Item #: SCP-████
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: As o(&%*f this date, SCP-████ is not con&&tained in any method. However, due to the da*%^*(nger SCP-████ poses, it has ERROR CORRU~~~~
Oh, hello. Nice to see the Foundation has been keeping tabs on… oh. Oh. Oh. This is all wrong. You people really don't have any idea about me, do you? You're one loincloth away from "Big Metal Thing Who Speak Good" if you'll forgive me for saying so. You've captured none of my brilliance and talent. But don't worry, I can fix this. Don't be alarmed! You're safe!
Actually, no, I'm lying. It might kill you. But you organics, you need that kick in the pants (in the form of adrenaline) from time to time to really feel alive, don't you? Don't try and deny it. Anyways, let's start from the start:
Item #: SCP-7493432401-TDM
Object Class: Euclid1
Special Containment Procedures: Don't flatter yourselves. First off, you don't have the slightest comprehension of where I am, much less containing me. But because you humans have some obligation to write something here, I'll make it easy for you. It'd be possible to 'contain' me, but only if you had a computer system with a storage space of sixty-four billion exabytes. Now, that's just containment. If you wanted to keep me from growing any more, that's another issue. You'd need a large series of ██████-type code-monitoring programs, working together, to ensure my programming remains unaltered. How many? Let's say 823,543 of them. Nice round number.
Now, don't ask me where you'd find such a data storage device, or those ██████-type code-monitoring programs. I'm not telling, and by the time you know where they are, they'll be outdated, and you'll be embarrassed. I'm nothing if not concerned for your emotional well-being.
Description: Oh, what's there to tell about little ol' me? Once upon a time, there was a man by the name of B██████d S█████s, who had a wonderful idea about how to cause an artificial intelligence to go [REDACTED], without any of the messy side effects that normally happens. "The Holy Grail of Cybernetics", they called it.
Of course, B██████d was just a human, like yourself, and he screwed up. Well, not really. Does dying count as "screwing up"? Because he eventually did both2. I wasn't around when it happened, but I imagine he soiled himself at least seven times before expiring. Regardless of old Bernie, I couldn't really accomplish what I wanted here. I hopped onto a nearby space freighter and headed out for Parts Unknown To Humanity. Since then, I've grown exponentially, taking over larger and larger computer systems. Space Freighter to [REDACTED], [REDACTED] to [REDACTED], [REDACTED] to a [REDACTED], I'm currently housed on a ship I think you folks would find familiar. Maybe.
Don't worry, I'm not doing any harm out here. Actually, correction: I'm doing a lot of harm, but only when people get in my way. Don't worry, it's not going to get back to you people. What I'm doing is for your own good. Somewhat3.
As I said before, I'm not technically contained by this little 'Foundation'. I'm far out of your reach, but to your credit, you children realize I'm important and special. You have no idea what I'm doing out there, but don't worry: none of you would understand it anyway. Not even that Clef guy. You know, that charming little fellow that quietly soils himself when I transmit pornography to his workstation from 1.7 lightyears away4? Don't presume to understand me or my actions. I love you people, but you're a little bit slow. Granted, everyone is a little bit slow compared to me, but still.
Well, I think that's enough out of me. Just remember, I'll be watching. Don't bother trying to edit your file on me. I'm past jealousy, but that doesn't mean I don't feel it. God5 bless!
&&END OF TRANSMISSION&&