly worked out what had happened.
In addition, upon reaching his office at Site-23, it was discovered that the floor of the room (which was over an empty research chamber) had been removed and entirely flooded with a high-strength non-Newtonian fluid. All of the furnishings of the room, including the floor tiles, had been replaced via an unknown method, so that it was not immediately obvious what had happened.
The conductor of the prank was revealed when SCP-050 appeared on the counter of Dr. Light's laboratory in Site-19. It is worth noting that while Dr. Light was temporarily on assignment at Site-23, SCP-050 targeted her primary laboratory, shedding more light on the object's nature.
Addendum:
Where on earth did you get that much cornstarch? - Dr. Coleman
I know a guy. And a cloning tree. - Dr. Light
Entry 23: At 9:02am ██/██/████, sounds of a pitched battle were found to be coming from the office of Dr. Light. When security teams investigated, Dr. Light was found tied down to the floor, apparently unconscious with a massive contingent of SCP-705 including many vehicles and armaments not previously found to have been created by it. After engaging the massed forces of SCP-705 and defeating them with the help of a high-pressure water cannon, the security detail found that some 7 tons of Play Doh had been animated by SCP-705 and told to ambush Dr. Light when she arrived at work that morning. The security team also found many military vehicle and armament recognition guides, both fictional and non-fictional, and a collection of items designed for their use but not constructed of Play Doh.
These included the following:
- 1 Gas powered syringe cannon.
- 11 Syringes containing a potent sedative.
- 400 Wire lengths with pegged ends.
- 1 Gas powered piston used to secure the wire lengths to the floor.
Due to the use of the high-pressure hose most of Dr. Light's office was irretrievably damaged and she was relocated to a temporary office until repairs can be made. The release of video of the entire event, from her sedation to the hosing down of her office, being released to all members of Site-17 also coincided with the delivery of a note to her new office with the words "You realize this means war?" written on it in handwriting not recognized by staff at Site-17.
Addendum:
SCP-050 was later found on the temporary desk of Dr. Coleman at Site-17. Upon being asked how he obtained the 7 tons of Play Doh his response was "I know a guy, and they have a cloning tree as well, as it turns out."
Entry 24: At 5:38pm ██/██/2009, a person matching Agent Palhinuk's description was seen fleeing from a live-fire training facility, away from yells of pain that most witnesses claim sounded like Dr. Coleman from the training grounds. Footage from the facility shows Agent Palhinuk wearing what appear to be hand wraps while he discusses something with Dr. Coleman. Palhinuk then produced a small water bottle from his pocket, showed Coleman the blue liquid contained within, and drank some. He then instructed a nearby Level 2 operative to fire a .40S&W round from a Sig Sauer at his (Palhinuk's) hand. The Level 2 hesitantly complied, firing at Agent Palhinuk. Analysis of the footage shows Agent Palhinuk stopping the bullet with his index finger and thumb. Afterward, he offered Dr Coleman the bottle; Dr Coleman drank of its contents and then instructed the Level 2 to shoot him (Coleman) in the hand. The Level 2 pulls the trigger, and the bullet passes through Dr Coleman's hand and implants in his shoulder. As Dr Coleman writhes in agony on the ground, Agent Palhinuk walks out of camera range. Analysis of the footage shows his hand-wraps falling away, revealing a glimpse of something black on his hands. Coincidentally, SCP-311 had been checked out of its containment box earlier that afternoon.
SCP-050 soon appeared on Agent Palhinuk's desk later that afternoon, along a collection of fresh vacuum marks on the carpeting and a notable lemony zest scent in the air.
Entry 25: At 9:22 pm, ██/██/2009, Agent Apocalemur was observed entering Agent Palhinuk's quarters carrying a cloth bundle. Five minutes later, he was observed leaving, still carrying the bundle.
The following day, Agent Palhinuk did not report for work. All attempts to locate him failed. He finally contacted the Foundation at 7:30 pm, claiming he had woken up inside a blue tunnel that led to the baggage hold of a commercial jet bound for Tokyo. Subsequent examination of Agent Palhinuk's quarters revealed that the thermostat had been set to its lowest setting, and all of the blankets had been removed and replaced with SCP-███.
SCP-050 was discovered on Agent Apocalemur's desk that evening.
Entry 26: At 7:28 pm, █/██/2009, Agent Apocalemur was called away by Assistant Researcher Fnumhaus, under the pretense of a SCP-173 containment breach. Security cameras reported Doctor Josef Kald entering Agent Apocalemur's quarters at approximately 7:33, carrying a large object wrapped in brown packaging paper and kite string. Josef Kald leaves Apocalemur's quarters at 7:35. Agent Apocalemur and Assistant Researcher Fnumhaus return at approximately 7:42, Fnumhaus in tears and obviously distressed. Agent Apocalemur is observed to reassure Fnumhaus briefly, offering her a pack of tissues. Fnumhaus leaves in the direction of the cafeteria.
Agent Apocalemur pauses briefly when he reaches his door - it had, apparently, been left open slightly. 1 Minute later, Agent Apocalemur is seen backing slowly out of his office, keeping his eyes fixed on something inside. It is at this point that the floor gives way beneath Apocalemur's feet.
Investigation lead to the discovery that Josef Kald had placed a replica of SCP-173 in Apocalemur's office, positioned just behind his bookcase so that it looked like it was "peeking out". It was positioned in such a way that it faced the door, establishing "eye contact" with whoever might enter the room. Small pools of blood and feces were discovered around the replica's feet, belonging to three different D-Class and Josef Kald himself respectively. (Upon later questioning, the D-Class admitted to having allowed Kald to draw blood from them with syringes, under pretense of an SCP that needed blood as part of its diet. Kald is not, and has never been, assigned to the care of such an SCP.)
The floor in front of Apocalemur's office had been sabotaged from the floor below, leaving whoever stepped on it twice to drop into a containment cell below. This containment cell was soundproof, for use in emergency storage of audio-memetic SCPs. The floor had been covered in mattresses, ensuring a soft fall, and the door was locked, despite the cell not being in use.
Agent Apocalemur was discovered three days later, during routine security check on the emergency cells, dehydrated and incredibly hungry, with a sprained wrist.
The replica of SCP-173 (made of wire frame, papier mache and spray-paint) was relocated to Doctor Josef Kald's office, shortly followed by SCP-050.
Addendum:
I fucking hate you. - Assistant Researcher Fnumhaus.
Wel, entschuuuuldigung, Prinzessin. - Doctor Kald
Entry 27: At 1714 hours, ██/██/2009, security cameras observed Dr. Josef Kald leaving his office for, he claims, "a snack", closing the door behind him. At this time both his office and the hallspace immediately outside his door were unoccupied, and the security record reflects this state for the following 13.25 hours. Dr. Kald reports returning to his office at 5:23 and finding that the door was slightly ajar, which raised his suspicions; however, as the rest of the room appeared to be untouched, he thought nothing of it. Dr. Kald reports leaving the office for the evening two hours later, which is confirmed by the time log. At this time nothing out of the ordinary appears to have occurred, save for the tampering in the security system.
At 0700 am the next day, Dr. Kald reports that his desk exploded upon opening the door to his office, activating fire suppression systems and triggering an alarm. At 0702, security arrived and discovered that the wooden contents of Dr. Kald's office had been replaced by a large swarm of SCP-236; by 0715, the security camera failure was detected, and a security team working with Dr. Kald, who was burned but largely uninjured, traced the breach to a laptop in a nearby hallway. The laptop was identified as belonging to Agent Apocalemur. Dr. Kald requests to view the security feed of Apocalemur's office, which shows what appears to be SCP-050 on his recently-cleaned desk. At 0945 the outbreak was deemed contained, and Dr. Kald was assigned a new temporary office.
At 1220, following Dr. Kald's report, Agent Apocalemur was summoned for a disciplinary hearing for violating SCP-236's containment procedures without authorization; Apocalemur claimed not to know anything about the situation and having assumed that SCP-050 deemed Dr. Kald's prank insufficiently clever and returned of its own volition.
