SCP-XXXX: Dr. [REDACTED]'s filing cabinet
This is going to need work, obviously. Every piece of literature does… some more than others. I thought I should see if mine is the best it can be. Here's the link. Do what you will.
SCP-XXXX: Dr. Rosenburg's filing cabinet
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» SCP-XXXX: Dr. Rosenburg's filing cabinet
Summary:
I want my draft critiqued. Hope you like it.
This covers very little new ground. You've got a bland central object, and what you do with it has been done tens of times before. The redaction of the name is maddening, and it's present in the containment procedures which is a bit of a problem.
There are of course tonal issues here, like "distinguished Foundation doctor [REDACTED]" which pull you right out of the thing. The ending is mostly exposition, and it doesn't draw me in at all.
Ultimately it feels like the story and the object have nothing to do with each other. There's a Doctor who did some stuff he shouldn't have, and then he made a cabinet that disappears people. There's little in the way of a logical link between those two things. Your story should grow organically from the object, not feel tacked on like that.
Good luck with this, regardless.
This covers very little new ground. You've got a bland central object, and what you do with it has been done tens of times before. The redaction of the name is maddening, and it's present in the containment procedures which is a bit of a problem.
I've never really seen an object with horrific information on an anomalous object that makes people disappear before. The redaction is necessary, and if you don't like it, then get off the site, because many SCP articles do that. All I redacted was the Site #.
However, if you explain "bland" and "covers very little new ground," I'll try and take that into consideration more.
tonal issues
I'll take out distinguished if it bothers you, but I thought it added dimension to this mysterious doctor.
the story and the object have nothing to do with each other
If you mean the filing cabinet and the doctor's creature, the whole filing cabinet is created specifically to contain information on said creature. If you have a better way to connect them, please say so.
Good luck with this, regardless.
Thank you.
The redaction is necessary, and if you don't like it, then get off the site, because many SCP articles do that. All I redacted was the Site #.
You realize you just told a staff member to get off the site, right? Go look at the staff list. I'm there, too. Hi there.
Why is it necessary? Is it necessary because you've seen it in other pieces?
Do not redact containment procedures. If we're containing a thing, we need to know where the thing is.
Also, nothing in there needed to be redacted. At least, you have not put it across sufficiently that the identity of this person is worth keeping secret, much less what site we're talking about.
Additionally, you haven't sufficiently explained why the thing isn't in proper containment somewhere rather than in some office next to the non-anomalous file cabinet where the guy keeps his porno mags. Strap it to a forklift and move the big bastard.
This really reads like the SCP only exists as a vehicle to deliver the addenda. You are trying to really drop a bomb on us here, with literally thousands of liters of blood and titanium walls. We've done that. We've moved on. Read more from the high-rated series 2 and 3 skips before coming back to this.
You realize you just told a staff member to get off the site, right? Go look at the staff list. I'm there, too. Hi there.
No he's not. And neither are you. Check again.
you haven't sufficiently explained why the thing isn't in proper containment somewhere rather than in some office
You got me on that one.
nothing in there needed to be redacted. At least, you have not put it across sufficiently that the identity of this person is worth keeping secret, much less what site we're talking about.
Yes, because I should definitely put out that it was Dr. Rosenburg who created a killer monster from pieces of other SCPs, only to let it escape. Because that would definitely make sense. As for the site, well, that's more of a need-to-know, but I will remember to add that.
the SCP only exists as a vehicle to deliver the addenda. You are trying to really drop a bomb on us here
The creature is an essential part of this SCP in particular. And yes, I am trying to shock people. It's a FOUNDATION doctor that has created a DANGEROUS monster that could theoretically cause a destructive scenario.
Read more from the high-rated series 2 and 3 skips before coming back to this.
I'm not saying that I shouldn't read from the actual, published, high-rated foundation articles. What I am saying, however, is that it won't give me some epiphany that'll make me instantly agree with everything you said. It needs work, I know. I'm trying to get what I can from everything.
Please collapse long posts. ~Zyn
No he's not. And neither are you. Check again.
Before anyone starts to argue this, both Doctor Cimmerian (junior staff) and pxdnbluesoul (bluesoul, operational staff) are staff members on the Meet the Staff List.
I'm calling a stop to this line of conversation. Please keep further discussion focused on the draft.
Do not reply if you are not staff. This is a closed staff post.
It's just kind of boring, you know? You've got a whole lot more expungement then you need, and nothing that really makes it interesting.
Admin, SCP Wiki
What would you suggest I "un-expunge?"
Everything.
Admin, SCP Wiki
Redaction occurs after the unredacted original report is written and submitted. It then pared down to the need-to-know of the intended reader. It never done by the original writer. This info needs to be complete to contain these things.
Dr. Rosenburg is what's behind that [REDACTED]. The foundation has no reason to protect his name. his assistant has nothing to be protected from either. Yes, other authors have blacked out their avatar's name. Many of those articles aren't very highly rated, even the older ones.
