[http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/ulenspiegei] I'd love some feedback.
Hey, thanks for posting your article! I was intrigued by the concept, and it held my attention through the article.
Here are some thoughts:
There are several instances of ambiguous writing in this article, which would get the scientist writing it in trouble.
Examples:
SCP??-XXXX-1 may also be used temporarily under beneficial circumstances or with permission from a researcher with level 4 clearance to exterminate or contain colonies that pose a threat to civilians.
What are 'beneficial circumstances'? The overall structure of this sentence is also confusing. Does it mean that you can use SCP-XXXX-1 to eliminate SCP-XXXX-1? You make that clear later in the article, but right now it's confusing.
SCPXXXX-1, when it is not being used, is to be bred in a 4m, cubic steel cell, filled with 200 litres of soil, and supplied bi-weekly with 70kg of human organic matter.
Is the cell 4m by 4m by 4m, or 4 cubic meters? Because 4 cubic meters can hold 4000 liters, and a 4m by 4m by 4m cell can hold 64000 liters, so your 200 liters of soil won't be very much.
with 3 fingers and toes.
On each hand/foot?
When a colony of SCPXXXX comes into contact with organic matter of human origin, all SCPXXXX instances will proceed to cut up parts of it into pieces of about 2,6 cm.
Does 'organic matter of human origin' include blood, feces, or urine? What about bones?
it will also target live humans in large quantities,
Large quantities of humans, or of SCP-XXXX?
This is looked down upon by a select group of researchers who believe that the potential risks of this project are higher than its efficiency.
This would *really* get the writer of this article in trouble. Badmouthing a 'select group of researchers' is probably the fastest way to get in trouble at an academic institution. I've tried it in real life and it really sucks!
Similarly, the speculation that "China seems to be the most likely place of origin" is presented without any justification whatsoever.
The large paragraphs just kind of run on and are hard to read. Shorter, more varied paragraphs would be better, especially if each paragraph led naturally to the next. Look at SCP-4999. It has beautiful paragraph structure, some with only one sentence, others much larger, many paragraphs picking up where the last one left off.
The tools being bone or wood makes it sound primitive, but creating gas canisters is extremely advanced. That implies that they have ways of creating solid, leak-proof containers and getting gas in them without any spilling out on them in the mean time. That requires more than bone spears and wood axles and pulleys.
Also, I was interested in finding out more about these guys, but it seems like they're just little, aggressive people. That's interesting, but I feel like they could use one more interesting facet. What's something else they do besides reproduce through harvesting flesh and fighting?
The very specific way of recapturing doesn't really speak to me. You have extremely specific things here that don't 'pay off' later. Are they sensitive to noise? Does the chloroform kill them or incapacitate them? Why not other kinds of gas? Why not other levels of sound? Why mercaptan gas?
Unless it's extremely important to use those exact steps in that exact order with those exact ingredients, it would be better to be more general in what can be done. You don't want these guys breaking out because the agents didn't bring chloroform and have no idea what to do now that one step in the very specific sequence is broken. Maybe something like "Chemical weapons such as tear gas and chloroform have proven effective in controlling nests of SCP-XXXX, as have loud noises (110 db or higher recommended). Something like that.
Overall, I feel like this article is 35% ready for the main list. The most important issue is cleaning up writing style as indicated in my first collapsible. Good luck!
Thank you very much, this feedback was incredibly helpful, I'll try to improve the article and maybe message you back when I think I'm done.
I believe almost everything on the checklist has been (hopefully) improved, though may I ask if it would be a good idea to rename SCPXXXX-1 to SCPXXXX-THAUMIEL?
Anyway, please tell me what you think.
I hath been summoned from the almighty VOID!
Crit Inbound. ETA: <24 hours.
Alright author, let's see what you've got for me.
Overall, the concept of collective ant people are pretty damn cool, and I can dig it. Mostly, your execution, clinical tone, and sheer length are what holds this back.
- Your description is long. It needs a major trim. I honestly wanted to start skimming through it, but remembered I was supposed to be reviewing the draft and stopped myself.
- You need to title your addenda. Just putting Addendum: doesn't tell us anything.
- Some of the stuff in the journal comes off as hokey, like a person wouldn't talk like that. I suggest reading those parts out loud to see how they flow.
- 2 or 3 of those journal entries can be cut or combined with each other without losing much. Trim out the fluff.
- Your interviewing doctor comes off as both weak and boring. He gets straight up bullied by the -2 instance. He lets a 3 cm tall man walk all over him.
- In addition, the -2 instance is super exposition. Why would it share this information with a perceived enemy? Especially if it is a hive consciousness that cares little for individual lives?
Mobile Task Force Upsilon-7 (The Glass Jar)
Should be ("The Glass Jar").
2m by 2m by 2m
Standard format is a space between the vector and the unit (2 m). Also, cuboidal containment cells are kind of a running joke at this point, so I would avoid this and just say "standard containment cell" or some variation thereof.
[…] steel cell filled with 200 litres of soil for reproductive purposes and supplied bi-weekly with 70kg of human organic matter.
Couple things here. First, either spell out the units (litres) or abbreviate them (L), and keep it consistent throughout the entire document. Second, you have too many clauses in this sentence, making it run on. Make the human matter stuff a new sentence. Lastly, bi-weekly is ambiguous and unclear. Does it mean every 2 weeks, or twice every week? This information is vital to containment, so you need to make this crystal clear.
incapacitated with chloroform
Chloroform is actually a very bad anesthetic since it has a pretty good chance of straight up killing you if you inhale too much (and this threshold is unacceptably close to the dosage that would knock you out). Modern anesthesiologists use isoflurane, desflurane, and sevoflurane, but have used halothane in the past as well. Halothane is notably used to contain SCP-1504, Joe Schmoe.
with DNA identical to humans
This is just false. If their DNA was identical to ours, they'd be us. I suggest making this an incredibly large percentage instead of identical. For reference, we share 99% of our DNA with Chimpanzees.
SCP-XXXX is a humanoid […]
Should be plural, since they've got colonies. "SCP-XXXX instances are humanoid […]"
South-Asia
This includes countries like India. If you want to exclude India, the proper geographical term would be "Southeast Asia".
Colonies of SCP-XXXX are found on battlefields, […]
"Colonies of SCP-XXXX have been found on […]"
[…] (usually 1200 instances) it will also target live humans.
Cut out "also". You do this a few times. No need for such transitions in scientific writing.
For this reason, the Foundation has found it necessary to contain or exterminate all colonies of this size.
No reason to refer to the Foundation as such in an internal document. Science is always written in third person active voice. That means no self references.
I think you get the point from here. Your article is rather long, so I think I'll cut off my line by line here. Basic story is that you need some major clinical tone help. This essay may help with that. Same goes for this one.
Overall, I'm gonna concur with MathBrush. This is not mainlist ready, and you need some serious revisions to make it so. Keep at it, and definitely pop into some PMs, as well as #thecritters IRC channel for help.