Not sure how to post my draft
I created an SCP called SCP-0413 and my friends said it was good, so I made a sandbox. But I don't know what else to do, as the instructions for uploading are somewhat confusing. Help please!
Not sure how to post my draft
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» Not sure how to post my draft
Summary:
I have a draft of my first SCP here http://scpsandbox2.wikidot.com/willow-anima but I'm not sure if I just leave it there or do something else....
Alright, here we go, review. Just so you know, this is not up to current site standards, and will do very poorly if you posted it to the mainsite as it is now. So you know, I'm going to be blunt here.
Item #: SCP-0413
As I mentioned earlier, SCP-413 has already been taken. 0413 is an invalid numerical designation. If you're unsure about what number to use, you can input "SCP-####" as a placeholder in your draft until you post to the mainsite. To check which numbers are still available, look for articles that have [ACCESS DENIED] as their name in the Series 3 list.
Object Class: Safe
Please review the "Writing Guide" tab of the Object Classes guide. This thing is not "Safe" because it can move of its own volition.
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-0413 is allowed to follow one Class D subject around
facility
Random line break, plus you're missing an article in between "around" and "facility".
if it seems to be expressing boredom/has calmed down from [DATA EXPUNGED].
Sloppy expungment. The Foundation doesn't care if the thing is bored. This is a prison, not a hotel.
Must be kept in large kennel at all times otherwise.
Sentence fragment. This should sound like a professional scientific document.
Personnel are allowed into said kennel for testing or if they have no duties to attend to/are on break.
The site's standards have changed, and it's no longer considered the norm for site personnel to be allowed to visit things whenever they want. Take this out.
Entity is to be kept as calm as possible, and if beginning to show signs of anger/[DATA EXPUNGED], then will be calmed down as much as possible and put into kennel ASAP.
What if it's already in the kennel? Also, don't expunge or redact anything in the containment procedures; these are the crucial things that people must know to keep the thing contained. How can they do that if information is missing?
Also, more boring expungment. There's only so much work you can expect the reader to do. Also, "MUST KEEP CALM" is something that's been used so many times that it's cliche on its own. Try a different approach.
Description: SCP-0413 has the appearance of a dog,
So it's not really a dog?
excepting it's long,
It's/its mixup.
thin tail (that appears to be simply bone with a thin membrane stretched over it and a black fin at the tip) and its large wings.
So… it's not a dog. It might have a canine-like main body, but this is not a dog given the rather obvious deviations in physiology.
It has been proven to understand human speech,
How does one prove this? Why not just state that it understands human speech?
and has even shown signs of offense when insulted in its presence.
Is this relevant? Again, cliche territory—"be careful we don't wanna make it mad" is so overplayed that it seems boring. If we've seen it a ton of times, it's not exciting.
The entity has behaved mostly like a dog, even chasing its own tail at one point and following the Class D assigned to it obediently.
Why would the Foundation assign an untrained, unlicensed D-class personnel to something like this? Also, why is the tail chasing behavior noted? Is it that important?
It has white fur with black markings that have been compared to "toe-less socks" on it's legs, and black ears.
Again, why is this important? If it's not overly important to the thing itself, why bother mentioning it?
It's eyes,
It's/its error.
however,
You'd need a semicolon. Also, why the "however"? It's already been well-established that this thing is not a common dog.
are bright amber, and have been compared to fallen leaves in their color.
Completely irrelevant. No scientist would care about poetic comparisons without some sort of more compelling reason. Take this out.
It's pupils are small slits.
It's/its error again. Also, why is this significant? The article spends far too many words describing the looks.
The entity has also shown extremely heightened senses, such as hearing someone drop a pencil down the hall.
Humans can do that. Which hall? Why is this mentioned? This clearly isn't a scientific study.
It has also shown signs of sensing danger, like barking and screeching non-stop before a small fire was caught in another part of the facility.
Certain animals can predict earthquakes. Also, how does one "catch a fire"? You can "catch fire", but "catching a fire" doesn't work as an idiomatic phrase.
The entity seems to know basic skills of dogs, such as sitting as a meal was brought to it and not eating until the subject gestured to the bowl.
I didn't know these were basic skills of dogs.
(Apparently, a few personnel taught it to balance a piece of food on its nose, then flip it up in the air and catch it in its mouth when nodded at.)
Irrelevant.
SCP-0413 is to be fed a mixture of meat and fruit (it appears to prefer chicken or lamb and mangos), as well as candy. It appears that it's favorites are a candy called a "Warhead", peppermints, and Hershey's chocolate.
This should be in containment procedures.
If SCP-0413 has begun to show signs of [DATA EXPUNGED], it's black markings will either turn orange or turquoise. The reason has not yet been confirmed, but the reason is assumed by some to be [REDACTED].
…if it shows signs of believing it's a Disney character? You've effectively cut out anything interesting you could've had here.
Overall, this is not nearly close enough to site standards to merit being posted. I recommend that you do the following:
- Read sections 1 and 2 of the guide on expungment so you know how to use it properly and effectively. Right now all the expungment comes off as lazy and boring.
- Read some of the high-rated Series II and III articles (SCPs with numbers from 1000 to 2999), because those better represent what the site is looking for nowadays.
- Familiarize yourself with the difference between "it's" and "its". This is something a high schooler should have down.
In general, there are a lot of errors here that seem to demonstrate a familiarity with old series I articles. For the record, anything older than 3 years or so is not a good example of what we're expecting to see on the site nowadays. This article effectively describes a pet for the Foundation. Again, the Foundation exists to contain and experiment on these things, not keep them comfy. Personnel access to it would be restricted unless contact is required (and as I said before, "be nice to it or it'll get mad" is a really old and overused concept).
