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Hey, long-term lurker, first time poster. This SCP idea has been gathering dust on my hard drive for a while now, and I've finally decided to put it out in the open.
http://scpsandbox2.wikidot.com/talonair Link to the sandbox
Please let me know what you think
Pretty tight writing here.
My big question: where was this found, and how did it come to the foundation's attention? It seems like it should have a history to go along with it.
Also, while the description is very data point through, I think we could use some creepy details here and there..maybe some names of works by the XXXX-4 manifestations might work, or the macabre things they do otherwise that show their devotion to the the "Laughing King." Maybe the -1 and -3 manifestations have some creepy names too?
I think the mental illness vulnerability is a bit a generic, and doesn't really add anything. A specific mental problem, maybe history of schizophrenia in the family or something could add some more flavor. How about a history of excessive hypnagogic imagery before the onset of sleep?
A caught a typo but now I've forgotten it. I'll refind it and post it in a sec.
I look forward to your completed work!
To begin with, thanks for the feedback
I plan to write an aquisition log to go along with this detailing how the SCP came to Foundation attention. I could also write some more about the ritualls of X-4 manifestations. I like the idea of giving names to the other manifestations, and to the works created by X-4, I'll see if I can come up with anything.
A lot of people have brought up the mental illness thing, and I think cutting it down to schizophenia would be best, the tendancy towards auditory hallucinations would work well.
The asquisition log and details on the X-4 cults would be in serparate pages to avoid cluttering the SCP page too much.
That all sounds good. You have a fair amount of work ahead of you!
First draft of recovery log is up. Not complete yet, and I can't figure out the formating, but some critique would be helpful
I like the new stuff! You brought the flavor!
You want me to try to fix the text boxes? Still a newb but I got them to work in my sandbox.
Yes please. I still can't think of a name for the 'Knights'. I've got 'Laughing King' for X-2, 'Weeping Heralds' for X-1, and X-3 will be '[insert] Knights'
Do you think the recovery log stuff so far is up to the standards of the SCP article itself? Do you think it would benefit from a log on the actual combat itself, to demonstrate the combat abilities of X-3?
I still need to write how they actually contain the SCP, and more info about the cult
Not sure about a combat log. Too much action/adventure takes it out of the realm of creepy, sometimes. If you can keep it scary, go for it. I like the recovery log stuff you have.
Fair enough, I'll leave any mentions of the combat to interviews and reports. The MTF Commander's interview will comment on the lethality of X-3 instances
Any ideas for what to call X-3 instances? And is there anything in the recovery log so far I could improve?
"though the material remains to be brittle, shattering under sufficient force."
How about "though the material is brittle,"?
I fixed the text boxes on the second tab. I have your original work saved if you need it for some reason.
Thanks. Just for future reference, how did you do it?
You just needed " >" [space] between the paragraphs.
I really like it!
I think that the line about terminating inducted cultists should be changed to add "… if they resist amnesiac treatment" or "…if the application of amnesiacs is not feasible." Poor suckers.
Also, I feel that the Experiment log would make more sense before the addendums
Sorry for the long wait, been busy with exams
I will make the suggested changes, I agree that they would work
If you want to check out the draft of the recovery logs, they're in the second tab. They're still being added to at the moment
I saw your ideas for names for the different classes of individual, upthread. I think it would be a great idea to use them, rather than the SCP-XXXX-[1-4].
I found those designations really confusing, and had to search around in the text for the definition because I couldn't remember which one was which. You could present the names as nicknames given by researchers, if that fits them into the story.
Maybe some more formatting would help with this confusion? Heading SCP-XXXX-1: "Weeping Heralds"; paragraph about them; next paragraph with another heading.
I also found it illogical that the King was -2 rather than -1.
Another idea: how about "The Court of the Laughing King" or "In the Court of the Laughing King" as a title? They're well-used phrases (without the "laughing", of course), familiar, and have a ring and rhythm to them.
Referring to them by the nicknames is less scientific though, plus the names are given by the cultists, rather than the Foundation.
The King is -2 rather than -1 because the Heralds were the first to be categorised, due to the fact they are producing the vocalisations.
I'll consider renaming it the Cout of the Laughing King
