New tale for the Asuka Rei2015 contest, reimagining the O5 council.
I like this one. Where can I get a copy?
P.S. Can I fix some grammar errors?
P.P.S. Nevermind. JamJam already pointed it out.
If you found other errors, please leave a comment.
Edit: Thanks, corrected the taken/took one.
Edit2: Thanks Mulciber.
Found one. In the last section it says "We taken a liking" instead of "We took a liking"
I let you in on a less known fact about my personal history.
"I'll", and possibly "a little known", as that's somewhat less awkward in terms of phrasing.
We took a liking to its terminology and continued calling each others
"other"
This is good, but 200 in-game what? Days? Weeks? Years?
~🏵~Flower Power~🏵~
Years. Correcting it right now, thanks for pointing it out.
Tiny little note on grammar:
Luckily, you won't have to handle this overwhelming task alone, the game supports up to 13 co-operative players.
Got a run-on sentence there. It should be either,
Luckily, you won't have to handle this overwhelming task alone; the game supports up to 13 co-operative players.
or
Luckily, you won't have to handle this overwhelming task alone, as the game supports up to 13 co-operative players.
+1 from me - this is a fun little idea that's been developed nicely.
The piece itself is pretty straightforward, but what I really loved was thinking about all the ways that this could relate to the Foundation as we know it. Is the SCP Foundation just a part of the game? Is the game based on history? Who knows?
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I like this well enough, but I think I would enjoy it more if it felt more… authentic? I think the concept is interesting, but one of the strengths of this site is the "found document" aspect- we can convince ourselves that these documents we are reading could actually exist in the world of the Foundation. In this case, I don't really buy the article as something that could exist given what you tell us about it. That is, it isn't written in a manner I would expect game documentation or marketing materials to be, especially given the people sending it and it's target audience (the best and brightest).
I'm struggling to come up with concrete examples of what I am trying to say. I would highlight the last full paragraph in the Introduction section as a prime example. Lots of things seem phrased in such a way that feels awkward and unrealistic. Now game manuals are a dying breed and its been a while since I've read one, soI am definitely more familiar with marketing style material. But still, it feels like I am reading someone unaffiliated with the game describe it rather than someone trying to prepare me for the "fantasy" world that they have created. Things like, "for a perfect rating," and "To make this a little easier", don't really feel like something a manual would say, really. This is a simulation, not an arcade puzzler.
I know I'm not being very helpful here. Let me know if you want me to try and go into more detail.
You are right, there is room for improvement in style. If you have any specific suggestions please send me a PM or leave a comment. No need to hurry, as such edits are not allowed during the contest, so I can't do any significant change until March 11th.