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http://scpsandbox2.wikidot.com/bluehighwind - Link here. "Unborn Child" I think I'll name it. I don't think its quite gross enough yet, but looking for feedback.
EDIT: Nobody seems to be all that interesting in critiquing, so I'll just tell you, it's a life form similar to a human baby that impregnates itself in female hosts. Any thoughts?
First of all, the concept is pretty squicky by itself, although I was occasionally unclear on what was happening. It gave me a little bit of reading fatigue, which may have been due to some of the sentence structure used.
That being said, I was a little worried going in because we have a couple of birth-related SCPs already (including the infamous SCP-231), but this one was more unique than I expected.
Anyway, here's a little line-by-line. Take all my suggestions with a grain of salt; I'm just one person, and not exactly a veteran to the site. However, the grammatical stuff is something to examine for sure.
Item #: SCP-2755
It's common practice to use "SCP-XXXX" in drafts, because SCP numbers are first-come-first-serve, and by the time you publish your article your chosen number might be taken.
No female staff other than selected Class-D Subjects are to be on the premises of Site-██ for any time.
…on the premises of Site-██ at any time. Also, if you're feeding it D-class anyway, why have that restriction (unless I missed something)?
Male and female personnel in Site-██ must be unmarried and currently not sexually active.
Could you just say "All personnel" and "unmarried and sexually inactive"? Also, why is this the case?
Preferably personnel should be psychologically asexual.
Is psychological asexuality a thing? I would clarify this. Also, why is this here?
Male and female sexual fraternization is strictly forbidden.
"heterosexual intercourse (etc.)" maybe? Also, why?
SCP-2755-1 is to be kept in a normal humanoid containment cell. SCP-2755-1 is usually to be allowed minimal security restrictions for the first seven months of contact with SCP-2755. SCP-2755 is to be considered functionally contained during this time period. Throughout these seven months SCP-2755-1 will only need to be observed once daily.
It's more common to see a "standard humanoid containment cell" referred to than a "normal" one. As for the rest of it, why are the restrictions so slack? Why those procedures specifically?
Routine physical and psychological evaluational are to be carried out on at least a weekly basis, with some flexibility for the Subject's comfort level.
"Feed that comfort level any more flexibility, Martha, and it'll start bending over backwards!" is the sentence that came into my head reading this. I would say "…a weekly basis, with variable frequency based on the comfort level of the Subject", or something like that.
Following the seven month period, SCP-2755-1 is to be placed under maximum security, and transported down to Reinforced Steel cell in Containment Level 4 with security following J-Theta-VII ("Cradle Fall") protocols.
"…down to a reinforced steel cell…" or, better yet, say "Following the seven month period, SCP-XXXX-1 is to be transferred to a…" and list the specific containment requirements. Why reinforced steel?
Following the emergence of Stage 2, fertile D-Class Subjects between the ages of 16 and 33 will be drugged into an unconscious state, stripped of all clothing, and placed for easy access by SCP-2755. All are to be kept under constant observation, until one has successfully bonded with SCP-2755. Following this D-Class Subject will be reclassified as "SCP-2755-1".
This paragraph is a little messy. I'll get to the Stage 2 thing later, but grammatically:
Stage 1 SCP-2275
Might it be better to refer to each of its stages as SCP-XXXX-letter? Its subjects are already SCP-XXXX-1, so maybe Stage 2 could be SCP-XXXX-B, or maybe Stage 1 could be its "resting state," Stage 2 could be an "active state," and Stage 3 could be SCP-XXXX-A or -B.
Stage 1 SCP-2755 is a life form resembling a human newborn infant of approximately 45 centimeters in length and 2.9 kilograms in mass.
If you call it a "life form," it's probably best to specify that it's a "biological life form." Alternately, you could call it an "entity."
Also, "…resembling a human newborn infant approximately 45 cm…" The "of" isn't necessary.
SPC-2755 will continue to take the normal characteristics of a human infant for as short an observed period of six hours, or to as long of an observed period as ██ months.
Why is the number of months censored?
SPC-2755's
I didn't realize there were that many Shark Punching Centers in existence.
SPC-2755's transformation will begin suddenly, though there are signs which can alert staff.
