Here's the link to my first SCP: http://scpsandbox2.wikidot.com/dr-major
Hello. Here's my POV of the draft:
subject(s) will strongly object if eye contact with SCP-2420 is broken in any way
Do you mean by the subject "object[ing]"? (Dictionary.com defines the verb "object" as "to offer a reason or argument in opposition") I guess you're trying to say that the subject is compelled to look at the SCP. But "object" is not the word you're looking for.
As a side-note (though more trivial), I feel you can just use the term "the subject" rather than "subject(s)". It's easier to type out anyway.
along with the words PROPERTY OF THE ARCANE INSTITUTE can be seen.
Uh, pardon me for saying this, but are you attempting to intro a new GoI? While I am no expert in the site's ways, I don't think this will do well for the article. Most GoI in the Foundationverse run on a unique gimmick to operate and exist (e.g. GOC with the "destroy anomalies" gig or MC&D's high-class auctions gig or the Fifthist's new age religion gimmick). What this article has shown thus far does not lend itself to unveil this GoI very well.
I am alright with putting the "Arcane Institute" there, but the way you're writing this gives the implication that you want them to be a standing GoI in the Foundationverse. If said GoI is interesting, it will stand.
The painting is somehow generating its own body temperature, which measures at 90ºCelcius.
Uh, won't "body temperature" imply that the subject in question has bodily processes? If the painting's identified as a living organism, I can work with that. However, 90 ºC is really hot. I never tried touching something that hot before, but I'm quite reasonably sure that being dehydrated is the least of problems (compared to being scalded or fried).
Things to address:
- The info from the very last addendum can be stated alongside the description.
- Beyond being a portrait with an anomalous effect that is apparently tied to an unknown group, there's very little to it. You may want to consider putting in a bit more context here, like why this SCP does what it does or the motivations of making such a thing etc.?
Object Class: Euclid
This is Safe. Class is based on the difficulty of containment, not danger. In this case, locking it up and not letting people see it is all that's required, and is generally considered the definition of "Safe".
SCP-2420 is to be kept in a room sealed by a Level Two security lock.
This ain't the game. A "level two security lock" isn't a thing on the site.
2420 must be concealed by a curtain which can be opened and closed automatically via remote control
What's wrong with putting it in a locked metal box of appropriate size?
No personnel should look at SCP-2420 for longer than six minutes.
I would think that it's best if Personnel weren't supposed to look at it in the first place.
At the twelve minute mark, the subject(s) will enter the severe stage of dehydration, in which case the test will be aborted without delay.
… Why are the tests being aborted? We have D-class personnel, whose job description is basically "human experimentation on SCPs, even if its lethal". There's a reason that they are death-row inmates and/or clones, you know.
Perhaps more interesting than the painting is the crate itself.
Tonal issue. Subjective statements like this have no place in SCP documentation outside of direct quotes of someone else.
and is considering adding them to the Groups of Interest list.
I see no reason that this needs to be mentioned.
Also found in the crate is an overview report of SCP-2420 from the Institute.
And why aren't the contents of this report included in the Article?
reveals a startling discovery
Again, subjective statements have no place in SCP articles.
The painting is somehow generating its own body temperature
Body temperature implies that it is a living thing: does a furnace get hot or does a furnace emit body heat? We have no evidence that the paunting is alive in any sense of the word.
but it might explain how it produces its anomalous power.
Unsubstantiated hypotheses do not have a place in SCP documentation. If you write something like this, you need an explanation for why it might explain the anomalous property of the SCP. And we never refer to anomalous properties as "powers".
This is a compulsion effect coupled with something that will kill you. This is a very cliche trope on the site, and may cause readers to loose intrest because of how overused it is. It looks like you want to set up a new GoI. If that's what you want to do, then you should get a solid idea of what ypur GoI is about, and compare it to the list of GoIs first. Then you write your SCP with the GoI in mind. It's a lot better than tacking it onto an otherwise unrelated article. I will say that this kind of object fits more in line with Are We Cool Yet's theme: a work of art that is anomalous and whose effects are centered on what it's about. It could easily be one of AWCY's members making a statement about the "dryness of mainstream art" and those who appreciate it.
