First draft for my SCP
http://scpsandbox2.wikidot.com/dr-jet-s-draft
First draft for my SCP. Anything wrong?
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First draft for my SCP
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» First draft for my SCP
I'll take a look at it.
along with an iron collar, 2 m in length, guided by two level one or higher personnel.
Any particular reason this was striked out? I didn't find anything mentioning it afterwards.
The corpse was taken to the Foundation's research facility for further examination of the body.
Let's not be too hasty now. Maybe after an examination of the body and interviewing the scip, police learn its abilities and report it to the Foundation.
appear to be just regular oxygen tanks
"These tanks exhibit no anomalous properties" would maintain a more clinical tone.
It claims to sense it's master and knows IT is here.
No need to emphasize this.
It was clouded
Distracted, perhaps?
Also, not only do I find the apparent crosslink dubious, but the parallels between this scip and that were too similar (doctor's surprise at the start of interview, Great Pestilence, human experimentation, etc.). Although, I will say that given the obvious physical differences between the two, I was left wondering how this scip turned out the way it did.
So those were my 2 cents. I'm rather new here, so I'm unsure how well I handled this critique. Just keep these points in mind, I suppose.
I fixed the pic, some info, the first interview, and the Addendum numbers. I'm giving it a serious tone rather then a relieved one. Btw is it aloud to imagine what people do during interviews on what I did?
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After reviewing it, I can say for certain that it has improved… a little. You weakened the connections to SCP-049 in the interview log, which was great, but what wasn't great was the closing statement, particularly the ending. (Also, I don't think Addendum A-4 was changed.)
Tests will DOUBLE for both of them and cross testing is debatable
Cross-testing between the two wouldn't be a great idea, given that the revised interview log now portrays SCP-XXXX as confrontational and aggresive. (Not saying you need to change his behavior again; in fact, the irritation it shows adds an air of mystery as to why an anomalous being would want to find 049… for me, at least)
The clarification on the iron collar was appreciated, but now how can personnel transport it without endangering themselves? And I'm curious why it reacted the way it did to the collar in the first place. Did it have something to do with the iron specifically?
Outside of these points, there were a few grammatical errors (liar, not lier; sense its master; at the Dr.; "suddenly goes quiet. It goes silent." is redundant).
In conclusion: It's better now, but still needs a little more polishing.
And to answer your last question, if you meant if it's allowed to show the actions people take in interview logs, yes, it most certainly is. Correct me if that wasn't what you meant.
Yeah that's what I was asking, thanks lol.
Anyway I need help with the escorting. I tried with subdue immediatly if strange activity surface but I don't think it's gonna work. Help! :(
Who are you?
First of all, it has too informal a tone, it is too much like SCP-049, like Livingpyramid said above, and, by any chance, does the name "Neon" sound familiar to you? That is all.
it has too informal a tone,
Utter Lunacy, if you're going to mention tone, you need to be more specific. Give a few examples of informal tone, and suggestions of how to fix it. Vague advice does not help the author at all.
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page revision: 2, last edited: 30 Oct 2017 00:04