"Though SCP-XXXX's transformation is sudden, certain warning signs have been observed" or something like that, maybe.
Observed signs so far these have included:
"In the past, these signs have included:"
Not crying even while clearly discomforted.
"Lack of crying, despite obvious discomfort" or something similar. I don't think "discomforted" is a word.
Intense crying of an usually high volume and "anger".
"Unusually intense crying" maybe. "Anger" in quotes makes me think you're about to say it goes into a rage state. Also, on what scale would you measure "anger" in quotes?
Sleeping for up to 18 hours continuously.
Why up to 18 hours?
Regression of normal human psychological development. These include: refusal to make eye contact, inability to support head, disinterest in toys or objects to suck upon when teething.
"…psychological development (i.e. refusal to make…" possibly?
Smelling of ██████.
Why is it censored? Why is it there?
Dr. Raj has issued a special reminder to all personnel working with SCP-2755: The Object's processes must be considered irreversible. Attempts to interfere or "save" the Object in Stage 1 have all resulted in the untimely deaths of █ staff members.
I would put this in an addendum or something. If a doctor is saying it, maybe in an italicized quote? It might work better in that format, where you can word it more conversationally.
Metamorphosis into Stage 2 will take two to three hours and includes dramatic decay in physiology.
"… Stage 2 takes two to three…"
Metamorphosis into Stage 2 will take two to three hours and includes dramatic decay in physiology. Skin takes on a greenish hue, and begin to turn translucent. Blood will pour out of every orifice and take on a sickly green color. Eyes will cloud up resulting in apparent blindness. SCP-2755's hair, fingernails, teeth, and upper layers of epidermis will shed. Remaining flesh softens, until it has taken on a loose clay-like texture. Cessation of all apparent life signs is inevitable. Before the visual changes have begun poisonous gas will emit from SCP-2755, eventually killing all within range. These fumes have no effect on non-biological matter, but to living tissue will cause [REDACTED]. SCP-2755-1d, formally D-57572, managed to survive for two weeks, until systematic organ failure resulted in expiration of Subject's life.
Decide whether you're talking in the present, past, or future tense and stick to it. Personally, I would recommend the present tense.
Physically its appearance is similar to a human embryo of 6 weeks of development, only much larger, reaching 7 centimeters in length.
"… similar to a human embryo [is this the appropriate stage for this time frame?] six weeks into development…" also, this sentence feels kid of awkward with the double comma. Could you break it into two sentences?
Object is extremely fast, considered extremely deadly, and can move erratically.
"The object is capable of extremely rapid and erratic movement, and is considered deadly." or something along those lines, maybe?
Attempts at bonding with male human hosts results in the death of the host and SCP-2755.
"Attempts to bond with a male host result in the death…" perhaps, to keep the clinical tone. Also, maybe add "invariably" before "result."
SCP-2755 has also burrowed into a female cow, a male sheep dog, and a child of █ years old, in all cases resulting in the deaths of both the Object and the host.
Stage 3 is visually similar to Stage 2 but of the proper size (4 mm) and incapable of movement.
The proper size of what?
The transformation of Stage 2 to Stage 3 is an extremely short process lasting only minutes.
Maybe say "The transformation into Stage 3 typically takes only minutes." or something like that. I'd play around with the phrasing there.
Excess bio-matter is expelled by SPC-2755-1 through the urine.
Where does the excess come from?
SPC-2755 will engage their host body's natural reproductive processes. Object will grow according to typical human development, until finally being reborn as Stage 1.
I like these lines, but I think there has to be a more technical way to word them. They break the tone.
Any premature death of SCP-2755 is inadvisable. A Stage 3 SCP-2755 will spontaneously generate within a random female host, even without any actual contact with the subject.
"Should SCP-XXXX fail to find a viable host before expiring, a Stage 3…" could work there. Also, "even" breaks the tone.
This has been documented even in hosts without prior sexual activity.
"This phenomenon", maybe?
It is currently unknown how SCP-5755 manages to "resurrect" itself, but its effective range has been shown to be as far as six hundred kilometers, following the events of [CLASSIFIED].
Due to the unpredictability of such an event, Foundation Protocols allow SCP-2755 to follow out its life cycle without interference.
