SCP Foundation

It wasn't long before he started getting tired of the view, and left to care for his grandmother Acacia; god knew if the servants ever did.

You'd capitalize God here.

The remaining tasks were self-explanatory:

They're not self-explanatory for most people, so you might have to reword that somehow.

grabbed fifty five pounds

"fifty-five", unless Stuart is grabbing 50 five-pound…. things. :P

Maybe he thought that since Stuart was so groggy, he was just waking up, but for Stuart, he would be going to bed, since doing things were so much simpler when everyone was asleep.

This bit is confusing, and I had to read it over a few times to figure out what was happening or being said.

Besides, if she goes, then I would have to too."

Whenever you continue someone's dialog into another paragraph, you need a quotation mark at the start of it. No need for a quotation mark at the end of the paragraph until they stop speaking (which is the case here).

Stuart always wished that he could save them all, but she never tired.

I think you're missing a word in the second part of that sentence.

At the age of fifty-three, Acacia was far older than most women, she'd had her life, but he hadn't.

Run-on, or else you're mashing two sentences together here. Semi-colon instead of that second comma, or just make the second part of that sentence its own sentence.

Five a day was the usual, but he decided to make seven this time for fairly obvious reasons.

It's fairly obvious? How come?

"Mr. Hayward?" She said with a slight Irish accent, turning her head enough to glance at the door, and reveal that the lower half of her face was covered by a doctor's face mask.

"She" would be lowercase. "reveal" is "revealed".

"Oh, good, you received my note: I was worried I might have to run out after you for a bit."

That colon would be a semicolon.

"I was just preparing some tea, you like camomile, yes?"

Is this meant to be a run-on?

"Oh, how rude of me: I didn't even put my name on that card, did I?"

Semicolon here too.

"She specified that she didn't want you to know of me until it was necessary, and you have inherited my services: my apologies, I realize how off-putting this might sound to you."

That second part should be its own sentence.

Stuart hadn't even picked up his cup yet, he was too taken aback to appreciate it.

This reads oddly as one single sentence. It's not the kind of thing that comes off well in written text when framed like this, and I can't think of any case where that'd be the case. It works better when speaking it aloud, rather than written.

Internally, Stuart was almost baffled. This creature, whose ilk is infamous in their lies and deceit, is offering her hand in friendship? He snapped back with "What's the catch?"

This could use a bit of reworking. You don't need "internally" here. Also ending the part with dialog reads weirdly. If Stuart is baffled, how does he snap back a reply? It sounds like he'd have a bit of hesitation in his voice. Maybe one of these?:

Stuart was almost baffled. This creature, whose ilk is infamous in their lies and deceit, is offering her hand in friendship? "What's the catch?" he snapped back.

or:

"What's the catch?" Stuart replied, nearly baffled. This creature, whose ilk is infamous in their lies and deceit, is offering her hand in friendship?

Whichever can get across Stuart's near-bafflement better. I didn't modify what he said (which could also work), but rather how the section of dialog is arranged.

Clovis, mildly surprised, responded "Oh, well, there's little I can do to prepare you for it. Are you sure?"

Could probably restructure by putting "Clovis, mildly surprised, responded" after the first sentence, then continuing the dialog after. Also maybe rewording that to "Clovis responded, mildly surprised."

She paused for a moment, and sighed "If you insist."

She sighed out a sentence? I think there's a period missing after "sighed."

She had not hands, but two long, sharp bones, shaped in such a way reminiscent of a praying mantis, her neck had a deep scar across it, as if it had been all but decapitated years ago, but then expertly stitched together.

This is a really big run-on. Break this down into more sentences.

She looked to Stuart, and in response, donned her coat and said "I am sorry, Mr. Hayward, I'll just put this back on."

The dialog should come first here, since it'd make more sense for her to don her coat after saying this.

"Well, if those stories involve me killing them, no. A couple used to live there long before you were conceived. I knew they traveled a lot. Unfortunately though, the husband died of a sort of heart disease while the widow left behind had long since moved away… Poor dear… she was childless too. She probably couldn't stand to even look at the place, let alone go through the processes of selling it… Ever since, I've been living there, keeping it clean, hiding from public view. I knew how much you love books; it was only a matter of time before it at least caught your eye.