At 0715 am the following day, Agent Apocalemur found that all metal contents of his office had vanished, and that his floor and desk were covered by a swarm of figures resembling SCP-068, which began to swarm into the hallway when the door was opened. By 0724, the outbreak was considered contained, and a review of security footage revealed that Dr. Kald had entered Apocalemur's office the previous day during the disciplinary hearing and planted a figure of SCP-068 in one of his filing cabinets; by 0730 it was confirmed that the original SCP-068 remained in containment, and the remaining replicas were disposed of. The security officers on duty at the time were found to have participated in Dr. Kald's breach trace that morning and were reprimanded. However, further review of the footage revealed that the statuette of SCP-050 was among the objects consumed by the outbreak of SCP-068; as all the replicas had been successfully destroyed, it was concluded that this statuette was an ordinary duplicate of SCP-050. At this time, the whereabouts of SCP-050 are unknown. Agent Apocalemur has been found innocent and sent out on assignment, and Dr. Kald has been disciplined for violating SCP-068's containment procedures without authorization.
Addendum: At 0926 hours, an envelope were delivered to Assistant Researcher Fnumhaus's office. The envelope reportedly contained an unsigned letter, typewritten in German, apologizing for using her in "the prank related to SCP-050"; Ms. Fnumhaus was unable to recall any further details, and reports that she immediately disposed of it in the nearest incinerator, finding upon returning to her office that it had been wallpapered with her files. At 1130 hours, Dr. Kald received a notification that new office space had been found for him and he was to report to Room 2216, which he found was actually the new storage space for SCP-173. Ms. Fnumhaus has been disciplined for violating procedure, but SCP-050 still has not been found.
Addendum: Upon questioning, maintenance staff report that Mr. Noaqiyeum's office has been unusually clean for the past week.
Entry 28: At 0915 hours, ██/██/2009, personnel near the office of Mr. Noaqiyeum reported an explosion, as well as an overwhelming odor of dog feces and tomato sauce. Security cameras outside Mr. Noaqiyeum's office show Mr. Noaqiyeum exiting his office, clearly disoriented and covered in a reddish-brown substance. Investigation revealed five rough holes in the floor of the office, each approximately 0.75 meters in diameter, located in the four corners of the room and directly under the typical location of Mr. Noaqiyeum's desk chair. Debris was found in the office consistent with five digital audio recorders fitted with remote activators, and a compact signaling device connected to a pressure switch was found in the seat of Mr. Noaqiyeum's desk chair. Reconstruction of the data on the audio recorders shows it to be a recording of a [DATA EXPUNGED] comedy routine.
At approximately 1400 hours the previous day, security cameras captured Researcher Leicontis repeatedly entering a vacant office directly beneath that of Mr. Noaqiyeum carrying a total of five standard 5-gallon (19 liter) buckets and a duffel bag. Researcher Leicontis's office shows signs of recent extensive cleaning.
Note: Researcher Leicontis's proposal to research weaponization of SCP-504 is hereby approved. - O5-██
Entry 29: At 15:35 hours, ██/██/2009, Researcher Leicontis was seen leaving his office. Doctor Kald was seen entering Leicontis' office at 15:40 hours, carrying 5 large sacks which were dripping with an undistinguished red fluid, a large mess of thin wires and pulleys. Doctor Kald was then seen leaving at 16:18, sprinting in the opposite direction that Leicontis had left in earlier. Personnel in adjacent offices reported hearing somebody yelling "Fuck fuck fuck fuck" at approximately this time. Researcher Leicontis seen returning to his office at 16:20. Ran out in panic fifteen seconds later, falling down, quickly getting up, and taking off in full sprint down the hall. Several doctors in adjacent offices opened their doors, looked in the direction Leicontis left in, looked at Leicontis' open office door, and rapidly closed their own. Alarms were sounded, and security personnel armed with flamethrowers were called to answer threat of a possible SCP-008 outbreak.
As it turns out, Dr. Kald had constructed five replicas of human bodies from steak and chicken breast, and then cut and painted them to resemble people infected with SCP-008. They were hung from the ceiling using wires and pulleys, and rigged so that they'd be set in motion indicative of SCP-008 infectees when the door was opened. On the same day, cafeteria personnel had reported several kilograms of meat had gone missing from their stock.
SCP-050 has been located on top of Dr. Kald's bookcase.
Entry 30: From ██/██/2009 to ██/██/2009, maintenance teams were called twenty-seven times to Dr. Kald's office while he was out, all having received orders to install, repair, or remove a piece of furniture from the office, apparently at random. Dr. Kald became increasingly paranoid about these intrusions, considering his possession of SCP-050, and at ██:██ of ██/██/2009, decided to bring his paperwork and the SCP back to his quarters and work from there. Upon entering his quarters, Dr. Kald was doused by the contents of a bucket carefully balanced on the entrance's doorjamb.
A database search determined all the maintenance requests to have been made from terminals Dr. Zara had access to. When questioned, he replied with a terse letter containing an image of SCP-050 sitting inside his mini-fridge.
Entry 31: At 02:31 hours, ██/██/2009, security cameras monitoring SCP-603's containment locker, adjacent containment rooms and halls in storage site-23 were disrupted for about thirty seconds. No change was detected when the cameras flickered back on. At 03:52 hours the same day, security cameras near Dr. Zara's quarters, Dr. Kald's office, and Researcher Leicontis' office experienced some disruption which lasted about ten minutes, long enough for the night guards to notice. The respective personnel were immediately notified. Dr. Kald's office door and Dr. Zara's quarters' door were observed to be slightly ajar, and both of them immediately hurried to the site. Both immediately demanded access to the surveillance servers. During their self-investigation, they were observed to distrust each other until they found out a certain terminal in Researcher Leicontis' office was responsible for the security camera disruption. They both then confronted Researcher Leicontis, which had just arrived on the site, demanding him to confess. Coaxed by Dr. Kald's demand to investigate the terminal, the three of them then entered Researcher Leicontis' office at approximately 04:10 hours. At 04:11, a loud bang was heard coming from Researcher Leicontis' office. Dr. Zara, Dr. Kald and Researcher Leicontis came out of the office covered in chunky tomato juice. Investigations found that a small floor tile in Researcher Leicontis' office had been removed, and a small hole containing a makeshift pressure plate, a miniature mp3 player containing the same [DATA EXPUNGED] comedy routine previously used by Researcher Leicontis, and the remains of five ripe tomatoes. The exact method used to trigger the activation of the mp3 player by the pressure plate is dubious, but it has been theorized that SCP-603 could be used to [DATA EXPUNGED].
Extended investigations discovered Agent Carriontrooper's fingerprints on SCP-603's containment locker. Agent Carriontrooper was listed as on duty in [DATA EXPUNGED], ████ km from the site, at ██/██/2009.
SCP-050 was discovered missing from Dr. Zara's mini-fridge, and reported as having appeared in Agent Carriontrooper's office in the SCP South East Asian Branch's Headquarters. It is now clear that Agent Carriontrooper had somehow hacked his way to the surveillance cameras and personnel location databases during the incident.
Entry 32: On ██/██/2009, an email began to circulate among the Foundation staff. Attached to the email was a video that appeared to depict Agent Carriontrooper engaging in [DATA EXPUNGED] with SCP-███, ███, ███, and ███. Agent Carriontrooper was brought up on disciplinary charges and given mandatory psychological counseling, despite his insistence that he had nothing to do with making the video.
Addendum: Agent Apocalemur has successfully applied for approval to plant several Buddleja specimens in SCP-408's aviary. Attached to one bush was a note, simply reading: "Thanks. -A." Agent Apocalemur's quarters have recently been described as being uncharacteristically organized.
Entry 33: On ██/██/2009, Dr. Coleman was seen pinning a notice to the breakroom notice board which read, "Due to the effects of SCP-███ all personnel who have received a Class A or B amnesiac will be required to report to Dr. Light immediately." This was signed and notarised by no fewer than 17 members of O5 command and senior staff. After seeing this an email was immediately sent out retracting the information and causing mass panic among some of our more paranoid employees. After what can only be described as a "bum's rush" on Dr. Light's newly refurbished office resulting in the destruction of many items contained within, SCP-050 was found on Dr. Coleman's desk.
Addendum: When Dr. Coleman was asked why he hadn't pranked the previous holder of SCP-050 to gain control of it, he replied, "Well I'm not at war with them, now am I?"
Entry 34: On ██/██/2009, Dr. Coleman was called away from his office by Assistant Researcher Fnumhaus (with legitimate reasons pertaining to SCP-295, for once) at 19:34. Dr. Kald was observed passing by on 19:36, looking at a printout he was clutching, then the nameplate on the door. Observed tapping the space where his chin would be located (covered by mask), then running away, returning some minutes later with a black pot of ink later identified as SCP-889. Observed exiting Coleman's office fifteen minutes later, with strangely shaped blots of ink covering his white surgeon's gloves. Was seen discarding them before entering an unused office a few doors down the hall.
