I am a new member and this is my very first SCP, I desperately need your opinions and point out the flaws about the draft.
Although my sandbox contains three drafts, I would like you to focus in Dice of life. Although you can criticize the rest and surely it will come negative, it would be very much appreciated.
I am a new member and this is my very first SCP, I desperately need your opinions and point out the flaws about the draft.
- I'm not sure I approve of all the self-inserts here, especially the way the person is a Dr and just happens to be linked with the object somehow.
- Also never apply a specific person in the procedures. Otherwise they may die and no one will know what to do.
- In fact the document seems to be talking a lot more about Dr. Memo than anything else so you definitely went too far with that.
- It looks like it does things that primarily affect those who have related blood which ultimately makes me think 'oh I'm not relevant to this'
- The portal picture at first I wasn't sure about, and then I read it had moon rocks in it and thought no because we aren't supposed to be making references like that in the SCP documents.
- This is more of an optional nitpick but: adding "Note:" in the description doesn't seem necessary. The writing beside it can stay, but I don't think adding separation is necessary.
- Maybe if you did a major edit I could look into it more concisely, but as it's written it's a little too all over the place.
- The idea of switching into other kinds of people has been done before.
- Dice is considered a bit overused on the site.
- I also understand I'm being a bit vague with some of these comments so if you want clarification I'll be glad to give some.
I've edited the draft based on your post and had added a few minor major details. Although I cannot guarantee if it qualifies to your standard, I do hope that I had executed the edits finely.
Thank you for correcting my work sir, though I cannot find a suitable replacement for the dice part and the idea of switching into other kinds of people, really sorry. Suggestions would be very much appreciated.
Basic Thoughts: Actually this is a lot easier to read and understand. I'll get back with edits on word order and other small things in a sec. Also, no need to apologize. If I sound harsh that's because sometimes it's more efficient to just list errors like I did. To clarify in advance: I'm acting as an advocate for the site's standard, rather than my own. If you gave this to another member they would be stating similar points.
This came out really long didn't it?
If anyone has questions or comments concerning this critique, especially the author, do not hesitate to hit that 'reply' button. -Prof. William
Your main concern seems to be your grammar, and the way you word things.
Try reading things aloud after writing them. For example, your initial reply:
We all have trouble with things at first, so try working on it. Improvement can come surprisingly quickly.
Thank you, your critique helps a lot. If I offended you, I should apologize more, I'm sensitive about criticism but even so, I would never allow you to hold back on your opinions. Your words help a lot.
somehow, I feel this reply is a bit too harsh.
Err…with all the errors that I made, I feel like I'm starting to piss you off. I'm really sorry. English is really not my primary language, I think I have to reserve some summer classes.
But thank you for pointing out my errors, dang that's a lot.
I need time to regain my composure and confidence first before starting over again. Introvert
And may I ask, but you can evade the question, in which continent are you currently residing? I mean, based on the clock of my country, its supposed to be morning in USA. Are you perhaps European or just likes to wake up early?
Your english is perfect.
I wake up early that's all (in USA) and I've gotta leave for school soon. Also I I also check and check, and double check double-check my grammar english grammar when whenever I'm writing on the SCP site database Database.
*I also check, and double-check my english grammar whenever I'm writing on the SCP Database. Ok I admit that was an exaggeration… I don't refine it that much.
It's good practice for school and all too.
Just so you know: It's basically impossible to 'piss me off' so you're all good. A lot of people on the site don't have english as their first language, and I have to admit: when I joined the site I was much worse off than you are, because you're not that bad tbh. I don't think you should step back because of this, I think you should step foreword and really try! Try your best to contribute and improve the site.
You're doing way better than a lot of the other new SCP people coming into the site on average. Honestly keep up the good work and I'm excited to see how you'll turn out.
My, now I really feel flattered and flustered with your comment.
But thank you, and I'll make sure I won't back down and continue with the modifications.
when I joined the site I was much worse off than you are, because you're not that bad tbh.
You're doing way better than a lot of the other new SCP people coming into the site on average.
Should I seriously believe this or not? Because you've really improved to the point of knowing all my flaws and corrections. I'm actually exposed to Feature writing than technical writing, so my works would turn out unprofessional.
Well, good luck on school. Same to me too.
Well, I joined the site not really knowing anything at all.
Any improvements come from me looking around, exploring, critiquing, and ultimately being obsessed with SCP.
I was a terrible writer when I joined, and I'm still not that good in comparison to a lot of the other guys on the site.
Mainly: I know what commute wants, and I listen to what people have to say about my work, as well as everyone else's. If you learn what they want you can use that as a guide.
I have to be honest I don't have work on the site right now. I have something nice in my sandbox, but I'm terrified to post it. The people here are real strict about what is needed in an SCP, and honestly you'll have to deal with that.
