SCP Foundation

So first, the containment procedures. There's a few things here that immediately strike me as possibly needing to be considered. First is this:

Due to the one-way nature of SCP-XXXX-1, all D-class must be outfitted with corneal implants which display a highly lethal cognitohazard after a maximum of five hours before entering SCP-XXXX-Prime. This allows for remote termination of stranded D-class.

This seems a bit over-complicated. There's real life poisons that can be given in doses that kill in a very specific amount of time. Using a cognitohazard seems unnecessary. Even then, they could literally implant just a contraption that injects the D-Class with lethal poison after a time.

Just because the Foundation has access to things such as Cognitohazards does not mean they need to be used for situations where something more mundane would suffice.

Meanwhile, the Foundation

Should probably use "Additionally" here. Meanwhile reminds me of the old Batman show. Can even here the transition music haha

Based on current temporal models, however, chances of success are slim.

Why? This feels a tad contrived and could use a little more explaining as to why temporal models show the chances being slim.

On to the description!

Description: SCP-XXXX designates a set of three extradimensional extra-temporal anomalies.

I have mixed feelings about this cross out (and the ones following it.) I'm not heavily against crossouts or redactions like some other authors. However, I believe you could do this differently. Like, instead, put a footnote on "extra-temporal" that says something to the effect of "Previously classified as extradimensional. See Addendum XXXX for more information." Or something like that. Allows for a bit more of a seed of curiosity to be planted into the reader.

taking on a prominent crystalline appearance

I think "Taking on a predominantly crystalline appearance" might sound better here.

SCP-XXXX-1 serves as a gateway to a pocket dimension an alternate timeline

Yeah, I am just not feeling these crossthroughs. They feel like lazy foreshadowing rather than any sort of storytelling. Plus, this is a digital document. Crossouts tend to not make much sense for something that could and should be easily edited with a note being left behind what was edited and why. I think it would be best to turn the majority of these crossouts into more fleshed out footnotes instead.

at least ████ years ago.

Why is this redacted? I have nothing against redactions, but I don't quite understand why this one needs to exist.

There is significant visual distortion of a significant amount of matter inside SCP-XXXX-Prime, namely the same crystalline texture that SCP-XXXX-1 appears as.

This whole sentence feels awkward. Probably should be something more like:

"Within SCP-XXXX-Prime there is significant visual and material distortion that appears as the same crystalline texture as SCP-XXXX-1."

This whole crossed out section, though, rather than crossing it out. Have it in the article as an "Archive" of the previous description instead. Perhaps as a collapsible prior to the update that says "Archive Description of SCP-XXXX." with a disclaimer prior to it that says "The following description may no longer be accurate following communication attempts with SCP-XXXX-Prime. However, it is archived here until further notice."

SCP-XXXX-2 is a metallic capsule, ellipsoidal in shape.

This jump from explaining SCP-XXXX-Prime to Describing SCP-XXXX-2 feels a bit jarring. I think it may be best to put this prior to the explanation of recovered materials from SCP-XXXX-Prime.

probably Level II on the Tegmark scale.

Is this based off Max Tegmark? I suppose there's nothing wrong with that. Not sure I've ever seen it used in any other SCP. Though, I will freely admit I've not read all of them. :P If this is something you invented, I hope you spend a little time explaining what it means. Otherwise it'll just come off as technobabble.

Specifically, Site-82. For whatever reason, it exists over there. Maybe that's what caused whatever kind of apocalypse took place over there, who knows.

Probably could remove the second "over there." I'd also say, these correspondence with Overwatch Command from Ogundimu seem a tad too informal. Just a little bit. He's speaking to Overseers, not his doctor buddies. You may want to tighten up the language just a bit.

Maybe what happened over there is because of the Foundation.

This is a hell of a logical leap for Ogundimu. In the correspondence, I've not seen much evidence of why he would come to believe this so quickly. Purely the opening to the parallel timeline being within the same Foundation Site doesn't really seem like enough to me.

With all due respect, Dr. Ogundimu

I don't think Overwatch would bother with giving all due respect to the doctor. No matter how much they may like him. Probably best to just leave that part out.