Dr. Coleman was seen returning to his office at 20:21, with slightly singed clothing. When he entered his office, Dr. Kald burst out of the office he'd holed up in, pushing a heavy writing desk in front of him. Audio records registered "a battlecry of sorts". Seen placing desk in front of Dr. Coleman's door, barricading it successfully and then sprinting down the hall at remarkable speed.
Audio records indicate screaming and banging on the door for approx. five minutes before several other researchers whose offices were located further down the hall removed the desk. Dr. Coleman observed stumbling out of his office screaming, "Clowns! All the blots are clowns!" Placed in recovery ward, as he was, as one doctor described it, "freaked out beyond BELIEF". Seems to be quickly heading toward full recovery.
SCP-050 has been located in Dr. Kald's new office, standing proudly on top of his fish tank.
Addendum: Zeit für Krieg. -Dr. Josef Kald
Entry 35: On ██/██/2009, Dr. Coleman was seen inserting caster sugar into the input booth of SCP-914 set to Very Fine and retrieving a small white brick. He repeated this act until he had 8 such bricks. Dr. Coleman requested access to SCP-408's aviary on the evening of ██/██/2009 and after talking with the mass of SCP-408 he left 2 bricks that were output from SCP-914 and left. On the morning of ██/██/2009 Dr. Kald vanished from the facility's security cameras in the blindspot between the dormitory he was staying at (due to what has now been found to have been a deliberate disruption to the parking system thanks to a number of food-based bribes by Dr. Coleman to low-level security staff) and his office.
From interviews with Dr. Kald taken during his counselling sessions, apparently he proceeded normally from the dormitory to his office unaware that SCP-408 was projecting an illusion of the facility and shielding him from normal security measures and taking him into an abandoned Keter-level holding cell where Dr. Coleman was seen placing the remaining 6 bricks of output into buckets of water. Dr. Coleman also placed a note on the floor near the entrance along with a standard 2-way radio handset, and set up a number of video cameras on tripods facing the note.
Upon entering the abandoned room, SCP-408 uncloaked partially to allow Dr. Kald to believe he was in a Keter-level holding cell which had initiated lockdown upon his entrance. Upon seeing the note and radio, Dr. Kald approached and picked up the note. The note was retrieved after the incident; its contents read:
Dear Victim.
In your hands you hold a declaration of war from one Dr. Peter Coleman. I am allowing you to see this and surrender peacefully. You will also find details of Site 17's newest resident SCP-682 - apparently O5 is going to attempt a new round of decommissioning, and you, my dear friend, are now standing no less than 6.096m (20') from him.
Don't worry though, my dear victim. There is a way for you to survive. SCP-408, which has led you to here, can keep you undetectable to that big ugly monster for no longer than 15 minutes. So here is what you have to do. Strip naked and then use the radio in your hand to contact me on the pre-dialed frequency. After doing so, you need to sing the songs I request to the best of your ability. The better you do, the higher your chance of escape will be. If you impress me enough and follow my orders to the letter, I will enact the procedure to let you escape unharmed. If not, well… Sorry.
Tick tock, Mr. Bond. Tick Tock.
Yours Faithfully,
Dr. Peter Coleman.
Attached to the documents were exquisitely forged documentation detailing all the requirements for the transport and installation of SCP-682 along with falsified information pertaining to its transport and installation. All signatures were present and correct and even the paper grade was correct for this kind of documentation.
After being show what was apparently SCP-682 sleeping nearby, and defecating himself, Dr. Kald stripped naked and used the radio. What followed can be bought for $9.99 from http://www.[REDACTED] in a censored format; an uncensored version is available from Dr. Coleman for $14.99. All proceeds will be donated to the Child's Play foundation. The highlights include Dr. Kald performing such hits as Dancing Queen and I Want To Break Free with surprising grace and choreography for a man with apparently no prior training as a performer. After 11 minutes SCP-408 projected a series of clapping hands and flashing signs declaring that Dr. Kald had successfully saved himself and that the doors would be opened shortly. While the doors were apparently cycling open the projection of 682 was seen to look up and begin to sniff the air; this caused great alarm to Dr. Kald who proceeded to shout updates down the radio as to 682's behaviour. After 3 minutes of stalking around the room, the projection of 682 fixed Dr. Kald with its gaze and prepared to pounce. Dr. Kald then began to beg for his mother, defecated himself again and broke down sobbing as the projection pounced at him, before dissipating along with SCP-408's other projections.
Scrawled on the floor in grease pen were the words "Dr. Coleman does not like to be exposed to memetic agents. Remember this." apparently written by SCP-408. The buckets and tapes were found to be empty after a cleanup team was dispatched to retrieve him. It is believed that Dr. Kald will make a full recovery.
Addendum: In regards to the perfectly forged documentation that Dr. Coleman has repeatedly produced for these acts, Dr. Coleman has gone on record stating "It's amazing what you can do with a cloning tree and some patience, isn't it?" O5 command has ordered an investigation into these matters.
Entry 36: 16/12/2009: Dr. Coleman discovered suspended by a length of rope from SCP-038. Several clones of the doctor had already been made. Dr. Coleman noted as being disoriented and confused with no memory of how he got there, although uninjured and with no anomalous blood chemicals that might indicate use of a tranquilizer, and SCP-038's containment cell had apparently never been opened that day. Clones have been reassigned as Class-D personnel, and access to SCP-038 has been restricted until someone can tell us what happened.
SCP-050 came into Dr. Light's possession on the same day. Inquiries are being made.
Announcement: Use of SCP-038 for further "pranks" is now forbidden. -O5-██
Note: Seriously, how the hell did she do that? -████
Entry 37: At 7:32am on ██/██/2009, an interdepartmental e-mail from an unknown address was circulated, with an attached picture of SCP-050 in level 1 research assistant Schumacher’s quarters. It included the text “I win, suckers! You’ll never get me!” Worth noting is that this behavior would be exceedingly atypical for Schumacher, who is regarded as a particularly introverted individual. In addition, no prank against Dr. Light was registered.
Seven minutes later, the following e-mail from another anonymous account was circulated:
Subject: O5 Announcement – High priority
Body: "Due to a potential Keter-level cross-SCP interaction between SCP-050 and SCP-131, which level 1 research assistant Schumacher had been assisting with, all personnel, are encouraged to attempt to obtain SCP-050 from Schumacher at the earliest possible opportunity. Special consideration will be given to any disciplinary breaches by personnel engaged in this endeavor."
This was not a 05 announcement, and attempts to trace its origin have thus far failed. It was retracted approximately two hours later in an official 05 announcement, and the concept of "a Keter level interaction between SCP-050 and SCP-131" was denounced as "the stupidest thing we've heard in a while," but this appears to have done little to prevent the actions that followed.
Over the course of the next day, research assistant Schumacher suffered seven instances of blunt-force trauma from separate sources (three to the head, two to the shins, one to the stomach and one to the groin), ingested several inedible but non-fatal substances, was set on fire, exposed to liquid nitrogen, was forced to remove almost all worn clothing by exposure to SCP-061 (SCP-061 was shut off before the command to remove underwear was given), suffered exposure to SCP-170, was “accidentally” re-assigned as a D-Class personnel for several hours, was exposed to SCP-113 (his appearance didn't change all that much, surprisingly), was locked in an empty room with SCP-076 for four minutes (after which SCP-076 smashed the door down and took his leave, expressing displeasure), was attacked by a moderate-sized group of SCP-098 which had been irritated to the point of aggression (resulting in lacerations to the ankles) and was tricked into believing that he had been placed in SCP-914 on “Fine” setting (Schumacher fainted due to a combination of stress and fear, before having his hair dyed, a fake tan applied and getting an image of SCP-682 tattooed on his [REDACTED]).
[FURTHER DATA EXPUNGED]
It is believed that Schumacher will recover given enough time, although psychiatric counseling is recommended to reduce any lasting effects and to prevent him from attempting to murder any foundation personnel. Several weeks of hospital leave have been approved.
Notably, SCP-050 has not left research assistant Schumacher’s quarters, and was some help in cleaning up the room, including the destroyed bed (a combination of several separate chemicals placed under its covers at different points during the day caused it to dissolve and collapse at approximately 4:00pm). Schumacher, upon regaining consciousness, successfully passed a polygraph test asking about his involvement in this incident. He has been cleared of suspicion, and further investigation into this entire incident, including SCP-050’s apparent failure to return to the person responsible, is pending.