I think it comes down to things that irritate the reader. Blackboxing both names all the way through the dialogue hurt my eyes. BBes, being a solid spot as opposed to a letterform, drag the eye to it. You have to fight to recover where in that line you were. Look up "eye trail" for some ideas.
The line on when to expunge can be a fine one. Too much, and you leave the reader in the dark. Too little, you can spoil your mechanic.
May I recommend using pronouns when it comes to your characters? Amanda Blackbox doesn't need to be spelled out every time. It can be Ms. or Mrs. after the first one, and reads much smoother.
SCALE. 100m is a LARGE hole. Considering a "normal" office room is 4m high. So essentially there is a gaping chasm spanning multiple floors. Or is the room 100m tall? That kind of space would be reserved or designed for very specific containment.
And why body parts? That serves no purpose outside of gore, as there is nothing to make that connected to anything.
Overall, I think you're trying to do too much with this. The core concept is a filing cabinet what disappears people. Why does there have to be a monster? We learn very little about the SCP device we are trying to contain, and instead get vague references to a BIG, UGLY MONSTER. From a RW standpoint, the side project would be in a completely different report; the one security is writing up about the breach, and who's responsible. Doesn't gel with the report it's shoehorned into. This would be better as a tale.
May I also recommend that you try not to get so defensive for your avatar; it's not you. When you throw a piece up for review, some people are gentle/nice and some aren't so much. I tend to be very direct with questions and issues, and can come off as brusque. I'd rather be told my work is crap and why than say "oh, that's neat," only to watch my baby die on the mainlist. This community is here to help aspiring (and practiced) writers get better at their craft and expand the shared universe. This really doesn't go anywhere new.
It's not that I'm opposed to having harsh reviews of a draft. I get I'm not the "Writer Supreme" or anything. Sometimes I don't get the reviews. If I'm to make it better, I would want to have some explanation on how to make it better.
I'll add the side project in as a separate report instead of just notes.
Almost the entire article was about this SCP. The interview just shed some light into why it was like this in the first place. And I never said it was big or ugly. For all we know, it could be a pancake, but that is why it is so intriguing. We fear the unknown.
I will take out the blackboxes in the report. However, I think it should remain J. ████.
They went down stairs into the tank. However, the ceiling size will be redacted.
Thank you, by the way.
Okay, I revised the draft.
Considerably better. The "monster" is no longer overrunning the SCP itself.
The hall is to be labeled "No Unauthorized Personal."
Personnel.
Fixed.
I just noticed that you have fallen into a trap many on this site do: Titanium. On it's own, it's actually quite brittle. It's major property is that it will alloy with almost anything, adding flexibility or strength. Titanium-Steel alloy would make for a very strong structure on your tank. There's also a history of people attempting to use the "Titianium Cube" to contain everything that is physically powerful. Most of the articles are long-deleted.
NOW…these are my opinions. I prefer hard SciFi, and like to see accuracy in what the Foundation can/can't do realistically (as realistic as this universe gets). I also call shenanigans on tv shows: explosions, revolvers firing 22 shots…
I like this overall. It's an imbued filing cabinet that sends organic matter somewhere. Maybe a tale that deals with where these poor naked people end up?
Fixed. And thank you.
(Just so we're clear though, you are saying this SCP is realistic… by Foundation standards, correct?)
Small question. Why is the date of Rosenburg's death blacked out if the number of days afterwards the body was moved is also blacked out? Seems redundant to me.
The filing cabinet, yes. Plausible. Dr. Rosenberg's side project? My jury's still out. He created containment for a "nonexistent" project, stole material from multiple sources without being caught, and had both the expertise in xenogenetics, xenobiology, and the ability to cross things from generally incompatible sources. Not to mention what materials and facilities are required to create this thing. With nobody the wiser. Displays the rest of the Foundation's incompetence that this went on unnoticed for as long as it did. Would need to read more about his pet.
Filing cabinet what makes people disappear? Reasonable. Not particularly exciting, but a decent lead-in to your story. Dead man with the only combination to the safe. Unless his former asst. knows how to open it and isn't talking for some reason.
And to you I say: Took that into an edit. And also what safe?
The filing cabinet; it is a safe for Dr. R's project. It's security isn't in 10cm thick steel walls, it's in the "teleport anyone but me who touches it" factor. Both serve the same function. Dr. R is the only one who knows how to open it, right? There are hints his Asst. might know more than she's saying, but they're just hints.
In essence, we have a safe with an extremely proactive defense system.
Oh, okay.
To you I say: I'm trying to get rid of some blackboxes, but putting the deaths of a Foundation doctor and several workers is a bit confidential, in my opinion.
Should I post? I mean, probably not, but I don't know. No one's said anything.
Please don't bump threads. That gets spammy fast and is unfair to the other people here waiting for critique without bumping their stuff.
The forums tend to move rather slowly, and it can take up to a week to get multiple reviews. If you haven't already, I'd recommend trying the IRC chatroom for real-time feedback. Alternatively, you can message a staff member and ask them to direct chat attention to your thread.