That's not the whole story, though.

This ties in to what I said about the tone of these. This just feels very casual and not enough like an official report to the Overseers. I'd say you need to do one of two things here:

• Either tighten up the language, make it less casual and more of an official report in tone OR:
• Made these reports to someone less high up in the Foundation. Like to a colleague of Ogundimu. And then just leave the requests for D-Class to the Overseers. I think it would be okay to allow for Correspondence to more than just the Overseers and have it still make sense.

I'd list out each instance of this tone not working but it seems like it goes until the end of the correspondence. So just extrapolate whichever choice you make into the rest.

On to the rest!

Half of the major wars in your world's history never occurred in virtually all other timelines. Millions of children starve around the world, their bellies round with edema. Churches, festivals, even schools have become places of danger, even in developed countries. The amount of hatred and distrust we have seen of your people is unprecedented.

While I understand the point of this, the whole thing feels a bit… preachy? Like, yes, as a human I agree this is the case. But this feels more like it was written by someone in our world writing about what is wrong with our world. Not of someone from an entirely different dimension with hugely different experiences writing about our world. I hope that makes sense.

Just try to consider more what their world is like and how their specific experiences would flavor the words they put into describing our's. Make it seem a bit stranger. Like include something that is different in our world that we see as a good thing that they are listing as a bad thing, perhaps.

From what we know, you are living in the worst possible timeline.

I'm sorry, but I can only think of Community when I read this and not really in a good way. The tone just feels commedic. I think you could just remove this line, truthfully.

Okay now, the statement from 05-1. This is some pretty great writing. I do think that, at the start of their statement, you should outline more clearly why they are about to go in to such a personal story. There is a lot here and after the 5th paragraph or so, I begin really wondering why I am reading all of this and what is the point? And not in a way that compels me to keep reading.

It's excellent prose, but I believe you could be a little more upfront as to the reason why 05-1 is writing this and why the reader would want to read it themselves.

It is not our duty, both as Foundation members and human beings, to concern ourselves with why the world is the way it is.

Truthfully, while I get the 05-1's point here, I disagree. Especially since this other "dimension" has outlined so clearly why our timeline is such an outlier. If there is something anomalous causing human suffering, I cannot imagine that the Foundation wouldn't at least want to find out what it might be.

Alright! So, overall thoughts:

I did enjoy this. I read it all from beginning to end. However, there were some parts that struck me as rougher than others, which I outlined above.

I honestly think… the ending is the part that I least enjoy. While the prose is excellent and I get the philosophical point that the 05-1 is trying to make, I do not believe, in this case, it is a conclusion that makes sense for the Foundation to take. At least not with the information I was given throughout the article.

On top of that, the 05-1's statement just felt like it took quite some time to get to the point.

SO here is what I would suggest:

I believe the ending would be helped quite a bit from the 05-1's statement being shortened just a tad. I also believe you should give an "Opposition Statement" as well as maybe an "Abstain Statement" that gives some insight into while those groups of 05s chose their votes. This would give more philosophical interest to the entire thing and give the reader more to think about once they finish.

I also believe you really need to give more concrete reasons as to why the Foundation wouldn't even attempt to act upon the advice given by this alternate timeline. And not in just a "we need to contain it" sort of way but a "why wouldn't they even attempt to investigate it?"

There's another lingering question I have that I don't know if you need to explain it or not. However, I do not quite understand why this alternate timeline looks crystaline to us. And what exactly happens to the D-class once they enter SCP-XXXX. Perhaps I missed it in there but… I found that part quite fascinating and I felt as if the article quickly veered off from that part, leaving me still quite confused. Perhaps that is just me missing some details, but I'd still like to hear more on that matter and perhaps have it tie in more intimately to the final point of the article.

Note: I correct the given mistake only once. If you do not use the metric system, I will only make a single comment about it, even if it appears again in the rest of the article. If the draft has many language problems, I will only correct the most glaring ones. Unnecessary information will show as the copied text with the redundant information stricken through.

Due to the one-way nature of SCP-XXXX-1,

This could be better. Inescapable? Irreversible?

This allows for remote termination of D-class stranded in SCP-XXXX-Prime.

