http://scpsandbox2.wikidot.com/spoopyskeleton
I'd really like any kind of constructive criticism here. It's my first attempt, and I want to know what people think. Is it cliché? Is it written poorly? Do I need to scrap the whole thing? Really any kind of anything you'd like to point out would be appreciated.
Very first thing: you cannot use 3048 yet. Series IV isn't open yet.
First discovered in 19██, with rampant instances of SCP-3048-1 and SCP-3048-2 flooding the town.
Introducing -#s in the description before defining them is a debated subject. But the real problem is that -2 is later stated to be a phenomenon, not the affected individuals.
Initial response teams were unaware of the threat posed by either instance, and all teams were subsequently [DATA EXPUNGED]. All records of the initial response have been erased.
This is what we call "lazy expungement"… removing data in a way that has no real narrative sense and looks like "*insert spooky thing here*". Having all records erased is also pointless from the Foundation's POV.
More lazy expungement. And in-universe, this is particularly problematic, as people would want to know what they're trying to fight off and what it can do. A few older articles are grandfathered in these respects, but nowadays expunging too much will lead to people using those as madlibs. For example: "All instances of SCP-3048 share characteristics with fluffy bunnies. As of Incident I-3048-47, all instances of SCP-3048-1 are capable of vocal mimicry, and possess attack people with rainbow beams".
Yeah, the more I got into it, the less I was interested. You rely way too much on "[DATA EXPUNGED]" to carry your article and what is there is really bland. Even if your aim is horror (eve got lots of articles that have nothing to do with horror nowadays), just throwing in danger is not enough. Even back then in Series I (we've had some style shifts ever since) most of the horror didn't come from "look how horrible these things are" as much it came in subtle implications.
I had a feeling that I was overusing [DATA EXPUNGED], but I wanted some feedback before I changed anything, so thanks.
My very first draft actually had no [DATA EXPUNGED] at all, so I figured I'd try and spice it up. I think I'll be cutting back on that.
Thanks for the advice, I definitely need to put some more work into this.
In the case of remote contact with SCP-3048-1 instances, camera devices are to be remotely deactivated of Any and all staff members displaying symptoms of SCP-3048-2 are to immediately terminated.
Needs some work here. Especially the part "deactivated of Any and all staff members" Did you mean: "deactivated. Any and all staff members…"?
incendiary fire
Is there any other type of fire?
First discovered in 19██, with rampant instances of SCP-3048-1 and SCP-3048-2 flooding the town.
Not a complete sentence.
SCP-3048 inflicts a powerful compulsory effect on subjects with sustained visual contact.
Exhibits, not inflicts.
uncontrollable urge to be within the building.
Should be "uncontrollable urge to enter the building."
Tests have concluded no physical cause of the compulsion.
Should be "for the compulsion."
Subjects immune to the effects of SCP-3048-2 experience exactly the opposite of this effect, and will [DATA EXPUNGED] if entered into close proximity with the building.
First off, there's no real need to redact this information. It contributes nothing to the story. Second, the last part would read better as "if brought into close proximity to the building."
Affected subjects that succeed in entering the building are [DATA EXPUNGED], leaving nothing behind.
Again… unnecessary redaction. I would suggest reading the guide Zen and the Art of Data Expunged for more info.
SCP-3048-1 manifests within SCP-3048 in groups of █ to ██. All instances of SCP-3048 share characteristics with [DATA EXPUNGED]. As of Incident I-3048-47, all instances of SCP-3048-1 are capable of vocal mimicry, and possess [DATA EXPUNGED].
More unnecessary redactions.
Dr. ████ — Jesus Christ, you’d think that the higher ups would take a larger interest in something like this.
Not sure why this is included in technical document or what it contributes to the whole.
This belief originates from what has been dubbed as an SCP-3048 shifting event, in which the layout of the entire building interior is changed by some unknown means, usually in ways that most hamper intrusion.
Doesn't match technical tone that you need to be shooting for in this document.
Stationery items left within the building are included in the change, rendering traditional cameras useless.
It's spelled "Stationary". Stationery is envelopes and paper.
In every case, the addressed will invariably be affected by SCP-3048-2.
Again, lacking technical/professional tone of a document of this type.
Incident I-3048-47
Originally, SCP-3048-1 instances were slow moving and unintelligent. They were regarded as threatening, but not overly dangerous. This changed in December █, 20██, when a group of ██ SCP-3048-1 appeared. Area-38, at the time Site-██ was completely overrun within hours, and Mobile Task Force Theta-6 (“Crack of Dawn”) mobilized to engage the threat. ██% of combatants were [DATA EXPUNGED] during the operation. All who experienced visual contact with the threat were later affected by SCP-3048-2.
This whole section needs to be re-worked.
Overall, as it stands, it's boring. There's no back story, there's no "hook" to engage the reader. I would down vote as a main lister.
I'm glad that you went through it as completely as you did. I'm going to spend some time reworking this before I make any edits, because it dearly needs it.
That's what I prefer to do. I like to think that people benefit more from a line by line analysis than they do from a general, "Eh, it stinks, you need to re-work it." type analysis. When ever someone posts a review of my work and just says, "It needs work." I'm left going, "Ok, TELL me what needs work!" Glad I can be of assistance.