The biggest Secret
http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/forget-by-magicalcurtain
I really don't sure about G-1s logs I am not a professional in documenting realistically.
The biggest Secret
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» Writing Help / Help: Drafts and Critiques
» The biggest Secret
Summary:
An SCP only one could be aware of.
There's a lot of garbled phrasing here. I see that you're from Hungary, and English might not be your first language, so I'm going to go through here and read it as I think you attempted to communicate. Once your draft is more developed you might want to go through and fix that, but right now it's probably more important to get conceptual feedback since this is trying to go for something big and it's likely things will be changing as you continue working on it.
I found the containment procedures to be intriguing and I liked your presentation with the images. The idea of the object which only effects those who know about it is an interesting one, SCP-055 has explored that along with others, like The Key but the concept definitely hasn't been done to death. In particular, you might want to take notes from SCP-370 because it feels closer to what you're going for here.
I think the somewhat garbled speech actually works for the logs. These are supposed to be people with forbidden knowledge, if I'm reading it correctly, and having them sound somewhat off works in that context. In particular, the line "I made a short circuit whit the tv I cut and replugged some cables and it worked. I am feeling smart now." was cute and instantly made me care about this character, because I find them to be likable.
The logs do progress a little quickly, and I think a little more time spent having him realize he's the Guardian would help. Having it jump right in at the second log feels a little rushed. Maybe have the television segment and one or two others like that earlier, to establish some characterization and give him some agency while he's being held here, before he realizes something more sinister is going on.
The "Let me free!" SCP documentation works for me in the same way that the television thing did. It makes you empathize with the character while also showing some of his character.
Once he dies, however, I feel like the SCP starts to fall short. The revelations on the SCP being an 05 and the username-in-the-text stuff doesn't have nearly the same effect as the earlier logs.
I think the best thing you could do for this SCP is to strip down the presentation aspects, and focus on the log lines. Hell, you could even keep those, and have this be about an 05 who had a nervous breakdown and needs to be kept in a confined space thinking he's a researcher who's being experimented on while they figure out how to treat him. The imprisoned Guardian is definitely the strongest part of the article and building on that, I think, could help you find success.
Whether you like it or not, history is on our side. We will bury you!
EDIT: Ninja'd by Roget
Responding to a PM.
Let's see what we've got here.
Foreword: You really should have as few sandbox pages as possible, as this prevents sandbox bloat. There is code for tabview on the home page of the sandbox that you should use to separate different drafts, but they should be in the same place.
Execution:
You have all of this redaction (or really just a lack of information) and a major format screw, but no actual substance. I can't glean a story from what little information you've given me, and so it almost feels like as a reader, my time was wasted by going through all of the collapsibles and stuff. Lots of hoops to jump through for not much substance.
The sheer amount of negative space is also pretty frustrating. There was so much of it that I actually went into the page source just to make sure there wasn't white text I was missing or something, but nope, it was all just blank.
Concept:
What you've got here is interesting, but I'm not sure what it is. What I'm gleaning is that something happened to O5-5 and he started the Chaos Insurgency. And something about infohazards.
Given the name of this thread is called "The Biggest Secret", I assume that this is the I&B thread for this idea? If not, can you link me to the correct one? Your draft does not reflect your vision (whatever that may be), and I would like to see what you're trying to do. If you don't have an I&B thread, then I suggest you make one ASAP and PM me the link, because this needs some serious idea workshopping for proper execution.
As a parting note, you should know that a similar subject was handled by djkaktus in Part IV of his SCP-001 Proposal with TwistedGears, which explains the origins of the Chaos Insurgency, as well as the nature of the O5 council and the Foundation itself. Honestly, it's one of the best pieces of literature I've read on the site, so trying to do what it does, only worse, is not a good idea.
Rather than do a usual line-by-line, I'm going to point out common and general things that you do in your writing that need improvement
ANY NON-AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ACCESSING THIS FILE WILL BE IMMEDIATELY TERMINATED TROUGH PI-DELTA (π-∆) MEMETIC KILL AGENT. SCROLLING DOWN WILL RESULT IN A PROMOTION TO A CLASS-G PERSONNEL.
This reads incredibly jumbled, almost like it was translated with google. It's okay if your english skills are not perfect, but you will have a very hard time getting a piece to stick on the mainsite with egregious SPAG errors like this draft has, and the very first warning is a great example of this. I would have downvoted as soon as I read this due to the syntax.
Addenda: Let me free!
People don't write or talk like this. Most people default to something like despair or sarcastic humor when faced with the upending of their life.
LONG LIVE [REDACTED]
Unnecessary redactions are a pet peeve of mine. I believe that a good redaction would have an acceptable in and out of universe justification. This doesn't, in my opinion.
SCP-XXXX is only capable to control who knows about his existence so O5-1 created π-∆ to contain it. To prevent threat both O5-1 and O5-5 subjected themselves to class C amnestics.
Not very clinical, and also an exposition dump. Very ham-fisted delivery, and it doesn't even really explain what happened with O5-5. Leaves the reader with more questions than it answers.
Me: The Engine
The founder of the Chaos Insurgency is The Engineer, not The Engine.
This needs some serious idea workshopping to be able to work on the mainlist, and I do not think it works in its current state.
/forum/t-10222104/the-biggest-secret#post-
page revision: 3, last edited: 22 Sep 2018 03:57
