The liquid inside was old. Old even for him
Wording here is a bit repetitive, simple imo.
A better…soul
The lack of spaces on both sides of the ellipsis looks off.
A gentle knock at the door disturbed his dazed revelry into his own depression.
Evocative, but I wouldn't say in a particularly coherent. I'd just stick to something simpler like "dazed descent". If you want to convey wallowing in sadness, maybe "dazed revelry in his own depression."
absent gesture
Absentminded?
agian
*Again
The office was darker than he remembered, only the lights over Director Diaghilev’s desk were on
The flow of the sentence feels off to me. I'd go with "The office was darker than he remembered, with only the lights over Director Diaghilev’s desk turned on".
His voice sounded tired now, resigned to this spiral of depression.
This bit is too "tell" and not enough "show". To avoid the prose being too exposition-y, I'd frame it as the captain picking up Ruslav's mood through some subtler detail.
On the front was simply “Ruslav” in an ornate handwritten script.
The imagery of "ornate" doesn't gel with "simply".
Besides, The Administrator would be like…absurdly old by now…
I get that this is foreshadowing, but there really wouldn't be reason for Foundation employees to think that the Administrator is the same guy who founded the Foundation however long ago.
the Foundation hid it’s best-kept secrets, it’s most secure facilities.
*its
Rex looked at Ruslav for a moment who didn’t make any sign or gesture
Comma after "moment".
a complex series of emotions running through the Elder Alchemist.
I feel like this needs more "tell", in that it'd be nice to get a hint of what exactly these feelings are.
one other door which was also closed.
"one other door, also closed."
“My name, at least the name of the person in front of you is Ruslav Diaghilev. The name of the entity inhabiting this body, however, is not. Neither is the entity within the body of the person called The Administrator.”
I feel like wording of this is too confusing, both for me as a reader and for Rex as a Person Who's Being Spoken To In Person. It really blunts the surprise of the twist.
“My ‘proper’ name, I suppose, is Nimue-Lar.”
i cant believe Ruslav is a trans icon
Besides, we both know that you and she are the only hope we have of opposing him. I’m a soldier, not a scientist.”
Merlin stared hard at the smaller human body in front of him, before nodding gruffly. “I know. I still don’t like it.”
Odd paragraphing here.
Arthur waved a hand, dismissing the working around them
What is this referring to?
A soldier, and two scientists with a sharp bit of metal
I think "A soldier, two scientists, and a sharp bit of metal" would be punchier.
most powerful alchemist to ever exist, and his second in command.”
Same for "most powerful alchemist to ever exist, and his second in command to boot.”
A moment of silence hung only punctuated by the flows of lake water above them and the whirring of instrumentation.
Comma after "hung".
“We’re all going to die horribly, as long as you all acknowledge this.”
I… have trouble connecting this to what was just said? Like, it kinda makes sense on some level, but it's also a minor-but-jarring leap in topic
Overall the tale was fine. The transitions between "Ruslav mourning while pressing matters need to be attended to", "Ruslav and Rex go through Site-01," and "Flashback to Alien Arthurian legend" aren't the smoothest, but they're serviceable, and each section accomplishes what it sets out to do.