I would use a different word instead of "unpredictability." The Foundation deals with unpredictable things every day. Something that's only unpredictable isn't worth so many D-Class.
SCP-2755-1 should not be told of the nature of the Object it is carrying in order to avoid erratic irrational behavior. Even so odd behavior has been observed with SPC-2755-1 before Stage 2.
Once again, make sure your tenses agree. I would elaborate on the erratic behavior.
SPC-2755-1
There's that Shark Punching Center again.
SPC-2755-1 often angrily fights against the removal of the umbilical cord connecting it to SPC-2755, preferring that it remain attached. SPC-2755 and SPC-2755-1 will react violently to being separated from each other other even for as short of time as minutes.
If this is your elaboration, saying "during Stage 1" might be easier to understand than "before Stage 2." You bring up the Shark Punching centers 4 times within this excerpt.
SPC-2755-1a, formally D-66543 stated on record that "I dream of Liam [SPC-2755] coming back inside me… coming home… I always feel warm after those dreams…"
Previous tests in aborting SCP-2755 have resulted in [REDACTED]. It is advised that such experiments not be repeated.
There's no reason for this to be here. It gives no information and the tone hasn't been built close enough to a nail-biting level to justify it.
Does that all make sense?
Overall: It has potential, but I'd downvote it at this point. There were many grammatical errors and word choice issues, and sometimes it became unclear and broke the tone. With some revision, it could be a really good article. If you're going to keep the rape undertone, there are some places I'd dial it back a bit. It's a difficult subject to write about, and it's easy to screw it up. Additionally, I would make sure you develop your hooks enough that they sink into the reader and keep them interested.
Keep working on it. It needs attention, but it can definitely turn out good.
Thanks for critique. Clearly is needed that badly.
I've made some of those grammar changes. This is actually much harder than it looks structure wise, since you're trying to fill it with cold technobabble. I'm not really used to writing scientific reports, just picking a tense turned out to be an issue (>_<). I've got some other changes I'd like to make, and would like to remove some extraneous details to shorten it up and get to the point of horror more directly.
I'm thinking that I should make it so there is only one SCP-XXXX-1.
"Anger" in quotations for some reason frightens me more than without. Almost as if the person writing this does not quite believe in human emotions.
I wrote it with numbers first thinking I would just post it, glad I came here first. I really do love the number 2755 since it includes all three of my favorite digits… but you know, let's not get weird about numbers.
since you're trying to fill it with cold technobabble
Hold it!
First off cold isn't emotionless (though I guess that's a bit subjective, but I would just say emotionless anyway).
Second off Technobabble will just annoy the shit out of people; you need to be concise and not use unnecessarily giant words (unless they are actually more fitting, however a scientific paper does not make it automatically fitting).
Finally it's okay to have a short article; however it needs to be really interest and really well written.
http://scpsandbox2.wikidot.com/bluehighwind - Major revisions have been done. An interview log has been included. I'm hoping this makes things more streamlined and to the point.
I like this version a lot better! I understand a lot more about it. There are only a few more suggestions I have.
Upon final expiration of current SCP-XXXX-1, a fertile D-Class subject between the ages of sixteen and thirty are to be collected.
"…between the ages of sixteen and thirty is to be collected." You're referring back to "a fertile D-Class subject," which is singular. Also, is there a more descriptive word than "collected"? "selected," maybe? or you could even make it "a fertile D-Class subject between the ages of sixteen and thirty is to act as a surrogate mother (etc)".
Subjects are to be drugged into an unconscious state, stripped of clothing, and until successful bonding with SCP-XXXX has occurred.
remove the comma and the "and" after "clothing," unless there is a third thing that must be done to them which you haven't added yet.
Following this D-Class Subject will be reclassified as "SCP-XXXX-1".
This is not grammatically correct. You could say:
or something similar, all of which get the point across.
The first two paragraphs of the description seem to belong in a Recovery Log.
Noises had been reported coming from the hospital and local police investigated following nearby resident complaints of squatters.
Did the police investigate because of the complaints? If so, it might work better to say "… Reports of noises coming from the hospital caused a local police investigation…" and if you really want to, you can find a way to include the squatters, although I don't see how they're relevant.
