Dutch Class
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This has got to be the funniest thing I've drawn. Tornadoes are so fun to draw; they’re easy to draw too. Why is this kid looking over my shoulder?

"Whatcha drawing?" He asks me. Like, "why the fuck do you have to be so annoying?" Is what I wanna ask.

"I dunno," is what I say instead. That usually gets them to shut up. Ho! But not this guy! This man is determined. Whether his goal is to annoy the shit out of me or to write my biography, I can't tell.

"How do you not know what you're drawing? It looks like a tornado hitting a school. Is that what it is?" He asks me; at the top of his lungs, mind you. Great, now the whole fucking class has got their eyes over here. This fucking moron.

"Well, you don't necessarily have to know what you're drawing. I mean, I just kinda put pencil to paper and uh… Yeah," please stop talking to me. Fucking hell, he's about to say something.


Well, it's about goddamn time. Only an hour left to go. The schedule says I got Dutch I next. Whoa, whaddya know, it's right across the hall. How convenient. So I guess we just sit where ever. That's nice. I'll just sit in the back and draw.

"Good afternoon, klas1. Open your books to page 5," is the first thing the teacher says. Doesn’t bother telling us her name; I don’t recognize her from last year, my freshman year. "Alright, klas. How do you say 'good afternoon' in Dutch? Raise your hand." We all raise our hands. Holy shit, I hope she picks me. She picks Erica. Fuck you, Erica.

"Goedemiddag," she answers.

"Very good! I'm so proud of you, Erica! Now, klas. How do you say 'Very good, I'm so proud of you, Erica' in Dutch? Raise your hand." Again, all of us raise our hands. I make sure that I raise my hand above everyone else’s. I stand up on my desk. She has to pick me. "Carl, what'd you get for number two?" she asks Carl, instead of me.

"Heel goed, ik ben zo trots op je, Erica," he replies.

"Wow… so smart. Klas, how do you say the word 'smart' in Dutch?"

"Slim," we say in unison.

"I'm so proud of each and every one of you!" She tells us. "Now, klas. Go to section five of chapter five, please." We do as we are told. "Now, Olivia. Do you speak fluent Dutch?" HO GOD, IT CHOSE ME. I'VE BEEN CHOSEN!

"No, Miss Fives, I do not speak fluent Dutch,” I start. "I'm truly sorry, please-"

"Hush, child. Just say 'yes' and your soul shall be healed," she says.

"Yes," I say in accordance.

"Now, klas. Do you speak fluent Dutch?"

"Yes," everyone says.

"Welnu klas. Als je leest wat hij heeft geschreven op de 55ste pagina van jullie boek zal je leren om de Eucharist te ontvangen. Ik zal je vijf minuten geven om pagina 55 voor jezelf te lezen."2 We do as we are told.

How to Perform Eucharist

Have one broeder3 bite off the Priestess' right pinky. Fill the Chalice with the blood of the Priestess. The Priestess must recite the prayer of Saint Five. The Priestess will then tear the 55th page into the appropriate amount of pieces of paper, one for each broeder receiving Communism Communism Communism COMMUNION. Broeders, please line up to receive the BODY OF CHRIST. Broeders, after receiving THE BODY OF CHRIST, please line up to receive THE BLOOD OF CHRIST.

I know what I have to do. I walk to Miss Fives. She holds out her right hand, pinky up. It's a lot harder than biting into a carrot. You don't have to rip a carrot away from a hand. Erica gets the Chalice and positions it for the collection of HIS BLOOD.

"Ik bidt tot U, Sint Vijf. Geef me Uw zegen. Broeders, ik heb de blessing ontvangen. Ik ben nu VERPLICHT jullie te vragen: Spreken jullie vloeiend Engels? Broeders, jullie antwoord moet
'nee' luiden4." We get in line to receive Communism. When it's my turn, Miss Fives holds up THE BODY OF CHRIST and asks me, "Spreken jullie vloeiend Engels?"5

"Nee", zeg ik.6


Het is de intercom.7

"Attention students and staff. We have been informed that a tornado is on its way. We have 15 minutes to go to the designated storm shelter. Do not leave the building." Absoluut schandalig! How kan iemand het sacrament van Heilig Communisme onderbreken? Wat hij ook gezegd heeft, het kan wachten.8

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