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Hi guys,
Been writing my first SCP after stumbling on the site and getting intrigued by its depth and enthousiasm shown by its members. Since I like to write fiction I decided to give it a go myself.
The sandbox link is here:
http://scpsandbox2.wikidot.com/data-unknown
Thanks!
Data Unknown
I'll skip the formatting issues with this, since A: you should have read about the standard formatting in the How to Write an SCP page, and B: really, it's easy to fix, and thus doesn't matter that much, and move straight onto the concept itself.
First of all, I'd just like to say that I love ancient Mesopotamia and anything to do with it, and to see people using Mesopotamian mythology as the basis for their skips is awesome.
That said, this is extremely boring. Objects which randomly make you crazy are extremely overdone, and wouldn't be interesting even if you were the first person to do it. The fact that this was created by an angry deity doesn't really add anything either, since that's also a somewhat cliché concept.
Additionally, mythological or religious SCPs played entirely straight are boring for the same reason SCPs based on popular works of fiction are boring - If we wanted to read about the myth, we'd go read the myth. This SCP doesn't really build on or alter its mythical roots in any unique or interesting way.
I'll direct you to SCP-232-ARC, because the parallels between it and this are many. It's a generic object that makes you go crazy with a Mesopotamian myth tacked onto it, which is a lot like your SCP. Since they're so similar, the critique of 232-ARC might apply to your SCP as well, so it's discussion page might by worth a read.
Also, two things about the number you picked:
1. Currently, the only numbers open for SCPs are between 2000 and 2999. If you go to the "Series 3" page, you can see which of those numbers are still open.
2. Don't pick a number. SCP numbers are first-come, first-serve, and you shouldn't pick a number until you're actually ready to upload your SCP to the main site. Most people use "SCP-XXXX" or "SCP-X" as a placeholder to replace once they upload it.
This turned out way longer than I thought it would.
other materials tested thus far have proven non-resistant to this corrosion
Not sure why but this sentence sounds odd. It didn't make sense at first, maybe I'm just tired.
SCP-6428 is an ancient Sumerian tablet of an unknown material, at first sight identical to the Shamash Tablet currently kept in the British Museum, the latter of which
Using 'the latter of which' doesn't make sense to me in this context. I think you'd use that if you had a list of two items, where here you have one item and then a comparison to another. It's not really a list.
Like it's stone counterpart
This is the wrong form of its/it's to use here. It's means "It is" while "its" is possessive.
conclusive results regarding the nature and origin of its material have eluded the SCP to this day
I'm pretty sure the Foundation doesn't refer to itself as "SCP" (correct me if I'm wrong). Even so, that's not how I'd word that sentence.
Dr. [REDACTED]
Instead of redacting something as short as a name, you could come up with one or use blackboxes (█ / Alt+219) to censor it out. I use [REDACTED]/[DATA EXPUNGED] when it's a large amount of information, at least a sentence, while I use blackboxes for one or two words.
non-organic materials will begin degrading from as early as 1 hour after exposure
From one hour to what? You give a bottom limit and no upper limit. It'd work better if the word 'from' was taken out.
but the mysterious nature of it's
In this situation you'd use "its".
extremely great age makes it difficult
to prove wether this is indeed true
There's a strange enter in there. Also, whether is spelled wrong.
Background Information:
Minor thing but I think you could just put this section into the description.
marine by the name of [REDACTED]
colleagues serving with Mr. [CLASSIFIED]
Not sure why you switched from REDACTED to CLASSIFIED. Maybe to differentiate between the two? If so, I'd find a different way to do that. Or, again, come up with arbitrary names.
Mr. [REDACTED] was observed as increasingly paranoid, apathetic, and began mumbling strange words and sentences, incomprehensible to his colleagues.
This sentence is odd to me.. not sure why.
given different accounts of what was read
All of these accounts differ from one another
They are different and they differ. Remove one or the other to get rid of that redundancy.
yet to surface to this day
Again, redundant, "yet to" and "to this day" sort of mean the same thing. I'd remove "to this day".
SCP security
Again, I don't think they refer to the Foundation as "SCP".
has until this day proven to be the most resourceful
'Until this day' makes me think he isn't useful anymore. Did something happen to them?