If clinical isn't your thing, then try a tale! This doesn't have to be the first thing you invest in if you don't think it'll work out. There are so many things you can do with this wiki. The sky is the limit.
I'm still unsure if this is the outcome you like and I feel like there's still some parts missing.
But with what you said about the people here being real strict…err.
I've been lingering around the site for sometime now, even before I made my account, I still have two more series to read.
About the tale stuff, I haven't exactly made plans about that so it may took some time to create one I wasted three months for the dice.
What would be a good topic for a tale? Like the foundation being exposed to the world? I think that's already made.
Well, thank you for your time criticising my draft. But I have no idea as to where I should get another critique from here on.
Thanks a lot.
Now that I think about it, there really is a difference between series 1 and series 2-3. But the latter still have some few blanks to be filled in.
Yeah, I did read through the series 1 but with my amnesia problems, I tend to forget the SCPs from time to time.
I seem to not undestand the emotional value part though, please elaborate.
Edit: Like those memetic objects that attracts a subject to use them or something? But I think adding that would make me go out of my idea. Specially that 'going crazy with no particular reason', such gets a downvote sometimes.
I want to PM site staff but I have no clear choice as to who's suitable for criticising this crap draft.
Something tells me there's more things to be uncovered at my draft, maybe dice number 11 and/or 12 needs to be revisualized.
Err… I can't really give you ideas, but if you come up with a seed I have no problem helping you expand on them.
As for the draft, I feel like you should present your edits to other people as well. I doubt it's polished enough at the moment. I could try another line by line but it's always better to get input from a lot of people.
Also, did you read through Series I? Series I SCP's are considered to be less than the standard we have today. These days the SCP has to tell a story, be original, and hook the reader.
There are many ways to go about this, and with a die that makes people act like others would be a tough write, as it has unoriginal elements. If you present emotional value to the people it turns you into, that could work.
If you read the whole series though: *clap clap* wow that's commitment right there.
EDIT: Um… hard to say. You don't necessarily have to evoke emotion, but you don't want to make a thing that kills you if you mess with it, or an object that does something when you use it.
You don't want to make something scary unless it has other values too. Many of the SCPs in Series I are objects that make you go towards them and then do something with them. Or something that makes you go crazy for no particular reason. Or a monster that kills you when it breaches containment (over and over again).
These days, we need something fresh. People want SCPs that go further than an object, yet still in the Foundation's clinical wording.
There's no specific way to do this, so I'm having trouble elaborating. It's your job to get creative with it.
Like those memetic objects that attracts a subject to use them or something? But I think adding that would make me go out of my idea. Specially that 'going crazy with no particular reason', such gets a downvote sometimes.
Yes I agree.
I wasn't telling you to write that at all. Sorry if I wasn't clear. Also, you can click 'reply' if you want. Um, staff-wise they're all mostly available. Just pick someone if you want their help.
Quite a bit of work is needed with regards to conceptual problems, a lack of narrative engagement, structural issues and proofreading before I would be willing to upvote this article. A few things to remember:
- You haven't used the correct formatting either for the article or the image. The relevant templates are provided on [this page] for your convenience, under 'Templates' and 'Formatting', and using them in future would be a good idea. Additionally, the last collapsible doesn't need to be a collapsible.
- The containment procedures are somewhat over-specific - why do we need to know that the steel brackets are secured 'with nuts and bolts'?
- There's far too much focus on your author avatar in this. Honestly, this would be better if the doctor involved wasn't an author avatar and if there was some indication that the Foundation are treating her as a prisoner - after all, she appears to have willingly broken SCP-055's containment in order to create an anomalous device which she now will not (or cannot) disclose the function of to staff. The idea that they would run experiments involving teleporting her out of Foundation custody is ridiculous.
- You never actually explain the effect in a full clear and concise manner. You should do that before you explain the origin story, because right now I'm slightly confused as to what exactly this thing does, and that gets a downvote from me. These are reports designed to explain the SCP - if it doesn't do that, and there isn't a damn good reason, it's doesn't make any sense.
- You have a number of spelling and grammar errors, a number of sentences that are confused and difficult to follow, and at least one unfinished sentence. Read the whole thing aloud to yourself to scan for errors in future.
- The first table should read 'cause of death' not 'death toll', and 'insanity' is not a cause of death. It should probably also reference the location each dice roll leads to.
- There's no indication whatsoever of why this thing was created or what on earth Dr. Memo's gameplan in creating it was, and I feel like there should be, since otherwise the story has no real narrative thrust.
- Right now your draft is rather poorly organised, and information is pretty much all over the place.
I could do a line-by-line (PM me if you want me to), but for now I think there's enough conceptual and structural problems with this that I think having you go and fixed a large number of small problems is counterproductive when there's stuff here that requires a general overhaul.