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My rough draft of a Euclid-class can be found here. It's missing one or two Interview Logs and such, but the bulk of it's there. Feel free to critique, offer advice or, if you really feel it, tell me that it's garbage and I'm garbage for writing it.
SCP-2929 is to be contained in a specially-constructed steel prism held in place by articulated pressure pads that will respond with equal and opposite force should the entity attempt to break out. A small circular window built into the topmost face of the prism is to be used to observe the entity. An efficient drainage system is to be installed at the bottom of the prism to allow fluids to drain away after each Separation Event. While the entity may not wish direct harm upon other humans, its actions during a Separation Event cannot be predicted and for this reason, a minimum safe distance of 20m is to be implemented during each Event.
This is one time where putting actual measurements might be a good thing. I'm having trouble visualizing how this thing is actually constructed. Is it a triangular prism arrangement where the three sides form an equilateral triangle? How large of a space is it containing? How big are the walls? Keeping that in mind, steel walls 1 inch thick would weigh 40 lbs/ft2. If you make it an equilateral triangle with walls 10 feet long and 6 feet high, that works out to over a ton per wall.
although his body has been found to emit low levels of Alpha radiation.
How much radiation? Is he a danger to anyone? Is the radiation affecting him at all?
this could be a side-effect of his anomalous qualities, or possibly it could indicate the use of a powerful amnestic
Breaks clinical tone. I would re-word it a little. "this could be a side-effect of his anomalous qualities or may indicate the use of powerful amnestics"
Due to the psychological toll of his condition, SCP-2929’s mental state is extremely fractious and unreliable even without the memory loss.
Again, breaks clinical tone. "SCP-2929's psychological condition is extremely fractious and unstable as a result of his condition aside from the trauma of his memory loss."
Extensive searches for information regarding his identity and personal history have at present been judged fruitless and therefore suspended indefinitely.
"Exhaustive database searches for any clue to his identity or personal history have been conducted utilizing the resources of the American FBI, Interpol and the Japanese Keisatsu-chō. Nothing has yet been found and therefore any further research into his identity has been suspended."
tattooed on his upper left arm is a passage of text that
Tattooed in what language?
It is speculated that SCP-2929 is the result of an attempt to develop commercially available [REDACTED], although SCP-2929’s anomalous qualities cannot have been the desired result.
Unnecessary redaction. Doesn't contribute anything to the story.
SCP-2929 has proven capable of rapidly healing from physical damage, including but not limited to blunt-force trauma, laceration, burning, chemical burning, gunshot wounds, [DATA EXPUNGED] and exsanguination.
Now, this is an example of where redaction works. Great job because it leaves you wondering just what in the hell else did they do to the poor guy.
Close medical examination reveals that cell subdivisions within its body have halted, meaning it does not age physically.
Sorry, but the science just died. Cell subdivision is necessary for any type of healing to occur. In order for the patient to never age, cell division is vitally necessary.
It also exhibits immense physical strength and a strong but undefined telekinetic ability; before the minimum safe distance was implemented, researchers suffered headaches and nosebleeds as a result of great intracranial pressure while within 20m of SCP-2929’s cell, and light objects such as mugs and watches would shatter.
VERY long run-on sentence. Consider revising this into two or more sentences. Also, you might want to revise this:
suffered headaches and nosebleeds as a result of great intracranial pressure
Increased intracranial pressure would result in strokes and impaired mental function, not nosebleeds and headaches. Also, the wording is off. If you want to keep that in, you need to change it to: "sufferred headaches and nosebleeds as a result of increased intracranial pressure." (Emphasis placed by me to show correction.)
By some combination of these anomalies, SCP-2929 periodically undergoes what is referred to as a ‘Separation Event.’
This is honestly kind of weak. It looks like the "Separation Event" was shoe-horned into the story.
at roughy 7 hours
"roughly" - Remember, spell check is your friend. It takes only moments to drop your article into Word or any other word processor for a quick spell check.
Over the final 4-5 hours, the entity is apparently pushed apart from within by some immense force or pressure.
This really breaks clinical tone and sounds very unprofessional. It might sound better as:
"Over the next 4-5 hours, the entity will begin exhibiting extreme edema throughout it's entire body. Once the epidermis is no longer able to contain the buildup of fluid, the entity's outer skin will rupture and the accumulated fluids will be expelled."