This whole bit uses more ellipses than is probably needed. The first one seems fine to me, but the rest, probably not.

I admit, I had to push the odds in my favor to get you in the door regularly. At least until…"

Needs quotation mark at the start of this.

"That's… That's good to hear…

If Clovis is trailing off here, probably good to mention it after this bit of dialog. Otherwise, no need for the second ellipsis.

They may just want their voices to be heard

You have done good Unsworth

Both of these need the quotation mark at the start of it. Also, Clovis's dialog seems to drag on a lot with no pause. Is she still just standing and talking to Unsworth? Is she moving around or doing some kind of action? What about Unsworth? My personal preference is that on occasion, you should punctuate their dialog with some kind of action., so we get an idea of what's happening or how they're speaking, etc. Not after every line, mind, but just enough so that the reader can get a good visualization of it.

"I did. More than like even… Though, I think I'm over grieving.

This reads confusingly. Is she continuing the thought? Is this a new sentence? Is she over grieving someone, or is she overgrieving?

"Of course, I understand,"she finished, reaching for her parasol and making her way towards the door.

Needs a space before "she".

He practically blurted out "Mercury, sulfur, gold, silver, iron, copper, salt, organics, and tin."

"He practically blurted out the answers." would probably work better here.

In my case, I'm mostly going to be using it so I can use my hands as an outlet."

Quotation mark at beginning.

Clovis gave a sigh of relief "Good.

Switch those around so it's ""Good." Clovis gave a sigh of relief."

"…"

You could probably do with having Stuart's actions written out here. Would also help with Reach reading it :P

And with that, Stuart grabbed Clovis's arm and led her out back, all the while telling Stuart repeatedly to slow down.

The way this is worded, it sounds like Stuart is telling himself to slow down.

There are some beings who are just born knowing

What I've just done for you is give you the arcane equivalent of training wheels…

Quotation marks here. Also, that paragraph starting with "There are some beings who are just born knowing" seems to be a run-on.

You aren't keeping it by the way, this is just here for the next half-hour," Clovis looked over to the side.

Comma should be a period.

"Actually, speaking of, I have a present for you. Look behind the tree!~"

You wouldn't use tildes in formal writing like this, I believe. If Clovis is shifting to a more playful style of speaking, you should denote that.

and in a steep, rough voice, asked the doctor "Is this where I might find the Hayward boy?"

Probably should do a bit of restructuring here. ""Is this where I might find the Hayward boy?" he asked the doctor in a steep, rough voice." perhaps?

It was at this moment, that Stuart realized he had never even seen a train before, only read brief references to them.

You don't need that first comma.

It reminded him more of an iron snake with the way it twists around corners, keeping to its rails, or, with the cranks, eccentrics, and side rods circulating around its many wheels in a hypnotic dance, perhaps an 'iron centipede' would be a better descriptive.

Another run-on.

Then again, those names don't have the same weight, or likability, as 'iron horse'. Horse implies power, speed, and a means of transport, while the names that came to mind just describe its appearance.

I don't think you need any of this. It just seems extraneous. "Regardless, Stuart was in awe as he entered the spacious cabin." could fit onto the end of the previous paragraph.

The child seemed slightly younger than Stuart, being slightly shorter than him.

The repetition of "slightly" here is a bit weird to read.

em

There's meant to be an apostrophe hanging before this, right?

NTS: Come back to this later. For everything I feel like implying later on, come back here and remove it.

Still have this there :P You are right though; a lot of this conversation doesn't feel necessary, as I'd rather learn about why Espen is "off" through implications and off-hand remarks or actually seeing it, rather than a giant exposition dump. As the author, you'd probably know what's better to cut, but if you want a general starting point, everything from "Ever since that job…" to "… How does this place exist?" could probably stand to go, or else be reworked into the other bits of dialog.

Look, Morgan has the professionals do the complicated things, like running the shops and whatnot.

Quotation mark.

Joey saw the confused look on Stuart's face, wondering why Joey seemed so accepting of it all.

This seems like a clash of two POV's happening at once, so it's weird to read.

"Suppose I should put my things away: I didn't get around to that yesterday."

Semicolon.

He needed to come out sometime, might as well be now, rather than later.