This needs a lot of work if you want it on the site.
Sorry Zyn… I guess I was working on my critique when you posted this or I would have held off.
Lol, I think it's great that there's two critiques on this page instead of one. No biggie. We do encourage getting lots of feedback on things, after all.
Would be great if I could get some more critiques of my Tale, but I'm being patient… Really, I am… Any moment now, someone will post something. Yep… Just waiting for it…
Hey man, if you're going to plug your own stuff, please don't do it on someone else's thread. ;) You can ask around chat or ask a staff member who's currently on chat to wave the draft around for you (Not me atm, though. I'm currently multitasking and will be busy shortly)
Hi there! You've posted to the wrong forum—draft review occurs in Drafts and Critiques. Don't worry, I've moved the thread for you.
Just so you know, "0413" is a numerical designation that wouldn't work on the site. We've already got an SCP-413, and the only SCPs that start with 0 are found in Series I (which is now closed).
Sandbox drafts are considered in-progress, and not finished work. Actually uploading the page is a different process. Sandboxes are for getting feedback.
At this point, I've looked over your draft. I strongly recommend that you work on it more. As it is now, it won't last long on the site. Give me a moment, and I'll write up a review.
Also, I've posted the link for your sandbox page here: Willow-Anima's Sandbox
My line by line critique. I am sometimes harsh, so don't take it personally, it's intended to help you be a better author.
SCP-0413 is allowed to follow one Class D subject around facility if it seems to be expressing boredom/has calmed down from [DATA EXPUNGED].
Which site? Having a site reference is helpful.
Must be kept in large kennel at all times otherwise.
Not a complete sentence. Might be better as: "Subject must be kept in a large kennel when otherwise not engaged in testing or subsequent to bad behavior."
Entity is to be kept as calm as possible, and if beginning to show signs of anger/[DATA EXPUNGED], then will be calmed down as much as possible and put into kennel ASAP.
Never a good idea to redact/expunge containment procedures. Personnel need to know what needs to be done to keep everyone safe.
SCP-0413 has the appearance of a dog, excepting it's long, thin tail (that appears to be simply bone with a thin membrane stretched over it and a black fin at the tip) and its large wings
"The entity has the outward appearance of a large Canis Lupus Familiaris (domestic dog) with the exception of large, bat-like wings extending from the shoulders and it's tail, which appears to be segmented bone with a thin membrane of skin stretched over it. The tip of the tail terminates in a large fin shape."
It has been proven to understand human speech, and has even shown signs of offense when insulted in its presence.
"The entity is apparently intelligent enough to comprehend human speech, although it has not demonstrated any capability for same. It has shown signs of taking offense at insults directed at it in the past."
The entity has behaved mostly like a dog, even chasing its own tail at one point and following the Class D assigned to it obediently.
"The behavior of the entity has been similar to ordinary specimens of Canis Lupus Familiaris, even to the extent of chasing it's own tail and obediently following the Class D Personnel assigned to it as a handler."
It has white fur with black markings that have been compared to "toe-less socks" on it's legs, and black ears.
"Physically, the entity has white fur over most of it's body with black fur extending from the front pastern to the forearm bilaterally on the front limbs and from the rear pastern to the thigh bilaterally on the rear limbs. The ears are also covered in black fur."
It's eyes, however, are bright amber, and have been compared to fallen leaves in their color. It's pupils are small slits.
"The entity's eyes have normal white sclera, with bright amber colored irises. The pupils are anomalous in that they are not the round shape normally found in specimens of Canis Lupus Familiaris, but are slitted like a reptile."
The entity has also shown extremely heightened senses, such as hearing someone drop a pencil down the hall. It has also shown signs of sensing danger, like barking and screeching non-stop before a small fire was caught in another part of the facility.
"The entity has demonstrated hearing and smell capabilities apparently outside the range of a normal domestic dog having reacted sharply to a pencil striking the floor from approximately 30 feet away and vocalizing several minutes before a small fire was noticed in a different part of the facility."
The entity seems to know basic skills of dogs, such as sitting as a meal was brought to it and not eating until the subject gestured to the bowl. (Apparently, a few personnel taught it to balance a piece of food on its nose, then flip it up in the air and catch it in its mouth when nodded at.)
"The entity has been trained as a domestic dog would, sitting when presented with it's meal and not consuming the food until given permission. Staff have trained it to balance a piece of food on it's nose, flip it up in the air and catch it on command."
SCP-0413 is to be fed a mixture of meat and fruit (it appears to prefer chicken or lamb and mangos), as well as candy. It appears that it's favorites are a candy called a "Warhead", peppermints, and Hershey's chocolate.
This should go under "Containment Procedures" as it relates to how the entity is treated and contained.
"The entity is to be fed a mixture of meat and fruit. It has shown a preference for chicken or lamb as well as mangos. Occasionally, as a reward, it may be given candy as a treat. It has shown a great preference for ████████ brand candy or peppermints."
FYI… Dogs of any kind should never be given chocolate. It's dangerous for them as it contains theobromine which they are unable to metabolize.
If SCP-0413 has begun to show signs of [DATA EXPUNGED], it's black markings will either turn orange or turquoise. The reason has not yet been confirmed, but the reason is assumed by some to be [REDACTED].
You need to expand on this. There's nothing here.
Overall, what you have is a generic "Monster Manual" type critter with no back story, no hook for the reader, nothing really to make it interesting. If you can come up with a really good back story, or something more about what happens when it becomes upset, it might be viable. As it stands now, it's not ready for prime time.
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page revision: 2, last edited: 30 Oct 2017 00:04