Again, this whole "Separation Event" feels like it was forced onto a SCP to keep it from being a one-trick pony.
The addendums break clinical tone and sound far too conversational to be included. If you want to re-work them, make sure to cite a researcher and make it a quote.
Overall, it's another X-Man entry. There's nothing interesting in the backstory (though you've got a start there with a new GOI) and the abilities have been done before. To quote:
The second big thing to consider when making a humanoid SCP object is avoiding "X-men Syndrome". As a rule of thumb, if what's anomalous about your humanoid SCP object can be most accurately described as a voluntary "power" or "ability", you should probably start over.
Really read this for more information.
Thanks, man. I really did read the stuff on humanoids and the X-Men syndrome stuff beforehand - the idea here was to make the abilities have a horribly negative effect with no real positive side. More an 'X-Men gone wrong' than anything else. But then if that doesn't come across in the actual article, clearly I've got work to do. The backstory would be expanded on in some related documents - Interview Logs etc - but again that's not much good if what's mentioned in the article itself isn't interesting.
I do like the idea of a new GOI, but I should focus on getting a halfway decent SCP out there first. :)
No worries. We're all here to make each other better writers.
The 'cell subdivision' thing was really more of a placeholder until I looked more closely into the science, by the way. Not trying to get the last word in here or anything, just didn't want you thinking I was a scientifically-illiterate buffoon.
I see what you mean about the Separation Events feeling shoehorned into the article. If anything, it's the other way around - I had the idea for the 'endless-cycle-of-healing-and-disintegrating' thing before I even heard of the Foundation site, this just seemed a good home for it - but you're right, the elements of the story don't really gel together without a greater sense of completion on one side or the other.
And as you can see from the above, run-on sentences are the bane of my writing.
I like the "Separation Event" idea better than I do the infinitely healing humanoid concept. The latter has been done to death, the former is unique. You could possibly eliminate the healing factor entirely outside of a Separation Event, or even make the Separation Event a method of reproduction. The entity splits in two down the middle and each half regenerates into a clone of the original. Now… How to get around the multiplication factor? Hmmmm? Think about it… You have 1, 2, 4, 8, 16, 32, etc… LOL Wouldn't take long and you are literally DROWNING in these things unless the Foundation found a way to stop it from happening…
Now that's… actually very interesting. I've seen a few clone SCPs on here, so it would have to be done carefully, but it's a damn sight more interesting than the healing factor stuff.
If you think you can pull it off, it would be very cool. Cloning through binary fission mitosis. Hehehehehehee….
Hmmm… Maybe change it up a bit so that it is not cloning through mitosis. Make the separation event even more horrific and graphic, and what emerges is an entirely new person. Different look, same genetics, possibly even different gender. You could have a lot of fun with that. A body that swells up through tremendous lymphatic edema to the point where the entire integumentary system falls off to reveal… Someone else.
tell me that it's garbage and I'm garbage for writing it.
Bud, not only can we explicitly not do that, but we also gain nothing from doing it. We're here because we want to help people become better authors. You put effort into this, and that really matters. Maybe we may find something we may dislike or not believe it's ready for the mainlist, but you're definitely not bad for that. You're just an inexperienced writer.
Your article is decently written, albeit with some weird structuring. My main issue is that "heals from anything done to it" is a very old trope that even in this very wiki has been tackled from a large variety of angles (see the tags "indestructible" and "self-repairing" for examples), so most of your article really doesn't bring much new to the table. However, there is one element I did like, which was the separation events. That's some good body horror.
Thanks guys; that's kind of why I included the whole X-Man syndrome thing in the first place, which I did know about; it's kind of meant to be a dark take on the whole healing factor thing, where the healing ability is more the point of the article than just another 'superpower.' The structure's just a point that I'd iron out in another draft, this isn't necessarily how the finished product would look. The body horror stuff is what I'd try to salvage from this if I were to re-do the whole thing anew.
Oh, and the 'it's garbage and I'm garbage' thing was a jokey Penny Arcade reference more than it was anything serious. :)
At the risk of tooting my own horn, I need to point you to SCP-2102 when it comes to "healing factor sucks" and "created by a GoI". Also, please edit your posts instead of replying to your own posts.
Ah, my bad. Hadn't read your SCP, but it's cool to see someone else that gets that a healing factor would suck. I'm still looking for a truly original idea, it seems…
