SCP Foundation

Hi all,

The draft I'd like feedback on is here: http://scpsandbox2.wikidot.com/angfal

My biggest problem with it is that the twist in Addendum C isn't exactly mine. I got it from Peter Watts' Echopraxia, where it's a semi-major plot element from the very beginning (incidentally, read Blindsight if you haven't), although some cursory research has shown that it's been tossed around by Steven Pinker and several other prominent members of that field since 1874 or so. So maybe it doesn't matter. I named two of the researchers after Watts' biologists and the Site Director after Watts to try and hang a lampshade on that, but I don't know whether that's even worse than the original problem.

Anyway, some feedback would be appreciated. Worst case, the tapeworms'll be mental replicants of their hosts while turning the original brains to mush or something.

Thanks!

Formatting point of order: Species names are written in italics with the genus capitalized and the species uncapitalized, and every reference to a species in the same genus can leave the genus abbreviated afterward (but must still be included.) If you discuss Bullshittius dresdenae, and you need to mention further members of the Bullshittius genus, you have to include the B in Bullshittius when you discuss B. martinius.

Additionally, when you write temperatures, you don't need to superscript the number zero. I usually just google "degree symbol", which pulls up "°" without much extra effort.

You might check your draft for ambiguous phrasings, such as:

The eggs can survive temperatures up to 125°C and exposure to bleach solutions, both of which radically improve its odds of survival in hospital environments.

When you use the phrase "both of which", it makes it sound like high temperatures and bleach improve its odds of survival (i.e. actively help foster its growth and development), rather than survivability when exposed to high temperature and bleach.

Your redactions could use some work, too; there's a little bit of overuse here, especially of things that can just be made up, like the name of the hospital that T. provectus was first discovered in. Redactions should be used as minimally as possible.

When it gets down to the fundamental idea as a whole…you're in a bizarre spot. Technically speaking, I've never seen this exact idea before. But more generally speaking, we have lots of mind-controlling SCPs, and lots of parasites, and at least a few mind-controlling parasites. It's a fairly old idea in science fiction. I can't say that this is the most interesting or revolutionary execution of the concept. As when I threw my hat into the ring with this subject matter, it's just too easy to get bogged down in the exact details of biology of how the organism works, which is way more interesting and satisfying to research and compose than it is to read.

If you can slim down the science, that'd be good. If you can get something resembling a hook that differentiates this from other SCPs of a similar nature, isolate it, and make it stand out more, that'd be better.