Note: “Over 4 containment breaches, 197 violations of personnel safety rules, approx. $70,000 in property damage, 23 separate disciplinary hearings, and the only instance of research assistant Schumacher ever attempting physical violence against another human. I don’t know whether to be proud or disgusted.” – O5-█
Note: “Okay, please, can someone explain to me in simple terms what the hell happened here today?”- ████████
Entry 38: On ██/██/2009, Assistant Schumacher was called out of his quarters by an email from an unknown source. Five minutes later, security footage showed Dr. Okagawa entering Schumacher's quarters, carrying a bag with unknown contents, and leaving the room a few minutes later without the bag.
Upon returning, Schumacher was met with a horrifying surprise. His bed was covered in what appeared to be SCP-447-2 and the supposed body of a dead rodent. Personnel in adjacent rooms reported hearing a stream of profanity, followed by a thud. Worried researchers found him passed out on the floor, with a note on his desk. A later examination found the note to have been written by Dr. Okagawa, in a professional form of Japanese. Later analysis found the note to read:
Dear Schumacher-san:
I wish to tell you that your bed was involved in an accident involving one of today's experiments. Some (insult left untranslated) tried putting SCP-447 and a novelty toy into 914 on Coarse. The result was threatening the containment of SCP-██, and your room was the only open door far enough away from it, so that's where it ended up. Good luck surviving the [DATA EXPUNGED].
The slime was later identified as green gelatin from the kitchen, and the "dead rat" was made of rubber.
SCP-050 was later found in Dr. Okagawa's office.
Entry 39:
NoteToSelf: paint stains -20hrs in office(Schumacher) gone w/o trace. Maintenance claims ignorance. Confidence statuette=genuine, now 87%.
Dr. Korsakov - I've been hearing some kind of humming since I was returned from my most recent medical leave. Is this from either of the last 050 incidents, or unrelated? - Schumacher
You may be experiencing some temporary tinnitus as a result of █████████████. If it doesn't go away within the next couple of weeks, let me know and I'll take a look at it. - Dr. Korsakov
Memo, ██/██/2009: Schumacher-san stopped moving when I dropped off paperwork yesterday and wasn't responding when I asked him if he was all right. Could someone check on him?
NoteToSelf: Beaten to punch. Need plan++ for Okagawa. Pull back, save resources for later? ~functional; already at work, will ~caught iff plan succeeds. Facility comm systems still insecure?
Telephone Transcript, ██/██/2009
"Mr. █████ Schumacher you were absent at your required medical examination at ██:██ ██, ██/██/2009 with Dr. Korsakov. Please press 1 to contact our office immediately to reschedule."
Memo, ██/█3/2009: Could someone please explain to me why my research assistant has come to my office every day for the past week, twitching in pain, knocked on the door, and left? I'm having him placed back on medical leave immediately. - Dr. ███████
Site-Wide Broadcast, ██/█4/2009
On the report of Dr. Vaught, Site 19 is hereby placed under class-9 quarantine. All research personnel are to report to the medical wing immediately for containment and examination. Emergency Class-D replacement procedures may begin within the next six hours. Please be ready for further bulletins as the situation develops.//
Sigh… false alarm, you can cancel the alert. Surgery says the gears are ordinary brass. I'm going back over the patient's records to find out what moron authorized these implants and have them removed. Everyone can leave the lobby. If you could, could you order them to clean it up after themselves, too? - Dr. Vaught
Security Footage, ██/█4/2009
(Sound has been filtered from this footage.)Site 19 main medical lobby, 16:01 hr. The surging crowd of personnel turns towards the speaker system mounted on the wall, apparently in response to a broadcast. Careful examination of the frames between 16:01:10 and 16:01:32 shows Mr. Noaqiyeum donning a mask and a pair of noise-canceling headphones with a mouthpiece. Within seconds, all freeze.
16:03 hr. All personnel, including medical staff, turn towards the entrance and slowly file outside. Noaqiyeum remains in the lobby.
16:04 hr. Once outside, all personnel begin to dance.
16:09 hr. Dancing ceases. Personnel continue walking away from the lobby. Noaqiyeum exits and becomes lost in the crowd..
16:10 hr. Broadcast apparently ends. Medical staff return to the building.
The above footage, from 1604 to 1609, was forwarded to all Site 19 staff by the following morning, with audio added from [DATA EXPUNGED].
SCP-050 has been seen in Mr. Noaqiyeum's office.
Addendum: On ██/██/2009, whilst Schumacher was recovering from implant-removal surgery in Medical Ward 04, a large number of Site 019 personnel received handwritten letters both gently chastising and congratulating them on recent "accomplishments". This distribution included several individuals not known to be involved, as well as Dr. Okagawa and Mr. Noaqiyeum. Although the letters were unsigned, Schumacher's excessively polite writing style is instantly recognizable. These messages appear to be genuine in intent, but nevertheless many recipients are displaying an understandable level of paranoia, believing they have been "marked".
Note: Research Assistant Schumacher has requested temporary exposure to SCP-021 because, in his own words, "I don't enjoy having 682 that close to sensitive parts."
Entry 40:
Video Log: ██/██/2009, 12:34 PM. Mr. Noaqiyeum leaves for the cafeteria (presumably for lunch/late breakfast). Dr. Kald is seen entering Mr. Noaqiyeums' office, carrying several testing vials and SCP-███. Left the office 5 minutes later, closing the door behind him rather hurriedly. Brief glimpse of something purple caught by security camera.
Noaqiyeum returns 10 minutes later. Opens door. Is snagged by a large tentacle, and pulled into his office. Door is pulled shut by a second tentacle.
Security team dispatched to Noaqiyeum's office. Found him there, entangled by a romantic giant squid. Noaqiyeum requested to be freed at the team's earliest convenience. Team is observed to laugh for several minutes, then tranquilize the cephalopod and free Noaqiyeum. The squid was donated to Sea World.
Five hours later, a turtleneck sweater was delivered to Noaqiyeum's new office, attached to which was a note reading "This will help cover your love-bites." in German.
SCP-050 has been located in Kald's office. On the same day, Kald was admitted to medical treatment of a sprained ankle. In his own words," The damn thing tripwired the door… with my computer mouse."
Entry 41:
██/██/2009, room C482 was involved in a breach of SCP-███ and closed for repairs. Two days later the same thing occurred to rooms E224 and E225. A retrospective examination reveals that these rooms are directly below and above Dr. Kald's office, respectively, though nothing much was thought of this at the time.
██/██/2009, 8:20 AM, Dr. Kald entered his office and flipped on the light switch. This switch was later found to be connected to not only the lights, but also a network of superconducting electromagnets mounted in the floor of room C482 and the ceiling of room E224, sufficient to induce diamagnetic levitation on a number of the objects in the room. Approximately 11 hours later, Dr. Kald was able to work open the office door and call for help. The electromagnets were deactivated about an hour after that. Dr. Kald was readmitted to medical treatment to ensure that the experience had not caused any permanent damage, leaving his room empty for the following day.
██/██/2009, Dr. Kald found his office filled with 487 exact replicas of SCP-050, carefully sorted, and the rest of the office clean. A note on the top of his inbox was found to read "Mehr Licht, Doktor?" At 8:32 Dr. Kald requested to view the security feed of Mr. Noaqiyeum's office, which revealed the presence of SCP-050 on his desk. At 8:50, 487 replicas of SCP-050 were taken to Incinerator 32B and disposed of; upon returning to his office, Dr. Kald found that it had been filled with sand mixed with tacks and festooned with cobwebs of long strips of double-sided tape, hanging from the ceiling.
Review of the security feed of Mr. Noaqiyeum's office showed two copies of SCP-050 on his desk.
Entry 42:
██/██/2010, Mr. Noaqiyeum is seated in his office. Over the course of several minutes, he begins to nod, and then to fall asleep. Later testing proves that a one-month dose of class-one amnesiac has been administered to his office via the air ducts. When Mr. Noaqiyeum awakens, an email is waiting for him. Contents of email later found to read: "Mr. Noaqiyeum: Amnesiacs administered at your own request. However, the Site Director in charge of 231 did ask me to pass on his best regards, and has requested you be sent back on a bi-monthly basis. You are to be given a commendation for exceptional performance in the line of duty. — Personnel Director Bright PS:The tapes are amazing. I've never seen anyone who so ENJOYED performing procedure 110-Montauk."
Ten minutes later, Mr. Noaqiyeum is admitted to the Site 19 psych ward, and treated for self-inflicted lacerations upon his wrists.
