So first, the containment procedures. There's a few things here that immediately strike me as possibly needing to be considered. First is this:
Due to the one-way nature of SCP-XXXX-1, all D-class must be outfitted with corneal implants which display a highly lethal cognitohazard after a maximum of five hours before entering SCP-XXXX-Prime. This allows for remote termination of stranded D-class.
This seems a bit over-complicated. There's real life poisons that can be given in doses that kill in a very specific amount of time. Using a cognitohazard seems unnecessary. Even then, they could literally implant just a contraption that injects the D-Class with lethal poison after a time.
Just because the Foundation has access to things such as Cognitohazards does not mean they need to be used for situations where something more mundane would suffice.
Meanwhile, the Foundation
Should probably use "Additionally" here. Meanwhile reminds me of the old Batman show. Can even here the transition music haha
Based on current temporal models, however, chances of success are slim.
Why? This feels a tad contrived and could use a little more explaining as to why temporal models show the chances being slim.
On to the description!
Description: SCP-XXXX designates a set of three extradimensional extra-temporal anomalies.
I have mixed feelings about this cross out (and the ones following it.) I'm not heavily against crossouts or redactions like some other authors. However, I believe you could do this differently. Like, instead, put a footnote on "extra-temporal" that says something to the effect of "Previously classified as extradimensional. See Addendum XXXX for more information." Or something like that. Allows for a bit more of a seed of curiosity to be planted into the reader.
taking on a prominent crystalline appearance
I think "Taking on a predominantly crystalline appearance" might sound better here.
SCP-XXXX-1 serves as a gateway to a pocket dimension an alternate timeline
Yeah, I am just not feeling these crossthroughs. They feel like lazy foreshadowing rather than any sort of storytelling. Plus, this is a digital document. Crossouts tend to not make much sense for something that could and should be easily edited with a note being left behind what was edited and why. I think it would be best to turn the majority of these crossouts into more fleshed out footnotes instead.
at least ████ years ago.
Why is this redacted? I have nothing against redactions, but I don't quite understand why this one needs to exist.
There is significant visual distortion of a significant amount of matter inside SCP-XXXX-Prime, namely the same crystalline texture that SCP-XXXX-1 appears as.
This whole sentence feels awkward. Probably should be something more like:
"Within SCP-XXXX-Prime there is significant visual and material distortion that appears as the same crystalline texture as SCP-XXXX-1."
This whole crossed out section, though, rather than crossing it out. Have it in the article as an "Archive" of the previous description instead. Perhaps as a collapsible prior to the update that says "Archive Description of SCP-XXXX." with a disclaimer prior to it that says "The following description may no longer be accurate following communication attempts with SCP-XXXX-Prime. However, it is archived here until further notice."
SCP-XXXX-2 is a metallic capsule, ellipsoidal in shape.
This jump from explaining SCP-XXXX-Prime to Describing SCP-XXXX-2 feels a bit jarring. I think it may be best to put this prior to the explanation of recovered materials from SCP-XXXX-Prime.
probably Level II on the Tegmark scale.
Is this based off Max Tegmark? I suppose there's nothing wrong with that. Not sure I've ever seen it used in any other SCP. Though, I will freely admit I've not read all of them. :P If this is something you invented, I hope you spend a little time explaining what it means. Otherwise it'll just come off as technobabble.
Specifically, Site-82. For whatever reason, it exists over there. Maybe that's what caused whatever kind of apocalypse took place over there, who knows.
Probably could remove the second "over there." I'd also say, these correspondence with Overwatch Command from Ogundimu seem a tad too informal. Just a little bit. He's speaking to Overseers, not his doctor buddies. You may want to tighten up the language just a bit.
Maybe what happened over there is because of the Foundation.
This is a hell of a logical leap for Ogundimu. In the correspondence, I've not seen much evidence of why he would come to believe this so quickly. Purely the opening to the parallel timeline being within the same Foundation Site doesn't really seem like enough to me.