You can lose this sentence, the footnote already explained it.

Timeline 18.Ephraim-4935A

This naming is a tad confusing. So the ''prime'' timeline is the alternate timeline? If yes, what timeline is Timeline 18.Ephraim-4935A?

We aren't looking at them.

They're looking at us.

Ah, this makes more sense now. Thought something like that would happen. Good job! Enough foreshadowing without rubbing it in my face.

This is very solid already. The horror here is more subjective than normal, but existential horror is something I respond to well, so well done on that part. The idea that we live in the worst timeline is also a nice detail.

Tone has improved as well. There's barely anything to comment on in the line-by-line.

Overall, solid work!

If it's not explained or otherwise justified, I would cut it (or just put it in your author post on the discussion page).

YMMV, though!

Euclid[[footnote]]SCP-3614 is currently being considered for provisional reclassification to Thaumiel following the discovery of SCP-3614-2 and the information contained within.[[/footnote]]

This is a lot of information you're frontloading us with — and we haven't even gotten to the containment procedures yet. Ask yourself: Is it important that the reader know, upfront, that this is being considered for Thaumiel? If not, consider cutting the footnote.

Containment teams have established a 4 km perimeter around SCP-3614-1, and civilian traffic is to be rerouted under the guise of a cover story alleging military operations in the area.

Minor gripe: As far as coordinate conjunctions go, "and" is among the weakest. It establishes a very wishy-washy relationship between independent clauses (treating them as just elements in a list). In this case, I think this would be stronger if you replaced "and" with just a semicolon:

Containment teams have established a 4 km perimeter around SCP-3614-1; civilian traffic is to be rerouted under the guise of a cover story alleging military operations in the area.

This strongly establishes that the relationship here is causal: A perimeter is established, so that civilian traffic can be rerouted around it.

The Overseer Council is currently conducting an investigation to determine the credibility of Document 3614-C, which was recovered from SCP-3614-2.

I'd cut 'currently'. If they're conducting an investigation, it goes without saying that it's 'currently' being conducted.

In addition, the Foundation is currently attempting communication with SCP-3614-Prime to gain more information regarding potential anomalous influences on consensus reality.

You can dump this currently… or you can keep it (it works better if you dump the other currently, allowing you to avoid the awkward repetition).

However, current temporal models, namely the Ogundimu-Zhang hypothesis of determinative sets, estimate an extremely high number of possible timelines (> 10100.)

oh my god stop saying current

(I'm kidding, this is fine).

Therefore, chances of contact are slim.

I feel like this phrase comes off as a little too informal on its own. It might feel stronger if you get a little specific:

Therefore, chances of contact are estimated to be approximately 1 out of 6.5 ✕ 10⁸¹.

You might want to avoid the repetition of 'estimate' though (you used it in the previous sentence).

SCP-3614-1 has been reported by personnel to almost constantly emit a high-pitched noise akin to that of wind blowing.

'Constantly' is a binary value; something is or is not constant. It's also an adverb, being modified by an adverb ('almost'). Did you know that in some countries, modifying an adverb with another adverb to make it mean the opposite of what it means is punishable by death?

(more seriously: You can just cut 'almost constantly' here, and it doesn't really change the meaning of the sentence at all! Alternatively, use 'intermittently', which means the same as 'almost constantly')

All matter that enters SCP-3614-1 will be immediately transported to a determinative set (also known as an alternate timeline) designated SCP-3614-Prime.

'immediately' is a word you should definitely cut here. Also, 'alternative timeline' immediately brings to mind wildly speculative fiction like Back to the Future or The Time Machine: Consider 'adjacent timeline' for a stranger, more "verisimilitude-ish" vibe.

I'm going to stop here with the line-by-line and move on to a holistic prognosis. Before I do, a few points:

• Do CTRL-F and type in "ly". Look at every occurrence that's an adverb (currently, eventually, immediately, etc). Figure out if you actually need the adverb for the reader to understand what you're saying. If you don't? Cut it.
• I'm stopping the line-by-line not because there's too many problems to correct, but because there are too few: The stuff I'm pointing out here is minor. By the time I finished the containment procedure, I was already convinced that you have a strong, solid mastery of English prose. So, outside the poem (which I think you should probably cut), all the changes I've suggested thus far are relatively trivial.
• Except for the adverbs. Cut some of those adverbs.