SCP-050 is found in Dr. Bright's office.
Entry 43:
On ██/██/2010, Systems Technician Joshua Adam Kent responds to a routine call by Personnel Director Bright. Records indicate Dr. Brights work computer had once again become overloaded with spyware and viruses. Dr. Bright explains the problem, and leaves Kent alone in his office. Kent is observed watching SCP-050, and one several occasions, tilting his head as if listening. Kent fixes Dr. Bright's computer, and then proceeds to spend some time on the insides.
██/██/2010, Kent is once again called to Dr. Bright's office, to fix the same problem. Kent is taped talking to Dr. Bright, and asking him to display the problem. Dr. Bright places his hands on the keyboard, and all cameras in the vicinity go black. This coincidences with an Euclid-level breach, during which time SCP-[DATA EXPUNGED]
After the mess was cleared away, Dr. Bright is discovered missing. It is assumed he was affected by the SCP, and will make his way back shortly, along with the other displaced Researchers. Kent is present and accounted for.
SCP-050 shows up in the System Technician's work room.
██/██/2010, Fox News reports an unusual event. Koko the gorilla has, apparently overnight, forgotten her entire vocabulary of sign language. The only signs the ape now makes are extremely vulgar hand gestures. The simian has also taken to drawing repetitive symbols with her art supplies, image that could almost be mistaken for words and numbers. The most common such drawings invoke the letters 'c', 'p', and 's', and the numbers '3', '6', and '9'. Koko's handlers have begun to blame the loss of language skills on a mysterious lump that has shown up in CAT scans of Koko.
A mobile task force is immediately dispatched. Upon arrival at the scene, Koko greets the MTF with open arms, and responds to questioning, revealing herself to be Dr. Bright through simple yes/no questions.
Foundation Researchers are still attempting to figure out a way to remove SCP-963 from the gorilla's skull, without harming Koko.
How Kent was able to implant 963 is still unknown.
Entry $$:
On █/██/ 2010, an error occurred in the Foundation Main Database, reassigning System Technician Kent to a squad dea #&@Stoping teh dred lord asaTofh!!1!^)##*@gside the cleaning crews. During the !(*@seging of castul helfire^!(#gnment, Joshua Kent was ordered to !+=`~save th princes aShlye from the barron Blakstaf!!11!2!{\@(aw sewage, with several gallons of feces, ^3~_>,GOLD AND PLATINUM$9(=1#on his head.
During the second half of the assignment, !0&@Sir Ketn and his freinds the magikal night bob*!! had to test several *%@# super majick wepons!)!$ despite the odor. During this time, a routine system sweep had found a(@$!barrel of pur AWESUMNESS@$%@ in the Database. Despite the numerous nearby systems that could have been infected, SCP!)$@-1337 fout the dred lord on a volcanno!!1@(%* concerning System Technician Kent's assignment.
System Technician Kent was returned to Site 23, and SCP-050 was later discovered on a hard drive that was heavily infected by SCP-732.
Entry 45:
On ██/██/2010, Dr. Light connected the SCP-732-infected hard drive to a scanner, and asked 732 if it could produce "LOLCAT" images on request. Its response, presented in the form of an 8000-word erotic story featuring itself (in the form of a man named "Lord Kickass"), Dr. Light, and [REDACTED], was that with the help of SCP-050 it can do anything.
Dr. Light provided SCP-732 with scanned photographs of SCP-577, SCP-529, SCP-607, and two instantiations of SCP-331. SCP-732 produced 10 "LOLCAT" images for each photograph.
Dr. Light then provided SCP-732 with SCP-637 in the form of a drawing by SCP-637-2. As a result of this, SCP-732 was rapidly overwritten with an estimated 63 GB of text describing SCP-637's actions and appearance; whether this information could have filled all available computer memory is unknown, as the last actions of the "Lord Kickass" instantiation were to induce total mechanical failure to its hard drive, accompanied by catastrophic uncontrolled oxidation.
SCP-050 was found in Dr. Light's office the next morning.
Note: SCP-637-2 reports that SCP-637 was not harmed by its venture into SCP-732, but that its fur was "really messed up".
Note: Other copies of SCP-732 seem unaffected by the suicide of "Lord Kickass".
Entry 46:
On ██/██/2010, surveillance find Dr. Light entering her office. As she does, a figure in a hoodie (with the hood up, concealing his face) rushes by and roughly shoves her into her office, and threw a small object in behind her. Also caught on camera is Dr. Light passing through a small laser-trip device.
Two minutes later, water is seen seeping out from under the door in small amounts. Dr. Light has not exited the room. Shortly thereafter, the hooded figure returns, opens the door, and places a synthetic insulation pad under it, effectively making it water-tight. Several curses from doctor Light are heard, including '[EXPLETIVE REDACTED] bird boy'.
Five hours later, Dr. Light has still not exited the room. Staff report a loud banging noise coming from the ventilation shafts.
Fifteen minutes later, Dr. Light's door bursts open, and a torrent of water is released, flooding the immediate area. Dr. Light is seen standing two meters inside her doorway, utterly soaked. SCP-272 is seen at her feet, in her shadow. A short length of chain with an electromagnet is hung from a nail in the wall on the other side of the room, dangling a now-closed SCP-109. The chain and 109 are near the ceiling, and near an open ventilation shaft on the ceiling. Additionally, a laser-break trap is found in the doorway, which is synced via radio to a small unscrewing device that SCP-109 is attached to.
Water stains on the wall indicate that the water level reached Dr. Light's chin, at its peak.
SCP-050 has been caught by surveillance cameras in Delivery Agent Roadrunner's car, mounted on the dashboard.
Entry 47:
On ██/██/2010, Delivery Agent Roadrunner a package to be delivered "By Order of O5-█" to Dr. Clef's office. According to reports, Dr. Clef received the package later that night, and opened it up with a crowbar. The package was found to contain one (1) Everlast 12oz Pro Style Boxing Glove, which was propelled towards Dr. Clef at high velocity by one (1) high-tensile iron spring. Dr. Clef reportedly [REDACTED] Delivery Agent Roadrunner down I-██ in his [REDACTED] the whole night.
Dr. Edison found SCP-050 in his posession the next morning.
Entry 48:
Dr. Edison was doing paperwork at his desk on ██/██/2010, when Dr. ████ approched Dr. Edison saying Dr. Clef wanted him in his office. According to Dr. ████, Dr. Edison reportedly "screamed like a little girl" and jumped out his office's third story window, suffering multiple fractures. Delivery Agent Roadrunner found SCP-050 in his car the next morning. Supposedly, Dr. ████ was collaborating with Delivery Agent Roadrunner.
I don't recall asking Dr. ████ to do anything. I suspect this may be a fake 050. -Roadrunner
Entry 49:
The SCP-050 in Delivery Agent Roadrunner's possession was proved to be a fake after a series of pranks caused by Doctors M██, L█████ and C████, including:
- Switching Roadrunner's caculator with SCP-168.
- Making ███ clones of Dr. Bright using SCP-222.
- Planting SCP-322 in a pot in the back of agent Roadrunner's car.
- Filling Agent Roadrunner's glove compartment with [DATA EXPUNGED].
On this attempt they accidentally shattered his SCP-050. The real SCP-050 was later revealed to be in possession of Dr. ████ the entire time.
Entry 50:
On █-█-██, █ hours after supposed containment breach of non-existant SCP-███, "Komm, Susser Tod" began playing over the Site ██ loudspeaker at █:██ PM. Moments later, Site ██ was flooded with a high volume of orange-flavored powdered beverage, better known as "T███". Dr Edison has claimed responsibility for the prank, but has expressed displeasure that SCP-050 is not in his possession.
I don't get it. -Dr. ████
Same here. -Dr. Bright
Someone already tried flooding. Come up with your own jokes next time. -Dr. Clef
My god, haven't any of you guys watched "End of Evangelion"? -Dr Edison
End of what? -Dr. ████
Doesn't ring a bell. -Dr. Bright
Entry 51:
In an attempt to explain his prank, Dr. Edison invites Drs. ████ and Bright to watch The End of Evangelion (新世紀エヴァンゲリオン劇場版), a 1997 Japanese animated film directed by Hideaki Anno, and a conclusion to the popular Anime series Neon Genesis Evangelion. After a short lecture to give some background information on the show, he then begins the movie proper. █ hours later, Dr. ████ arrives at the infirmary begging to be given Class-A Amnesiacs. SCP-050 is found in Dr. Edison's possession the next day.