Run-on, since it reads like you mashed two different sentences together. Start a sentence at "Might as well".

Turning left into the dark halls, Stuart open ended his eyes widely in the hopes that perhaps his eyes would adjust to the darkness faster.

What does "open ended" mean here? I didn't really get what Stuart was doing.

Oh, and there are nine others like it."

You could probably find a way to integrate this into the previous bit of dialog with a bit more tact and have it be less flow-disrupting than this.

General concern about Chapter 9. Stuart is writing in a journal for Clovis. We, as the audience, don't know any of Stuart or Clovis's interactions aside from what we're being told. On the flip-side, if Clovis and Stuart know what they've done, why does Stuart need to go into detail about their time together? That's a conundrum, and my only suggestion is that you figure out a good balance between telling us what Stuart and Clovis did and Stuart only needing to write down what's really needed. If he remembers certain details that he wants to recall about Clovis or their interactions, that can be written down, but it feels odd as a literary device to tell us of everything they've done when both of them will be aware of it.

Her parents have come to me to try and bring that little girl back. Do you hear me Rachel? Your parents are worried about you."

Quotation mark at the beginning.

which was very uncharacteristic of him from what I've seen.

"from what I've heard" perhaps?

They said god was with him. I'm not religious at all, but if I was, I'd say that there is no god here.

Is Stuart not capitalizing "God" here on purpose?

I noticed something during: you didn't really showing me any notes.

"show me any notes", unless this is intentional.

preforming

"performing", unless this is intentional.

I don't want to get used to this, but the more I look into this, the more I am… I'm ready.

The more Stuart is used to this, or the more he's ready? This isn't exactly clear.

Morgan's been geasing people to come?

I have no idea what this is supposed to be.

Clovis Remained seated for what, to her, seemed like weeks.

Her last name is "Remained"? :P You should lowercase that.

He'd be at the first hound right about now

First Hound should be capitalized there, right?

probably trying to find a way to introduce himself to the First Hound owner, so he wouldn't miss it.

The continuation of that sentence makes this seem like a run-on, or at least hard to follow.

Not many shops were open around this time at night, only a few restraunts and the First Hound, none of which were too close to where she needed to go anyways, so it wasn't likely that she'd be discovered by going outside this once.

Run-on.

She had a half-decent disguise besides.

The placement of "besides" is a bit weird, and you could place this with the next sentence. "She had a half-decent disguise; it'd take a close look to find something amiss about her."

It was odd seeing this sort of door inside, a door so huge, a smaller door installed within it was a necessity.

I can't parse this sentence or what it's saying, and it reads like a run-on anyway.

She creeped the doors open, it was unlocked.

Did you mean for the comma to be a semicolon?

That probably means someone is inside, or left for just a moment Clovis thought to herself, quietly peering inside and clutching.

Comma after "moment".

she found the one page that did,

Period there instead of comma.

Did he see me? Fuck, fuck, fuck, she said to herself, hoping that she hadn't blown her cover.

You could get rid of the ", she said to herself" and reword it to "She hoped her cover wasn't blown." as it flows better that way. Also, it seems just a bit strange that she swears like this, considering her demeanor and character (but if I were in her position, surely I would too :P)

It was dark, Stuart might have missed it if he came along, but Clovis could hear the sound of muffled steps on metal towards the back.

The middle bit of this sentence seems out-of-place. What's the relevance here? If you wanna keep it, find a better way to include it and reword the sentence a bit.

"Clovis, come on in! I've been dying to see you," the voice implying itself to be Fredrick exclaimed.

What does "implying itself" mean? We know it's Fredrick already, as you mentioned it earlier.

Crawling out from beneath and climbing on top of the set to find the door to Morgan's quarters, she prayed to herself,

You could end the sentence here, then capitalize "please" to start the next sentence.

"No, how could I?… Where are you?"

If she's pausing and looking around to try and find Fredrick, you should type that out as an action, or else remove the ellipsis.

Sent me here, to a business partner of his, of whom, I have the displeasure of knowing."

You could include this in the paragraph instead of giving it its own line; it doesn't have any particular impact of its own.

"… You know, I've been expecting this question ever since Suwaird was reborn?

