'Six' (Working title)

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zoro4661
Date: 05 Apr 2015 22:19
Number of posts: 4

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Summary:

Requesting some criticism for my first draft.

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'Six' (Working title)

zoro4661 05 Apr 2015 22:19

http://scpsandbox2.wikidot.com/zoro4661

I'd like to have some criticism on my first attempt at making an SCP. Since my native language is german, I'd appreciate it if you would tell me about any language mistakes I made.

There are some things with this draft that I'm not sure about yet:
- The interview might be too long.
- I was thinking about adding a picture of SCP-XXXXs gun (this one), but I don't know if it would do the draft any good.
- The description is probably too long, but I don't know what to remove.

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Unfold 'Six' (Working title) by

zoro4661, 05 Apr 2015 22:19

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Re: 'Six' (Working title)

Palaios 06 Apr 2015 07:05

The subject of the article is the biggest issue here. It is basically a generic superhuman with a very random assortment of powers. Is there an underlying theme/connection between its object hoarding, teleportation, reality hopping, zombifying blood, disappearing skin, etc..?

This generally seems really scattered and over the top, in its current form. If you are really set on writing a huminod maybe read this guide, and then pick one aspect and work from there.

The grammar is largely okay. There are few specific issues e.g:

Infected D-Class personnel counts, both dead and alive

counts should be count so as to agree with the noun,

Since the ██/██/████ SCP-XXXX is ordered to take out all instances of SCP-XXXX-2.

The "the" isn't necessary. For whatever reason dates written in numeric form don't get articles. Also "take out" is a very informal phrase to see in an official document.

If you hadn't said that your native language wasn't English I probably wouldn't have guessed.

Last edited on 06 Apr 2015 07:07 by Palaios Show more

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Palaios, 06 Apr 2015 07:05

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Re: 'Six' (Working title)

zoro4661 06 Apr 2015 11:09

Thanks for the feedback Palaios, I appreciate it.

- I was actually under the impression I deleted the part about the disappearing skin, but my internet is basically broken right now so I guess the draft didn't safe properly.
- I added the poisonous blood because of the whole "He's from another dimension" thing.
- The object hoarding was a trait I added because I didn't want SCP-XXXX to be just some dude teleporting around the facility. We have SCP-507 (Though 507 does the teleporting more or less random) for that. There was supposed to be some kind of aggressive thing about it, but I see how it's random.
- I somehow missed that guide, I'm gonna start reading after writing this reply.
- Thanks for the grammar help. I changed the draft accordingly.

I've got kind of an off-topic question, if you don't mind. Why are some the numbers on the SCP pages written like "one (1)" or "1 (one)"? I'm not sure if it's only done in some cases, or always, or whatever else. If you don't know what I'm talking about, it's used here, for example.

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zoro4661, 06 Apr 2015 11:09

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Re: 'Six' (Working title)

Palaios 06 Apr 2015 22:18

That is purely a style choice. It's something that is occasionally used in real documents for clarity/redundancy purposes and some people use it to help create that sort of dry technical tone. Personally it is not a stylistic choice that I particularly enjoy. I find it breaks up the flow of the sentence in return for a relatively small gain in verisimilitude (particularly given how little the documents resemble actual technical documents).

If you haven't, I'd also recommend reading some of the series 2 and 3 skips to see what kind of Skips in general and humanoid skips in particular have been successful recently. As this currently seems like it is largely inspired from the series one stuff (not necessarily bad, it just means that it covers well tread ground and will need to be especially good to stick on the mainlist)

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Unfold Re: 'Six' (Working title) by

Palaios, 06 Apr 2015 22:18

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page revision: 3, last edited: 22 Sep 2018 03:57

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