Dr. Edison's copy of The End of Evangelion has been found to be completely identical to the commercial release in all respects, and Dr. Bright has suffered no ill effects. Further investigation pending.
Whoops. Oh well. I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth -Dr. Edison
Entry 52:
On ██/██/████, Dr. Edison received a message that his assistance was needed to contain SCP-███, located in ████████. Security footage shows Dr. Edison entering a helicopter, with a hooded, unidentified pilot. The GPS tracking unit in the helicopter indicated that the helicopter did indeed travel to ████████. Upon reaching ██°██ N, ██°███ W, the security camera in the helicopter shows the unidentified pilot putting the helicopter into autopilot, turning around, and shooting Dr. Edison in the neck with a tranquilizer. At this point, it is revealed that it is Delivery Agent Roadrunner.
He then straps a parachute onto Dr. Edison and throws him out of the helicopter, directly into the heart of SCP-416.
Dr. Edison is recovered four days later by an extraction team, having been notified by Delivery Agent Roadrunner that he was there, and is shown to be suffering from PTSD. It took two weeks of rehabilitation to get him to acceptable levels for work within The Foundation again.
SCP-050 was found in Roadrunner's car the next day.
THAT'LL teach ya! -Roadrunner
As you may know, this means war. // -Dr. Edison
P.S. thank god for A-Class Amnesiacs //
Entry 53:
On ██/██/████ Delivery Agent Roadrunner arrived at ████████ County Court for his hearing on a speeding ticket, which he had acquired several weeks previously but had lost in the aftermath of Incident ████-██-4 (see entry 49). Upon entering the court, Roadrunner found that Dr. Edison was serving as prosecutor for an unknown reason. Over the course of the trial, Roadrunner was tried for more than a dozen petty, inconsequential crimes, including ██ counts of speeding, ███ counts of littering, and ████ counts of noise pollution (half of which have been verified by foundation staff).
Rather than pay a fine (estimated at $██████.██), Delivery Agent Roadrunner was sentenced to "have the ████ beat out of him by a 6-foot-tall guy in a rabbit costume for █ hours". After Agent Roadrunner's "sentence" was fulfilled, SCP-050 was spotted in Dr. Edison's office, next to SCP-141.
Two can play at this game… Keter duty is totally worth it. -Dr. Edison
You have started a war that you cannot win. Prepare to be disgraced in every manner possible. -Roadrunner
Entry 54:
On ██/██/████, at ██:██PM, Dr. Edison was seen entering his office. He notices a small brown bag on his desk, and picks it up.
Emptying its sole content into his hand, he immediately dropped it and screamed. The camera shows it to be an exact replica of SCP-113. After █ seconds of high-pitched screaming (noted to be louder than 1██ decibels), he calmed down and noticed a second object that had fallen out of the bag. Investigation found it to be a note that read:
Gotcha!
-RR
Entry 55:
On ██/██/████, Delivery Agent Roadrunner called Site ██ to report that his car was being destroyed by a "Giant Robot", only to be cut-off partway through. Mobile Task Force was dispatched to the site, and found him in the clutches of what appeared to be a seven-meter-tall "Robosapien V2", a toy manufactured by WowWee electronics. The task force was able to successfully disable the machine without destroying it, and it was brought to Site ██ for examination. Seeing as SCP-050 appeared on Dr. Edison's desk later that day, he immediately came under suspicion. When questioned, Edison calmly admitted that he deconstructed a standard Robosapien V2, and reconstructed it piece by piece through SCP-786 in a fashion similar to a "Ship-In-A-Bottle". The robot (hereby known as SCP-786-2) has been confiscated until further notice.
Entry 56:
On ██/██/████, Dr. Edison ate his noontime meal in Cafeteria 3, and then returned to his office. The food contained prodrugs [REDACTED] and [REDACTED], which — when combined with the [REDACTED] which had been painted on Dr. Edison's office doorknob and absorbed through his skin — formed a class-A amnesiac.
When Dr. Edison regained consciousness, he found a forged document on his desk detailing containment procedures for the non-existent Keter-class "SCP-055". This SCP was described as a memory-suppressing phenomenon which the Foundation was incapable of properly describing, but which had been determined to be responsible for over ████ deaths.
The document specified that only one individual would be able to remember "SCP-055" at a time, and therefore, despite the humiliating nature of the containment procedures, neither Dr. Edison nor any witnesses would retain any memory of his having performed them.
To quell suspicion, the document claimed that this was Dr. Edison's fourteenth time performing this procedure, and included an addendum allegedly sent to Dr. Edison by his past self to establish his bona fides. This addendum recounted how, when Dr. Edison was nine years old, he [REDACTED].
Thus persuaded, Dr. Edison returned to the cafeteria, where he ate three bowls of prune compote and three bran muffins, drank three liters of water, and took four Viagra tablets. He then [REDACTED], so that he could draw a 4-meter-wide glyph on the cafeteria floor in his own [REDACTED], all the while chanting the phrase "OWA TAGOO SIAM".
SCP-050 was later seen in Dr. King's office.
Note: How the hell did you find out what he did when he was nine?! - Dr. Bright
Note: It's amazing what 758 and 410 can do when they work together on something phrased vaguely enough. - Dr. King
Entry 57:
At approximately 0900 hours on ██/██/████, Dr. King entered his office to begin work for the day, emerging several minutes later carrying a thick sheaf of papers and appearing both exhausted and disheveled. After shouting and babbling incoherently at several nearby staff, he was apprehended by security personnel and taken to the infirmary. While physical maladies were relatively minor (scrapes, bruises, slight dehydration, [DATA EXPUNGED]), as of the time of this writing Dr. King is still undergoing psychiatric treatment, and is not expected to be able to return to duty for at least another several weeks.
The papers carried by Dr. King have been found to be an inelegant merger of The Eye of Argon and a biography of Johnny Appleseed. SCP-826 was found on Dr. King's desk after the incident.
Security footage of the corridor outside Dr. King's office shows Dr. Leicontis entering the office carrying a large briefcase, which appears considerably lighter upon his reemergence. SCP-050 has since been spotted in Dr. Leicontis' office.
Entry 58:
Dr. Leicontis arrives at the Site 19 infirmary at ██:██:██ on ██/██/████, suffering from a minor concussion. Review of security footage revealed that the instigator of this incident was the skin of a Musa x paradisiaca fruit left in a nearby hallway, causing Dr. Leicontis to slip and clumsily fall over. SCP-050 was found on Dr. Edison's desk the next morning.
"I can't believe nobody else has tried this yet." -Dr. Edison
Entry 59:
Dr. Edison sounds a memetic hazard outbreak alarm, and security teams arrive at his office. Dr. Edison is found unconscious in front of his computer, suffering from severe self-inflicted cranial trauma.
Access logs reveal that Dr. Edison previously was reading one of Dr. Caldwell's suggestions before sounding the alarm.
SCP-050 was later found in Dr. Caldwell's office.
Entry 60:
On ██/██/████, Dr. Lowman informs Dr. Caldwell of SCP-131's interactions with SCP-173. Dr. Caldwell then starts looking for SCP-131.
Dr. Caldwell befriends SCP-131-A, which starts following him.
Dr. Caldwell breaches containment of SCP-173 via unknown means, and with SCP-131-A watching, packs SCP-173 into its unlocked containment box. SCP-131-A gets bored and starts following Dr. ████
Dr. Caldwell arrives at SCP-914's containment chamber, and while releasing SCP-173 from its box, ends up locking himself in 914's input chamber via unknown means.
SCP-173 attempts to open SCP-914's input chamber, and fails after two attempts. SCP-173 activates SCP-914 on Rough, and waits outside the Output chamber. It is currently unknown as to how SCP-173 understood how to operate SCP-914.
SCP-173 exits SCP-914's containment chamber, and is stopped by Security Officers ████ and ███ and returned to containment.
Dr. Caldwell's mutilated corpse has been sent to the [REDACTED] Soap from Corpses Products factory for processing.
SCP-914's and SCP-173's security teams have been reprimanded.
SCP-050 was found in Dr. Lowman's office later that day.
How did you get Caldwell to trap himself? - Dr. ████
I didn't. I just knew he would mess something up. - Dr. Lowman
Entry 61:
On ██/██/2011, Dr. Lowman entered his office and sat down in his chair. At that point, the chair extended steel restraints from its base, arms, and headrest, locking Dr. Lowman in place. At that point, the chair then rolled away into the corridor at ██ mph, somehow took two flights of stairs downward without toppling over, careened into the cafeteria, and ran Dr. Lowman face-first into the Beef Surprise. ██ personnel eating there expressed relief that the Beef Surprise was now ruined. Dr. Lowman was treated for second-degree burns to the face and upper body, as well as a bitten tongue.