Moving on!

The core 'twist' of the idea (that our universe is horrible; that the universes we're looking at are not — that we need to be isolated and everyone is staying the hell away from us) is pretty solid. I like the final revelation at the end; I think it's a good pitch. I initially thought you were going for some sort of SCP-2935 thing here, and I was pleasantly surprised to discover you weren't.

However, I think you 1) Take a little too long to get there, 2) Have a murky execution that could give a much stronger final punch. Let me emphasize: The writing itself is fine; it's just some of your decisions in regards to what information to provide the reader with (and when) that makes things feel a bit unfocused.

Here's what I liked:

• The table (where you foreshadow how this universe is better than ours) was a solid touch. Maybe throw in a red herring or two that doesn't make it so clear that you're establishing that our universe is worse. Either that, or add an entry that implies it's worse, without actually elaborating on how it makes things worse (every one of your entries so far ends with you explaining how this change resulted in heightened violence and/or death).
• The emails do a good job of setting this up as a monster in pursuit (which is later inverted by us discovering that the "monsters" are really just running the fuck away). They're also well-written — the mid-point stinger ("they're looking at us") is a great one.

Here's some structural points I think you could improve on:

• The emails could use some tightening, possibly some cutting. Mentioning BLACK CREVASSE and explaining it to the reader (even in part) so early on strikes me as a misstep; I think you'll get more out of just making a few offhand references meant to intrigue (have the emailers behave as if they both already know what it is, and it doesn't need to be explained). Make it a little more mysterious; just let us know it has to do with time-travel.
• You might get more out of shifting the mention of time-travel further down in the piece. You let us know this is about time travel right from the start; if you delay that revelation, you can slip it in a little more quietly later, after the reader's already invested (speculative things like time-travel can otherwise disrupt some readers' suspension of disbelief).
• I'm not sure what narrative purpose the Ogundimu-Zhang Hypothesis addendum serves here. I'm suspicious as to whether or not you need it (or whether or not you could use it to solve some other narrative problem, or get some important information across).
• I think you need a piece here that helps establish how/why this other timeline is "hiding" from us. Or did they simply flee, leaving their world behind for us to find? I wasn't sure. I got that this was part of LIGHT EMPATH, but I never understand what LIGHT EMPATH is (I do like the contradiction of BLACK CREVASSE vs LIGHT EMPATH, though).
• There's an opportunity here (possibly?) to explore the notion of the Great Filter, just in terms of adjacent timelines ("why is every adjacent timeline we find dead? IS THERE A MONSTER OUT THERE?" — then it turns out, no, they're all 'dead' because everyone is running the fuck away from us, because we're the monsters).
• Maybe imply that the reason BLACK CREVASSE failed is because the other timelines blocked us, somehow? Or maybe you're already implying that? Maybe we thought BLACK CREVASSE was our project, but it turns out to be theirs — a way of containing us to our doomed timeline, far the fuck away from them?
• I like the final addendum/letter, but it almost lost me when it said "we're scared of you". There's something too… childish? Maudlin? About that. I think the final letter could use some tonal changes. I'm not sure what.

One last note: An idea you might consider is that, rather than having their letter to us being hopeful and bright, you can make it regrettably cruel. Maybe LIGHT EMPATH is a beacon from other timelines intended to draw people from it into a utopian timeline. Maybe they're blocking us from seeing the beacon, or traveling to these worlds — because we'll bring our monsters with us.

Maybe the final note is them telling us that while they've ascended, we've been left to die, consumed in this pit of monsters we live in — and they're sorry that all they can do is tell us they're sorry.

A lot of what I'm saying is wishy-washy, I know — sorry about that. I like this article, but I feel like it's not nearly as lean, focused, and tight as it could be. Keep in mind: Even in its current form, this would be a (very, very tentative) upvote. The concept is solid, and I really quite like the prose; the primary weakness (for me) is that the execution right now feels murky.