This doesn't seem like a question. Is he questioning him expecting this question? This is unclear, unless you meant a period there.

"W-well just back to the way things were!

Doesn't seem like he'd be stuttering here, somehow.

And now that you and Suwaird, or Stuart I should say

I've been following Pitch Haven since I stumbled upon it, and not once did I pick any of this up. Even if it's a spoiler and you can't tell me, have you referenced this before? If not, casually throwing something like… like this seems a bit heavy and sudden.

It seems like Fredrick ends up agreeing with Clovis more easily than I'd have thought. It seems a bit weird. He doesn't even try to put up a single counter-argument.

"I'm… glad, we can come to a consensus.

No need for comma.

He was right about one thing, there really was nothing to lose.

Colon here, I believe! I think. Not too sure about this bit.

If the child was allowed to preform

Perform.

The sound it spoke was sweeter than honey, but thunderous enough to welcome the harshest crowd. Triumphant, perhaps was the right word.

The metaphor here seems to drag out a little bit too long.

He had been nervous, at least briefly, but the excitement he had had for the moment took over any feeling of anxiety he may have had, and knowing that Clovis was in all likelihood hiding within earshot made Stuart feel so much more calm about going on stage.

Run-on.

off key

Off-key.

Stuart began, still somewhat anxious about going on in a matter of seconds

Missing period.

and found the manager observing the crowd 's reactions.

Extra space after "crowd".

"… Well, I loose nothing out of it,

Lose.

The differences in the crowds seemed negligible at first, Father Morgan's communion outnumbered Stuart's audience by a hundred to one.

You could keep this as one sentence, saying "The differences in the crowds seemed negligible at first, with Father Morgan's communion outnumbering Stuart's audience by a hundred to one.".

"Stupid dog!… You did this on purpose! You were supposed to be honest with me!"

You don't need the ellipsis here. Also, maybe you could find something more fitting than "stupid dog"? It seems weird for this pastor to say, and it reminds me too much of Courage the Cowardly Dog not to laugh when I'm supposed to take this seriously.

Morgan gave a sigh of relief, and smiled "Thank you.

Missing period.

He opened his eyes to see himself between the blades of a large pair of rusty scissors. Stuart yelped "C-Clovis! Help!"

You could make the dialog its own line here. Also, probably something harsher than a yelped, like "yelled" or "screamed", considering the danger he's in.

Stuart mumbled "Father Morgan?"

Switch this around.

"…"

I know this is so you don't have to keep typing out "Epsen was still silent." but it still seems a bit weird typed out like this. Hrmm.

The pastor continued, prying Stuart's left eye open

Missing period. You could also move this after "Hush child!".

Morgan placed his hand on the boy's forehead, raised his pick, and proclaimed "then it shall be, in the name of our lord and master, our king who made the great fire and oversaw the creation of our world, our universe, and ourselves, I. CLEANSE. YO-"

This could be framed better, since it seems awkward to move around or reword.

Morgan placed his hand on the boy's forehead, raised his pick, and preached to the crowd before him.

"Then it shall be, in the name of our Lord and Master, our King who made the great fire and oversaw the creation of our world, our universe, and ourselves! I. CLEANSE. YO-"

Would that be fine?

The day or two things went black seemed like mear seconds, but the last few hours before he came to felt like days.

I don't understand this sentence or its meaning. Also, you mean "mere" here.

Any blurred Vision or headaches?

Lowercase "Vision" here.

There is a reunion is coming

Extra "is" there.

They still need my help for it, and so long as I'm alongside the Wolf, I can try and prevent the former.

Clovis wants to prevent a celebration? If you mean she wants to prevent Armageddon, then you mean "latter". I can't see why she'd want to prevent something good happening though.

You needed to come into being securely, the wolf needed to come into being properly, I needed you to know how to perform, and just… so, so many things.

This is very unclear. "Being securely"? "being properly"? The rest of the sentence also seems awkward.

[ADD HERE]

What were you thinking of adding?

If you keep it, keep it with you.

This is redundant.

As far as the ending, we should be ending this with Stuart's point of view, and what he's thinking and feeling, to bring the story full-circle. He was the first person we were introduced to in the prologue, so he should be the one we leave off with in the epilogue.