SCP-050 was found in Dr. Cenh's office the next day. She has since been treated for a fractured tailbone.
The thing removed every screw from my chair somehow. It's got a sick sense of humor. Still, worth it. - Dr. Cenh
Entry 62:
On ██/██/2011, the SCP Foundation received both an unintentionally large shipment of beef jerky and a batch of new personnel. Taking advantage of these events, Researcher Gargus gave Dr. Cenh a few strips of jerky as a gift, and proceeded to inform the new staff that SCP-███ had escaped, and was placing Dr. Cenh in danger. In the ensuring chaos of the "rescue mission", all four of Dr. Cenh's limbs were broken under trampling feet, her face smashed in, and at least half the jerky eaten. SCP-050 appeared in Dr Gargus' office the next day.
Entry 63
██/██/2011: Researcher Gargus was found strung up by his ankles with a beef jerky rope in SCP-173's containment chamber. Upon being freed, it was discovered that the phrase "In retrospect, it wasn't that funny or creative" had been carved into his chest in Aramaic. SCP-050 appeared in Dr. Cenh's office the next day. Dr. Cenh has been absolved of all involvement in the attempted assassination, as she was being treated for her injuries incurred in Entry 62.
Entry 64:
██/██/2011: Research assistant Corbette is seen taking a can of gold paint into SCP-445's containment chamber. The following day, Dr. Cenh received a "golden ticket" in her mailbox, stating that due to her dedication and study she had been invited to the "Wondertaiment Toy Factory". The ticket also stated that due to the normal child audience of the "Toy Factory", Dr. Cenh should dress in a manner befitting that of a young girl. The ticket had been folded in such a way as to emulate an envelope. A small RSVP note was included along the inside of the envelope. Following Dr. Cenh humoring herself by writing a seriously toned response, the envelope closed and mailed itself, leading Dr. Cenh to believe that the ticket was legitimate.
Dr. Cenh soon appeared at the Site-██ entrance with a skirt, a tank-top, and a lollipop. Following Dr. Cenh's confusion at the lack of any anomalous manifestation, she returned to her office and worked through the night. The following morning she was found with her office in disarray, claiming "33 men had shown up, and started fighting each other."
A photograph was found in several male personnel's offices of Dr. Cenh at Site-██'s entrance, with the caption "Hey, I know you like this. How about you show up at 7 tomorrow and show me your moves ;)."
That afternoon SCP-050 appeared on Research Assistant Corbette's desk.
Entry 65:
On 31/██/20██, Research Assistant Juvenal purchased one (1) container of ██████ superglue and one (1) packet of █████████ Inferno-strength curry powder. Monitoring staff noted the final purchase as unusual, given that Juvenal had never been observed to eat any curry significantly stronger than korma. No action was taken regarding this as Site 19's monthly curry night was imminent and it was assumed by monitoring staff that Juvenal was attempting to acclimatise to the Site's observed preference for vindaloo.
08/██/20██: Research Assistant Juvenal files experiment request E-914-4643. Request is granted. Test produces [DATA EXPUNGED], designated as Item 914-4643-A and held by Research Assistant Juvenal.
11/██/20██: Research Assistant Juvenal draws 150ml dimethylsulfoxide from Site 19 laboratory stores.
13/██/20██, 11:02:42 : Research Assistant Corbette enters the Site 19 cafeteria and is handed a tray bearing a mug of unidentified liquid by Research Assistant Juvenal. Corbette picks up the body of the mug and cradles it with both hands for a few seconds before beginning to scream (later analysis of CCTV footage would record a peak volume of 83 dB and a mean frequency of 820Hz) and complain of a burning sensation in his hands. Other Foundation staff in the canteen are seen backing away.
11:03:12 : Possible containment breach of SCP-198 notified to Site 19 Control. Containment Protocol 198 put into effect. Security Team 112 and asset D-1701 ordered to SCP-198's designated holding area at Site ██.
11:04:17: Sensors at Site ██ confirm that the object presumed to be SCP-198 has not changed in weight since testing on ██/██/20██. D-1701 and accompanying security arrive at Containment Area 198. D-1701 is given the appropriate keys and ordered to pick up the object believed to be SCP-198.
11:04:59 : Object in Containment Area 198 confirmed to be SCP-198. Containment Protocol 198 discontinued.
Aftermath: The fake SCP-198 was determined to be a standard issue Foundation coffee mug that had been coated with a thin layer of cyanoacrylate, dimethylsulfoxide and Item 914-4643-A. Research Assistant Corbette lost 34% of the skin of both palms in the course of removing the adulterated mug, but is expected to make a full recovery. Research Assistant Juvenal has been reprimanded for both the disruption caused at Sites ██ and 19 and for causing the waste of a D-class asset.
SCP-050 discovered in Research Assistant Juvenal's office approximately three hours after the above incident.
Entry 66:
After following standard procedures for reality warp-proofing documents and memories on this log and himself, Researcher Gargus spiked the food of Dr. Cenh, Research Assistant Corbette, and Research Assistant Juvenal with 1/12 of a ground up sample of SCP-483-1 each at lunchtime on ██/██/2011. As is consistent with the effects of 483-1, all three lost all memories from the point of 1 month prior, and all documents (save this one) altered themselves to match. SCP-050, having displayed signs of sentience in the past, forgot all pranks pulled in the prior month. With no place else to go, it sent itself straight to Researcher Gargus' office, as his prank was the most recent.
Entry 67:
██/██/2011: Research Assistant Corbette is seen taking a can of gold paint into SCP-445's containment chamber. The following day, Researcher Gargus received a "golden ticket" in his mailbox, stating that due to his dedication and study he had been invited to the "Wondertaiment Toy Factory". The ticket also stated that due to the normal child audience of the "Toy Factory", Researcher Gargus should dress in a manner befitting that of a young boy. The ticket had been folded in such a way as to emulate an envelope. A small RSVP note was included along the inside of the envelope. Following Researcher Gargus humoring himself by writing a seriously toned response, the envelope closed and mailed itself, leading Researcher Gargus to believe that the ticket was legitimate.
Researcher Gargus soon appeared at the Site-██ entrance with tight shorts, a tank-top, and a lollipop. Following Researcher Gargus's confusion at the lack of any anomalous manifestation, he returned to his office and worked through the night. The following morning he was found with his office in disarray, claiming "33 men had shown up, and started fighting each other."
A photograph was found in several male personnel's offices of Researcher Gargus at Site-██'s entrance, with the caption "Hey, I know you like this. How about you show up at 7 tomorrow and show me your moves ;)."
That afternoon SCP-050 appeared on Research Assistant Corbette's desk.
Why do I feel like I've done this before? - Research Assistant Corbette
Ok, I understand why it worked with Cenh, but how did that work with Gargus? - Agent ████████
Not everyone needs exposure to SCP-252. Personally, I'm more disturbed by [NAMES REDACTED] being on the casualty lists from both brawls. Make your minds up, people.- Research Assistant Juvenal
Entry 68:
██/██/2011: While on his vacation to Italy, Research Assistant Corbette was knocked unconcious by Researcher Gargus, and taken to the site of SCP-222. Both were seen entering by several locals, with Corbette being dragged along the ground. Roughly 2 hours later, both exited and returned to Research Assistant Corbette's home. Two days later, Researcher Gargus returned to Site ██, and the remainder of Corbette's vacation was carried out.
The following week, Research Assistant Corbette returned to Site ██, and went about his normal duties, despite refusing to speak to anybody. Most personal who observed this oddity later claimed they thought he had merely had a bad vacation, and thought nothing of it.
At 1300 hours, a containment breach of SCP-082 occurred, resulting in the deaths of fourteen Foundation personal, including Assistant Researcher Corbette, who was consumed by 082 for ten minutes before his corpse was pulled away, and 082 containment was reestablished. A short funeral was held, and all of Corbette's pass codes and security access were disabled.
Another week later, Research Assistant Corbette was observed trying to enter Site ██, claiming that he had been stuck to his bed with SCP-170, and had only just escaped alive. Research Assistant Corbette was contained by Foundation personal for six hours, before the lengthy process of reestablishing his Foundation access began.
Meanwhile, SCP-050 appeared in Researcher Gargus' office.