SCP-XXXX-1a claimed to be Susanna ██████, a native of █████████, ██████. This has been verified by Foundation authorities.
Did she claim to be Susanna Blackbox, or did she claim to be named Susanna Blackbox? It's a nitpick, but it bothered me. Also, did Foundation authorities know Susanna Blackbox, or did they find her records?
SCP-XXXX continues to take the normal characteristics of a human infant for as short of an observed period of six hours, or to as long of an observed period of eighteen months.
Did something happen that would cause it not to do that?
Though SCP-XXXX's transformation is sudden, there are signs which can alert staff.
This wording still bothers me.
Not crying even while clearly discomforted.
Is "discomforted" a word?
Unusually intense crying of an high volume.
You know the difference between "a" and "an", so I'm assuming this is a typo.
Metamorphosis takes two to three hours and includes dramatic decay in physiology.
This seemed sudden. You mentioned it in the previous paragraph, too, but you didn't lead into it well. It worked better when you called them stages, but stages didn't seem like proper wording. You need to find a way to differentiate the states (maybe by labeling them as such).
Though physically deteriorating Object becomes extremely aggressive and surprisingly fast throughout this process.
Put a comma after "deteriorating". Also, "surprisingly" is a judgement and thus breaks the tone.
SCP-XXXX will take on the shape of a human embryo into its sixth week of development.
Do you mean it looks like an embryo six weeks into development, or six weeks into development it looks like an embryo? That should probably be clarified, but either way, "into" should be "in."
Once inside the host, 98% of SCP-XXXX's remaining mass will melt away into a fatty red fluid. SCP-XXXX will take on the shape of a human embryo into its sixth week of development. The reproductive processes of SCP-XXXX-1 are engaged, carrying SCP-XXXX like a naturally fertilized embryo. Excess bio-matter is expelled by SCP-XXXX-1 through the urine.
I have no other complaints about this paragraph. I just really like it. It clears up something I was confused about before and does it succinctly, descriptively, and all-around well. It also really fits with the rest of the piece. Kudos to you.
The Interview Log is generally good. The only thing I would do is read it out loud and in character, and think about whether some parts sound natural. Dialogue – which is all Interview Logs are – needs to sound like a set of statements that actual people would say in real life. You did a pretty good job, but imagining a doctor without a script saying "my superiors cannot allow any deviation from standard Foundation nomenclature" makes me giggle a little. Try saying it. It's quite the mouthful.
Also, there's a template for interviews in the next-to-last tab of How To Write An SCP. It's pretty much the standard on the site, so it might be best to follow it.
Despite subject's insistence that "Sammy will be perfect this time" a search for a new viable D-Class female candidate must be completed by █/█/20██.
I would get rid of the first half of this sentence and start at "A search for a new (etc)". I understand the intent with quoting XXXX-1f, but it doesn't quite work.
Overall: It's looking much better. The concept is good and well expressed. There were only a few minor grammar issues left. When they're taken care of, I think you''l have my upvote. However, you should definitely get some critique from other people, too. What I like may not necessarily be what others like, and birth-related SCPs are hard to do well and have the majority enjoy, especially as a first SCP. Keep working with it, though. I like it a lot.
"Discomforted" is a word, but I just don't think I used it properly. I think I've cleaned up every grammar error that you saw and that I picked up in re-reads. More changes were done to my baby, which is still here: http://scpsandbox2.wikidot.com/bluehighwind .
Obviously this was going to be a nasty SCP which makes it more difficult. It just so happens that I'm a huge Cronenberg fan so any good body horror ideas I come up have to be worked on. I also had an idea of a person that spontaneously fuses with any other human that come into contact with, which is now contained as a riving pile of immobile flesh, but I've used that in a short story already and don't want to double up on it. Basically I took the freakiest idea I could come up with and ran with it. (Though honest the SCPs that scare me the most are the weird buildings with insane impossible geometry, and curiously enough despite this writing my favorite might actually be 085.)
I would like another comment from another reader, but if nobody else comments I'll post it tomorrow, hopefully as 2755 because I love that number. This is at least higher quality than the SCPs that seem to get buried insantly, I hope.