As described in report [REDACTED]
I see no use in redacting a report ID.
You don't understand, dr.
Dr. would be capitalized.
You DONT UNDERSTAND
Don't forget the apostrophe in "DON'T".
Him. He. Mad. Stars. Behind. Yes. You see. He who is behind the stars. He. Speaks to me. ARGH. In my head. Was here before. Long. Stars. Long ago. He.
I had a hard time reading this. Be sure to read out your dialog and make sure it sounds natural, or that it fits what was going on.
were later found on SCP-6428s chest.
You mean SCP-6428/002. SCP-6428 was the tablet.
This platinum case is to be contained in a 2x2x2m room in Site 19.
Why so specific? If you have the box, just keep it with the other regular objects. There's nothing special that requires a 2x2x2m room.
extremely corrosive to any material but platinum
I don't really understand the significance of platinum, or if there is any.
or if the material can be dated using radiocarbon methods at all
But.. you just said it was about two million years old. If that is suspected to be incorrect, make that clear in the first place.
all of the exposed personnel eventually went insane
That's a dangerous thing to try. I've heard it called "thing what makes you crazy" and a lot of people dislike these. Not saying that you should remove it, I'm saying that it may not work if you don't do it right.
Also, you shouldn't just say "they went insane". That's a bit anticlimactic and vague. "Insane" isn't that well defined, and we're talking about the Foundation, they can't deal with vague. So, specifics. It's anticlimactic because you're just immediately telling us what's weird. There's no buildup.
It must be rebuilt, or we will all..oh God..we all..
Not sure where this came from. I don't get the 'impending apocalypse' vibe from this one any time before this.
Overall… meh. I'm not into it. I think this kind of ancient tablet idea may have been done. Not sure where, it just sounds like something I'd see somewhere already. Be sure to look around.
The story isn't really implemented into the first part of the draft, and even some of the interview. The whole apocalypse thing really caught me off guard, and not in a good way.
I was going to comment on the number you chose, but I saw Cyclopian already did, so I won't.
Be sure to go for something unique and interesting. Get the reader hooked on it around the beginning. For me, it took quite a while to get to the real story you were trying to tell, and even then it wasn't exactly clear what was happening.
When dishing out feedback, i tend to keep out mistakes that are related to grammar and typos in general and the formatting. However, it is valid to point out: We have a standardized formatting model and your article is not likely to succeed if you attempt to change it for your first one. That given, please suit your image to the aforementioned settings. In addition, try not to pick a number for your article before you post it. As a last remark, at time of writing, article numbers range from 001 to 2999.
Now, for the draft itself: Your tone is a little bit too simple when describing the main asset of your article. By doing that, you abdicate from adding information that can succeed on making the reader attached to the article until the end. There is a significant amount of terms attached to historical background that lack a basic explanation and this makes me feel like i am either not supposed to read this, or that you are trying to explain it to an infant. In addition, the usage of "the SCP" as a moniker for your object is also not advised. There is plenty of vocabulary that can be used to substitute this (i.e "the asset", "the object").
Also, what bothers me the most is that there is a lot of buildup to reveal a single anomalous property and the overwhelming presence of redaction on your background information, added to the presence of a story that is not interesting at all. Then, in the end, it seems like, in an attempt to fix it and to hook the reader in the last minute, you end it with a very artificial interview.
So, as it is, i don't think your article is ready to be published on the mainsite. It's lacking in background and its extremely verbose. Don't be alarmed, though: It takes a lot of attempts for an article to be approved by the readership, and you can't please everyone.
Good luck!
First off, given the dimensions of the box you described and some quick math (figuring a 1 cm thick box just to make it easy on myself) it comes out to a cost of $2,649,402 based on today's rate for Platinum. That is one expensive box. Why not simply use ceramics? They are more impervious to corrosives than metals and FAR less reactive to anything that you can throw at them.
That being said…
Any other materials tested thus far have proven non-resistant to this corrosion.
"All other materials tested have shown susceptibility to corrosion from SCP-XXXX."
The box should not feature any opening or window whatsoever that might allow the cuneiform text to be visible to the human eye.