With all due respect, Dr. Ogundimu
I don't think Overwatch would bother with giving all due respect to the doctor. No matter how much they may like him. Probably best to just leave that part out.
That's not the whole story, though.
This ties in to what I said about the tone of these. This just feels very casual and not enough like an official report to the Overseers. I'd say you need to do one of two things here:
- Either tighten up the language, make it less casual and more of an official report in tone OR:
- Made these reports to someone less high up in the Foundation. Like to a colleague of Ogundimu. And then just leave the requests for D-Class to the Overseers. I think it would be okay to allow for Correspondence to more than just the Overseers and have it still make sense.
I'd list out each instance of this tone not working but it seems like it goes until the end of the correspondence. So just extrapolate whichever choice you make into the rest.
On to the rest!
Half of the major wars in your world's history never occurred in virtually all other timelines. Millions of children starve around the world, their bellies round with edema. Churches, festivals, even schools have become places of danger, even in developed countries. The amount of hatred and distrust we have seen of your people is unprecedented.
While I understand the point of this, the whole thing feels a bit… preachy? Like, yes, as a human I agree this is the case. But this feels more like it was written by someone in our world writing about what is wrong with our world. Not of someone from an entirely different dimension with hugely different experiences writing about our world. I hope that makes sense.
Just try to consider more what their world is like and how their specific experiences would flavor the words they put into describing our's. Make it seem a bit stranger. Like include something that is different in our world that we see as a good thing that they are listing as a bad thing, perhaps.
From what we know, you are living in the worst possible timeline.
I'm sorry, but I can only think of Community when I read this and not really in a good way. The tone just feels commedic. I think you could just remove this line, truthfully.
Okay now, the statement from 05-1. This is some pretty great writing. I do think that, at the start of their statement, you should outline more clearly why they are about to go in to such a personal story. There is a lot here and after the 5th paragraph or so, I begin really wondering why I am reading all of this and what is the point? And not in a way that compels me to keep reading.
It's excellent prose, but I believe you could be a little more upfront as to the reason why 05-1 is writing this and why the reader would want to read it themselves.
It is not our duty, both as Foundation members and human beings, to concern ourselves with why the world is the way it is.
Truthfully, while I get the 05-1's point here, I disagree. Especially since this other "dimension" has outlined so clearly why our timeline is such an outlier. If there is something anomalous causing human suffering, I cannot imagine that the Foundation wouldn't at least want to find out what it might be.
Alright! So, overall thoughts:
I did enjoy this. I read it all from beginning to end. However, there were some parts that struck me as rougher than others, which I outlined above.
I honestly think… the ending is the part that I least enjoy. While the prose is excellent and I get the philosophical point that the 05-1 is trying to make, I do not believe, in this case, it is a conclusion that makes sense for the Foundation to take. At least not with the information I was given throughout the article.
On top of that, the 05-1's statement just felt like it took quite some time to get to the point.
SO here is what I would suggest:
I believe the ending would be helped quite a bit from the 05-1's statement being shortened just a tad. I also believe you should give an "Opposition Statement" as well as maybe an "Abstain Statement" that gives some insight into while those groups of 05s chose their votes. This would give more philosophical interest to the entire thing and give the reader more to think about once they finish.
I also believe you really need to give more concrete reasons as to why the Foundation wouldn't even attempt to act upon the advice given by this alternate timeline. And not in just a "we need to contain it" sort of way but a "why wouldn't they even attempt to investigate it?"
There's another lingering question I have that I don't know if you need to explain it or not. However, I do not quite understand why this alternate timeline looks crystaline to us. And what exactly happens to the D-class once they enter SCP-XXXX. Perhaps I missed it in there but… I found that part quite fascinating and I felt as if the article quickly veered off from that part, leaving me still quite confused. Perhaps that is just me missing some details, but I'd still like to hear more on that matter and perhaps have it tie in more intimately to the final point of the article.