As for the SCP proper, it needs a warway to get the reader invested. The easiest means to do so is by telling a story or narrative with it. Half the time, a good SCP isn't just about the object itself, but of the events surrounding it. And that means more than tests. Who made it and why? What happened when it was discovered?
Hi there, dankaar. Thanks for the critique. Let me respond to you with a bulleted list:
- I'm currently amending my mistakes right now, including that "body temperature" fumble (I don't even know why I typed that.)
- I'm also including the Arcane Institute Article, which I didn't include because it was originally going to be a separate page. Are We Cool Yet's involvement will be explained in this article.
- Speaking of the Institute, I've already fleshed out the group. In fact, you could make a wiki out of it. I could use some help with it though.
- I know that the whole compulsion effect anomaly has been done to death, but its my first SCP, so I was expecting this criticism. I can do better than this.
Edit: Okay, I have updated the draft. Hope you like it.
It seems that the Institute was in the process of transporting SCP-2420 to a more secure facility when they were seemingly attacked by Are We Cool Yet?
This is way out of character for AWCY. It's like portraying Cobra Commander as a smart, well-spoken philanthropist. The AWCY information on the GoI is really dated. The "terrorism" they do would basically be as I mentioned earlier- one of their members creates the painting as a pretentious criticism on the "dryness of mainstream art and those who enjoy it", and try to get it installed in a museum or public collection.
The shtick of AWCY is generally to incorporate anomalous properties into their works as an avant-garde public "statement". If one wants to make the statement that capitalism is bad, they might make an art thing that causes people to suddenly value a worthless thing and work themselves to the bone trying to get more of that thing while others might explout the former for more worthless things, and then install it near a bank or Wall Street.
Also, the Foundation probably wouldn't use the acronym "AWCY?" in the report unless it was a quote from elsewhere.
Furthermore, it's surprising that the Foundation seems to have been blindsided by the Arcane Institute. In some headcanons, the Foundation has existed since at least the late 1800's, and has a worldwide presence. Your GoI has clearly existed long enough to be an international presence, so why is the Foundation just now learning of it?!? The University gets a pass because they're generally assumed to be from a different dimension, and AWCY? is a movement without anything resembling a leadership. Almost all the other GoIs are as old as the Foundation itself, or were generally known to exist before they were imprtant enough to be noticed. Finally, I'm not seeing how the Arcane Institute is anything other than a Foundation Clone… which is filled by ORIA, GRU Division "P", UIU, Global Occult Organization, and the Chaos Insurgency.
Okay, final draft. I'll make any changes if necessary. http://scpsandbox2.wikidot.com/dr-major
I liked it. Good luck with that new GoI, people here are not-so-friendly with such things cofcoftheywillbiteyourneckcofcof
The only thing i find to flashy to my taste is a O5 defending the Institute as if he was his football team.
I have no idea why you say or think this. GoIs don't need to be on the Groups of Interest page to exist, and adding it to that page really only requires that you write a few successful tales and scips. You can then ask staff for permission to add it. Staff will then review the number of articles and tales, their rating, the number of authors involved etc., and either permit you to add it or tell you what you need to eventually do so.
I like the idea of a new G.O.I that basically outdoes The Foundation at the containment game, but you might want to write a few more things for them to have connection to in order to give them a firmer standing here. Right now they have this one SCP that may not even get accepted, so maybe write more SCP's where they get involved or a tale or two so we get a better idea of who they are and what they do.
Don't worry, I've got a couple of tales I plan on writing. Glad you liked it :).
I'm currently writing an Orientation for the Arcane Institute. I'll post the first draft once it's finished.
EDIT: Okay it's done. Here's the link: http://scpsandbox2.wikidot.com/arcane-institute-orientation
As of yesterday, the article is deleted. Its probably for the best.