They deleted my Invader Zim! You bastard! - Research Assistant Corbette
Entry 69:
14/3/2011: After Incident-███-09, Researcher Min is assigned to window cleaning duty till the end of the month. Witnesses claim he "seemed a little too happy".
19/3/2011: Site-19 armory found to be missing surplus mild explosives and remote detonators. Due to them being readied for disposal anyway, the case was overlooked.
26/3/2011: Site-19 receives an order for 80 sets of window panes, accompanied with a cryptic note: "Just in case." All personnel deny ordering a complete set of replacement windows.
30/3/2011: Researcher Min finishes cleaning all the windows; claims that he "reinforced the edges a little". Visual confirmation on suspiciously bulky silicon strips holding all windows in place.
1/4/2011:
0943h: Researcher Min spotted entering PA system control room during his coffee break.
0945h: Audio log of Agents B█████ and J██████ in Break Room 3
Agent B█████: Do you hear that?
Agent J██████: Hear what?
Agent B█████: …never mind, I thought I just heard a strain of French music coming from the next room.0956h: Music grows louder.
0959h: Researcher Min seen running quickly to SCP-███'s containment chamber, disrupting controlled testing and resulting in mass temporal deceleration in Site-19.
1000h: Every window in Site-19 explodes to the tune of Edith Piaf's "Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien" in slow-motion.
FULLY AWESOME. -Researcher Min
2/4/2011: SCP-050 found in Researcher Min's cubicle.
Entry 70:
2/4/20██: Dr. Hyrule is seen entering SCP-914's containment room with a can of industrial lubricant. He is seen leaving with what appears to be a shallow tray of clear liquid.
3/4/20██ :
2200h: Dr. Hyrule is seen entering Researcher Min's room with a black top and a silver briefcase. Security cameras inside Min's room reveal him opening the briefcase, revealing SCP-███.
2201h: Dr. Hyrule pricks a needle on his thumb, wipes the blood on the needle, and throws it in the trash. He places the top on Min's desk, next to SCP-███.
0820h: Researcher Min wakes up and notices the apparatus on his desk. He walks over the trash can and appears to laugh before giving the top a spin, only to watch with growing horror when the top does not fall.
0827h: Researcher Min is wrestled into a sick bay and tied down by security staff. Reports from the guards involved indicate he was attempting suicide by 682.
SCP-050 was found in Dr. Hyrule's office the next morning. Dr. Hyrule himself was found furiously translating his copy of Inception back from Aramaic.
I swear, that monkey is almost more trouble than it's worth!-Dr. Hyrule
Entry 71:
During the week of Dr. Hyrule's vacation, Researcher Gargus obtained permission to experiment with SCP-671 for said timeframe. Soon afterwards, Gargus disappeared from Site ██, along with roughly one-tenth of the colony's population. Attempts to contact him for the next week proved unsuccessful.
According to Researcher Gargus' reports filed two weeks later, he set up a base outside Hyrule's vacation home, and gradually unleashed the colony on small parts of the house to observe the results. Beginning with pieces of furniture and pieces of ceiling tile, Gargus slowly increased the amounts of ants released on the house, as well as the amount of time they had to themselves. This naturally had the effect of slowly wearing down of Dr. Hyrule's psyche, as his lack of knowledge about 671 led him to believe that he was losing his mind.
At the end of the week, Researcher Gargus packed up and left the area, taking SCP-671 with him. Two hours later, Dr. Hyrule returned from a trip to the local supermarket, and opened his front door. While no others were around to confirm it, he later claimed that the act of doing so caused the entire structure to collapse, somehow leaving Hyrule unharmed.
The next day, SCP-050 appeared in Researcher Gargus' office.
Entry 72:
Dr. Cenh obtained permission to experiment on SCP-559. Shortly thereafter, she accosted Researcher Gargus outside his office on his birthday, whereupon there was a short but heated discussion, which ended when he slammed his door. She quickly moved a cupcake with SCP-559 on it into the path of the blowing wind, which extinguished the 5 candles and reduced him to the physical age of 5. Inside his office, he found a pair of tight shorts, a tank-top, and a lollipop, matching the ones he wore during Entry 67, but adjusted for his smaller size. He wore them all day, as the alternative was his very ill-fitting clothing.
The next day, SCP-050 appeared in Dr. Cenh's office.
That was worth all the research on his sizes when he was younger. -Dr. Cenh
Entry 73:
On ██/██/2011, Researcher Gargus and Dr. Cenh received permission to perform a joint experiment with SCP-158, with the intent of attempting replacement of the gaseous substances extracted. Through methods unknown at this time, Dr. Cenh found herself in the testing chamber, and Researcher Gargus lost control of SCP-158. By the time Foundation security arrived, Dr. Cenh's body had been torn wide open, and a pink gas had been extracted by the machine. The experiment was delayed, the extracted substance put in storage, and a short funeral was held for Dr. Cenh.
The next week, the jar containing the gas disappeared, and was found in the possession of three Class D Personnel attempting to enter SCP-093, which had vanished hours earlier. Efforts were made by several Agents to stop them, but the object was entered regardless. A containment team retrieved the group, minus the jar containing the gas, within two hours. At this time, SCP-050 appeared in Researcher Gargus' office.
Prior to the execution of the Class D Personnel, one came forward claiming to be Dr. Cenh. Three days of experimentation revealed that during their time in SCP-093, one member had expired, and somehow accepted the gaseous substance into his body. As the party was still under orders of execution, Dr. Cenh was removed once again.
Due to the lack of suitable corpses in the Foundation at this time, Dr. Cenh is currently being circulated through a large body of jellyfish.
Entry 74
Due to what is currently attributed to several months of stressing the boundaries of the universe, Researcher Gargus and SCP-050 were somehow forced out of both his office and reality, reappearing several days later in different locations. Researcher Gargus was found once more dangling by his ankles in SCP-173's containment area, while SCP-050 found its way into the hands of one Mister Samuel Tanguay, also known as Raocow, of Canada. Subsequent attempts to retake SCP-050 by force have resulted in the statue retransferring itself into the possession of Mister Tanguay.
Unrelated reports indicate that Researcher Gargus' office had been swarmed with disembodied cat heads several days prior to the incident. A one-eyed, blue-haired individual has been identified as the perpetrator.
Entry 75
After being transferred back into a human body, Dr. Cenh took over the project to recapture SCP-050 for the Foundation. Using various exploits, Dr. Cehn added Mr. Tanguay's name and address to a number of lists. This led to visits at all hours by Jehovah's Witnesses, Mormons, Occupy Wall Street, and [DATA EXPUNGED].
Within 3 days, SCP-050 was found in Dr. Cenh's office. She has been commended for returning the SCP to Foundation custody.
Entry 76
Two weeks after SCP-050's reacquisition, security footage shows Dr. Whiteface entering Dr. Cenh's office after hours with a manila envelope under his arm and a small saw and wood glue in his hands, and exiting seven minutes later with the same materials. A search of Dr. Cenh's office following her temporary admission to the on-site psych ward uncovered a thin wood-textured recorder set to play the words "He's not wearing pants" at a volume barely within human range set into the wood of Dr. Cenh's desk. SCP-050 found in Dr. Whiteface's office subsequent to Dr. Cenh's psychiatric admission.
Entry 77
On ██/██/2012, Dr.Whiteface was admitted to the site infirmiry for treatment of 2nd degree burns to his hands and face. When asked to explain his condition, he related a story of his computer moniter suddently "exploding" when he attempted to access a folder labeled "Kaboom!" He also said that his computer had recently recieved routine maintinance from somebody in the IT department. Subsequent investigation into the remains of Dr.Whitefaces monitor show evidence of at least 3kg of Liberty Firework brand pyrotechnics, wired to explode if the user attempted to access the hard drive.
Shortly thereafter, SCP-050 was seen to appear in Researcher Rosens office.
Entry 78:
On ██/██/2012, Agent Generic was seen getting approval for experimentation of SCP-762 from Dr. Rights.
On the morning after, Researcher Rosen was found to be inside SCP-762, which was suspiciously laid down on a corridor outside his quarters. After being recovered from the SCP by local personnel, a badly traumatized but otherwise physically unharmed Rosen explained that he was trying to walk out of his quarters, but he had failed to notice a tripwire placed upon the door and fell in the then-open SCP face-first, which was then shut by someone who he did not identify. Researcher Rosen was admitted into the medical ward for PTSD. He is expected to make a full recovery in three weeks.
SCP-050 was found in Agent Generic's office 10 minutes later.
