Been In My Sandbox a While... Did A Little Work.
Only as I'm putting this up for critique do I realize how dark this SCP will be by the time I post.
Anyways, here it is. Tear it apart as always:
Been In My Sandbox a While... Did A Little Work.
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» Been In My Sandbox a While... Did A Little Work.
[[
Agent ██ requested to see an SCP-XXXX-1's teeth.
This is a little awkward. I get that that's why the picture was taken, but a better caption would probably be "The mouth of an SCP-XXXX-1 instance."
Those generally involved in the auction included
I'm not sure, but it looks like "generally" should be between "auction" and "included."
[outdated]
I just kind of feel like this should either be in all caps, or at least have a capital O.
There is supposed to be a hyphen between "mosquito" and "borne".
The majority of the remaining abnormalities include physical alterations, an increase in muscle mass and, in ██% of cases, new organs that perform various functions.
You might want to add in a word or to, to say "the appearance of new organs…" instead of just "new organs", because this sentence has a pattern of describing changes, (like "an increase in muscle mass" and not objects.
Birth occurs. 1.7 kg mass, anatomy suggests early fetal development has taken place. Does not respond to outside stimuli.
This sentences feel kind of choppy, but I can understand what you're saying easily, so it's alright.
I've made the requested edits. Thank you.
Simplification, clarification, and organization edits.
Gave a name to a little thing I call Protocol BP-Cichlid.
Could I get a stab at critique again? I'd like to know what the community thinks of this so far.
Positive or negative feedback is appreciated.
[Requesting a delete for this comment, I was asked not to post reviews until I have a successful page. Professor Will, please ignore this comment. I sincerely apologize for wasting your time.]
I'm old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway.
Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.
Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad.
Can we actually "know" the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown.
A "cold post" is when you post a page to the site with no review. Usually, they die fast.
That said, I think you were just told not to provide feedback until you had a successful page of your own. I'm willing to believe that maybe you missed that post, but this fact won't stop me from revoking your membership if you continue to spam with mediocre reviews that start with "I suck at reviews."
Edit: Ahh, good. You noticed and corrected your mistake. Good work.
"WELL FOUNDATION. YOU MADE IT SO EASY. SO VERY VERY EASY." - dimensionpotato
Yes, I missed the post. I'm not trying to spam at all, though. I'm prone to constantly putting myself down because all my pages have been deleted so far and I'm always paranoid that it'll continue for the rest of my time here.
I'm old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway.
Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.
Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad.
Can we actually "know" the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown.
If you keep at it you'll eventually get the hang of this site. Be sure to get a lot of feedback from established users before posting, and your work is a lot more likely to succeed.
That said, from the present day foreword if you'd like to pm me with your drafts or concerns I'd be happy to give my opinions. The more opinions you get about your work, and the better you receive said opinions, the higher your chances of success. You've been here a week, and the quality demanded here is pretty high. It's not unusual to struggle a little when you're first joining. Rather than posting critique on the forums, you can integrate into the "Discussion" Forums, hang around chat, read some of the pages, pursue your individual writing endeavors for the site, etc.
There is no need to have a pessimistic view about yourself. The best thing you can do is strive to improve and regulate your behavior better. I am not, by the way, staff.
The picture of the person's mouth (conjoined twins?) is really creepy. I really like that the Foundation is going through so much trouble to maintain this instead of letting it die out. This skirts an interesting line between realistic and non-anomalous. I think if it were merely teratogenic, the Foundation wouldn't care.
This is pretty good (close review for grammar/syntax/spelling pending).
I'm glad you like the concept! The Foundation commonly like to prevent it's skips from extinction, and BP-Cichlid is a procedure that allows them to keep the generations going, even if it does involve the breeding, torture and genocide of newborns. And I agree, if these individuals were not anomalous the Foundation wouldn't care. Though governments may have eventually intervened on the slavery and cannibalism that the instances on the island were subject to. It's also nice to hear that it's on the brink of realistic and non-anomalous.
Anyways, I'm excited for that review. I tend to mess up on some of the grammar, syntax and spelling. So thanks.
And I agree, if these individuals were not anomalous the Foundation wouldn't care. … It's also nice to hear that it's on the brink of realistic and non-anomalous.
Specifically, I meant that if this was just a teratogenic pathogen that affected offspring, then it wouldn't even be a scip (and therefore would be CDC's and WHO's problem). The only thing that separates this from a totally realistic syndrome is the morphological effects on children and adults, which is a very small thing indeed. Well done.
pathogens classified with low infectivity
This seems overly wordy. Try: "communicable, noninfectious pathogens"?
bred
Lacks clinical tone, and maybe a more clinical wording will make Protocol BP-Cichlid that much more chilling I think. Maybe "population of non-immune individuals must be maintained at genetically stable levels"?
SCP-XXXX is a mosquito and blood-borne pathogen of unidentified agent
This doesn't read right. "SPC-XXXX is an unidentified blood-borne pathogen vectored by Anopholes punctulatus." ?
emit enzymes
secrete
Monarchs
This use seems nonstandard especially since there seems to be more then one. Maybe "tribal leaders", "warlords", or "government leaders"? Unless there is supposed to be just one, in which case why not just "King ████, the hereditary ruler of the island's monarchy" ?
was able to uphold the highest bidding
Do you mean that the Foundation was able to outbid the competition? Unless "uphold" has some non-standard meaning in auctions, I think you probably want something more like, "was able to outbid any GoI agents and secure all contested assets to Site-64".
amassed breeding
I'm not sure what "amassed breeding" means, but it's probably not what you were going for here. "Controlled breeding" perhaps?
Wow, these look great. I'll add these soon.
Oh you might want to redact the mosquito sp. since that will tell you were in the world this is (I picked Southeast Asia, based on a wild guess). So Anopholes ████████ probably works better.
Did suggested edits, and made a multitude of footnotes to improve readability.
You can get an idea of what's going on without the footnotes, but the available elaboration should assist with immersion if the reader has time to go though all of them. I didn't add very much new content, I just condensed what was already there.
/forum/t-1186664/been-in-my-sandbox-a-while-did-a-little-work#post-
page revision: 3, last edited: 22 Sep 2018 03:57
