I've intentionally left my draft without blackouts, redactions, or data expunges, because I'm not actually certain where they would go. A few pointers in regards to my own writing, rather then that of another, would be nice.
Draft is here Draft
I've intentionally left my draft without blackouts, redactions, or data expunges, because I'm not actually certain where they would go. A few pointers in regards to my own writing, rather then that of another, would be nice.
Draft is here Draft
SCP-XXXX is currently not contained; re-containment is not a priority.
Ummm… The first thing about the Foundation is: Secure, CONTAIN and Protect.
Should SCP-XXXX be contained, only personnel of the Baha'i faith are permitted to interact with the object.
I would change to: "…permitted to interact with it."
SCP-XXXX shall be contained in a 3x3x3 meter room
Ok, first off… Your initial paragraph says: "SCP-XXXX is currently not contained" and now you are providing very specific containment procedures? If you use such specific containment procedures, you really need to spell out why they are so specific.
Anybody of a Abrahamic, Vedic, or otherwise messianistic faith is to be barred access to the object.
It's "messianic" and the whole tone of the sentence is off.
I would change to: "Personnel of Abrahamic, Vedic or any other messianic faith are not permitted to access SCP-XXXX."
And, you need to specify why they are not permitted access. Does it cause an XK-Class End of the World scenario? Does it just piss the SCP off? What difference does it make?
All religious material produced by an instance of SCP-XXXX-A is to be intercepted by Foundation agents, and compulsive religious segments are to be redacted before being distributed.
Again, tone issues… "Any material of a religious nature produced by an instance of SCP-XXXX-A are to be intercepted by Foundation agents and any infohazardous religious segments are to be redacted before being allowed to be distributed."
Under purview of senior researcher Aurang Ghuṣn-Esfandyar, the effects of SCP-XXXX are currently being documented.
If it's not contained, and no effort being made to contain it, how are they studying it?
Very little exposure to a candidate faith will trigger the effect of the item, self professed agnostics or atheists react in accordance with their cultural upbringing.
Couple of issues here: 1. The first part of the sentence doesn't make sense as written and I'm not sure what you are trying to convey. 2. This should be split into two sentences with a period between "item" and "Self-professed". (Also, it is "self-professed".)
I'm stopping where I did due to the number of issues that need to be resolved. First off, it's a pretty generic magic item. Second, there's not much here for the level of detail that you have put into it. Third, always use "amnestic" not "amnesiac". If you can clean up the tone, grammar and syntax and maybe more of a back story to the item and less detail about the effect that it has, it might be a more interesting read. As it stands now, it won't fly.
Thank you for the feedback, I'll work on what you suggested
MadCatUSA may want to view this collapsible.
And, you need to specify why they are not permitted access. Does it cause an XK-Class End of the World scenario? Does it just piss the SCP off? What difference does it make?
Actually, I would argue that you're not supposed to tell what happens when you don't follow the procedures. That's usually for the reader to figure out when they read the description and (optionally) the addendum. The way it's written here may have Baeringus write that directly in the procedures.
Third, always use "amnestic" not "amnesiac".
Actually this is not a rule. Although the correct term could be considered 'amnestic' but there's an essay specifically stating that they're interchangeable at this point in time and not to trifle over the wording between these. So Baeringus is fine here.
Sorry I can't seem to find the essay! D:
There's also an essay stating that only amnestic is scientifically correct. Which I agree with, so edit as you choose Baeringus.
Actually, I would argue that you're not supposed to tell what happens when you don't follow the procedures.
Personal head-canon. I believe in making sure that all contingencies in a containment scenario are spelled out explicitly to avoid any possibility of accidental breach.
Well I thought it was fairly obvious what happens, as spelled out in the description.
I enjoyed reading this draft, and think the idea is pretty interesting. It needs work in several key areas, but I think it can emerge as a well-rated SCP.
My most significant issue with the draft I've read is the idea that the Foundation ever lets this object out of containment. The Foundation has a good enough idea of what this object does. An Euclid classification allows for them to not know every detail about the object's properties. If I understand correctly the description of SCP-XXXX and its indirect death toll - which, given what you've implied regarding SCP-XXXX, is possibly unprecedented by any other SCP on the site1, it seems like it'd be extremely irresponsible of the Foundation to just let the thing roam free. It should still be contained. The idea that the SCP Foundation just lets this thing anywhere out of its containment chamber causes me to drown in the leaking hydraulic fluid from my suspension of disbelief.
I literally skimmed this article and, regarding MadCatUSA's comment, it was pretty obvious to me at least why people of the named faiths weren't allowed to have the item. I don't think clarification is necessary; in this case you're allowed to allow the reader to connect the dots. I don't see anything indicating that containment breach results in SCP-XXXX being completely unobtainable through, for example, literally taking the object back after someone has been exposed to it, so I don't think it's necessary to go into detail.
That also makes me pose a question that I don't think the article necessarily answered: does SCP-XXXX-A have to remain in contact with SCP-XXXX in order to experience its effects over an extended period of time? Or can SCP-XXXX be taken from SCP-XXXX-A after exposure and have its effects still continue? Might have missed this in the article.
My general comment on this article is pretty much in agreeement with Professor Will: some might find it in poor taste, resulting in downvotes. It's possibly (possibly) clever enough to avoid that reaction, but I sort of felt like exploiting "acceptable targets" drove this article, and I don't follow any of the named religions. I get that there are many SCPs that make reference to religion, but the detail with which the description goes into explaining history associated with religion makes it stand out more here.
I like the inclusion of other miscellaneous details, like the memetic effects of material written by SCP-XXXX-A. Interesting concept. But the whole thing needs to be treated very delicately to work. Right now there are frankly plot holes in the containment procedure and description.
Thanks, my idea behind this is that the item has nothing to do with actual religion, it just exploits the religious indoctrination of an individual to drive that individual to power.
I'll have my edit done soonish.