Author, I seriously advise that, if you feel like your draft is messy, you run it through something like Grammarly or at least attempt to fix it. At the very least, I'd heavily suggest wonking out the SPaG problems in IRC, given that's a little more direct than a single forum post.
- Examples of SPaG: Your word choice defines your tone, but things like "sliced the Guardians head off like it was nothing" or even just the screaming being transcribed in the dialogue itself will heavily detract from the gravitas of the situation.
On top of that, however, your dialogue… isn't quite good. I can forgive the dad (though I'll note that it felt like he was just a vehicle for exposition), but most everyone else and especially the two people at the end felt extremely bland. Zooming in a little, I'll admit that those two at the end were, like, indistinguishable in voice.
Dialogue's often overlooked, and that's sad, because you can tell so much about a character by how they say things. The words they use, the words they don't use, the length at which they'll speak; all of this comes together to help make the fictional seem nonfictional.
Here's a little trick I use, courtesy of 
DolphinSlugchugger: based on what you know about the character, decide when and how often they'd drop an f-bomb. The rest will come from there.
One thing I'll compliment you on: you've got a good grasp on when to end a paragraph, especially in terms of comedy. The mental image of that thing's head falling off was injected at just the right moment.
I'll also say that, while I did find the mythology somewhat bland in the end, hearing about it was at least somewhat interesting. Take note: interesting your reader will get you far.
FINAL VERDICT: Downvote without much hesitation.