"The box must be kept tightly sealed at all times to ensure that personnel are not exposed to the cuneiform writing on SCP-XXXX."
This platinum case is to be contained in a 2x2x2m room in Site 19.
Move this up and integrate it with the first sentence.
First sentence would be re-worked as: "Due to the heavily corrosive nature of its material,
SCP-XXXX is to be contained in a box of approx. 40x25x10cm of pure (at least .9996) platinum contained within a 2 M3 room at Site 19."
SCP-6428 is an ancient Sumerian tablet of an unknown material, at first sight identical to the Shamash Tablet currently kept in the British Museum, the latter of which was unearthed by archaeologist Hormuzd Rassam in 1881 at Abū Habbah, Iraq.
Tone issues. Maybe something like: "SCP-XXXX is an ancient Sumerian tablet composed of an unknown material identical in appearance to the Shamash Tablet contained at the British Museum in London." Just leave out the part about who unearthed the Shamash Tablet, it contributes nothing to this story.
Like it's stone counterpart, SCP-6428 features an image of Shamash, the Babylonian sun-god, seated under an awning and holding the rod and ring, symbols of divine authority.
Tone issues again. "Similar to the Shamash Tablet, SCP-XXXX features an image of Shamash…" etc.
The symbols of the Sun, Moon and Venus are above him with another large sun symbol supported by two divine attendants.
Guess what? Tone again. "The symbols for Sun, Moon, and Venus appear above Shamash with a larger sun symbol supported by two divine attendants."
The artifact has been subjected to a large number of tests and examinations, but conclusive results regarding the nature and origin of its material have eluded the SCP to this day.
Tone waaaaaay off here. "SCP-XXXX has been subjected to an exhaustive array of tests, none of which have been able to determine the nature and origin of the material that SCP-XXXX is manufactured from."
The material is not found anywhere else on earth.
Leave this out. It is conjecture based on what was put in previously and doesn't belong.
Due to this uniqueness, some such as Dr. [REDACTED] have put forth the hypothesis that it might have an extraterrestrial origin.
Same thing. Conjecture. If you want to include references to it, add a statement to the end of the previous sentence and make it something like: "…nature and origin of the material that SCP-XXXX is manufactured from other than determining that it is not of Terrestrial origin."
Although appearing like granite at first glance, it can neither be classified as stone or metal, and it has shown to be extremely corrosive to any material but platinum, although SCP-6428 has not shown any harmful effects on organic matter.
Tone issues. Keep your tone as dry and clinical as possible. "The material has the visible appearance of ordinary granite; however, testing has shown properties similar to both stone and metal. The material is corrosive to any material other than platinum and will dissolve inorganic matter that comes into contact with it within 60 minutes. The corrosion has not been shown to have any effect on organic matter."
When exposed to SCP-6428, non-organic materials will begin degrading from as early as 1 hour after exposure, although the starting point, duration, and severeness vary greatly depending on hardness, thickness and pureness of said materials.
"Inorganic materials exposed to SCP-XXXX do not suffer corrosion equally. The rate of corrosion appears to vary depending on the density of the material exposed, it's purity and length of time that it is exposed to SCP-XXXX."
Now… This begs a question… Does the corrosion continue after SCP-XXXX has been removed? If you set it on a concrete pedestal and removed it after two hours, would the corrosive effect continue, or would it halt? What kind of residue is left behind?
Radiocarbon dating on SCP-6428 showed the age of the inscriptions as being 2,563,697 years, but the mysterious nature of it's material, as well as the extremely great age makes it difficult to prove wether this is indeed true, or if the material can be dated using radiocarbon methods at all.
Spelling, tone and science are all way off here. Radiocarbon dating works reliably only for organic material. An item such as this that is composed of non-organic material would show radiocarbon date results only for any organic residue left on it.
Spelling wise: It's spelled "whether" not "wether".
I'm stopping where I did because I've hit my "Trope Limit." It's a generic magic item that provokes a rage state in people. Nothing interesting there at all. It might have worked as a Series I item, but not where the site is now. I would recommend reading the Top Rated Series II and III Articles as well as The Guides and try again. The concept just isn't there. Start with a great story and build an item around that. What it looks like you've done here is started with an item and tried to build a story around it.