I wasn't trying to bump threads, but okay…
Wait, could you direct attention to my thread?
Instead of posting multiple comments in succession, edit your previous post using the "edit" function under the "options" tab to the lower right of every comment. That prevents spam buildup, and it's in the rules.
Yes, I can. Staff prefers that you contact them through PM instead of continuing to bump your own thread, though. Generally the only time we allow bumps is when the author is announcing a major update, such as substantial inclusion of new supplementary material or reworking of the core concept. Additionally, while some staff do read through Recent Posts on a regular basis, the majority don't; the best way to get a quick response is through chat or PM.
When in doubt, avoid double-posting and replying to your own comments.
Overall there are a lot of errors here, and it's just a filing cabinet what makes things disappear.
I would downvote.
Line-by-line below the collapsible.
Details of SCP-XXXX, including location and description, are on a strictly need-to-know basis.
This goes without saying. That's just general operational security. You don't tell people things they don't need to know. Even disregarding opsec, there's just too many things.
One (1) guard is to be stationed outside the doorway, with key to unlock the door firmly kept on his or her person.
Unless there's a good reason for specifying the number of guards later on, this is unnecessary.
I'm not sure how "firmly kept" differs from "kept" in any meaningful sense.
"with key" should be "with the key"
SCP-XXXX is a 1.6 m tall filing cabinet with 3 drawers on top of one another. SCP-XXXX appears to be made of sheet metal commonly found as the material that makes other filing cabinets.
You can just say "SCP-X appears to be a normal 1.6m tall filing cabinet, with three drawers."
Anything living that touches it, even with protective gear, causes that living thing to vanish, leaving any other possessions behind, including clothes and valuables.
Your sentence structure is kind of bad here.
"Anything living that touches it vanishes, even if protective gear is used. Anything the living thing was carrying or holding, including clothes, is left behind."
In addition, attempts to move SCP-XXXX from it's location have failed, because all attempts with machines created to lift heavy objects have been unable to lift SCP-XXXX. It is believed SCP-XXXX has been modified to be immovably heavy.
That should be "its location"
If SCP-X was that heavy, it would likely cause structural issues for the building. It's more likely that it's just immovable.
Researchers traced the anomaly to the filing cabinet, and had the office quarantined and most of the evacuated area safe again.
This is kind of a run on sentence that stops making sense halfway through.
" and most of the evacuated area safe again. " doesn't make sense.
SCP-173 is just a statue that breaks people's necks. SCP-682 is just a giant lizard that wants to kill people. SCP-087 is just a bottomless staircase with a ghost.
You see my point? Simplifying something down to what it is doesn't make it any worse.
As for the rest of your points, I tried taking those into edits. The "strictly need-to-know…" is essential because it represents a Foundation security breach. And a key needs to be firmly kept to avoid pick-pocketing or anything like that. Everything else, however, makes sense. Thank you.
Simplifying something down to what it is doesn't make it any worse.
If the reader doesn't particularly like the core concept, the action of simplification in itself doesn't really factor into their response.
Gonna give you a boatload of feedback, as someone who is on the forum criticism team. Please take everyone else's feedback in addition to this; this is just to supplement their feedback.
Details of SCP-XXXX, including location and description, are on a strictly need-to-know basis.
This works better in the containment procedures, without the bold and underline.
One (1)
You don't need to do this. This kind of thing is typically best done when talking about medicine or chemicals, where misinterpretation means catastrophe. You wouldn't say that "Two (2) green apples and five (5) yellow apples were placed in three (3) ten (10) pound cartons". It slows down the flow of the sentence, can be a huge pain for people to read (I know I have to mentally adjust my thinking every time I come across this because it can get confusing), and doesn't add anything. This is most common in old articles from days gone by; you'll rarely come across this thing now, and people tend to stop reading articles for this alone (like I do), unless it's really damn good.
SCP-XXXX is made of sheet metal commonly found as the material that makes other filing cabinets.
You haven't described the metal at all, and now your readers are confused because you just said "SCP-XXXX is made of a thing that makes up other things". If your reader didn't know it in the first place, this doesn't help.
Through research, it has been discovered that
You don't need this; it's implied.
"distinguished" and "in Foundation standards, highly-educated"
You don't need any of this, unless there's a relevant reason for this beyond "Look how cool this guy is!".
, [REDACTED] and [REDACTED]
So at the top, you say information about this is on a need-to-known basis, then you give us the location of where this thing is specifically located. That means the reader assumes that, in-universe, this document is being read by someone with all the relevant information. So either don't redact anything, or get rid of the stuff that's redacted, like names. Otherwise, it makes you look lazy for redacting because you can't think of something to put there.
I'll touch on the interview in a separate collapsible.
Upon reaching the bottom of the staircase, Task Forces discovered a small room approximately 1 meter by 1 meter.
You realize how small that is, right? 1 meter is slightly bigger than three feet. That's hardly even a room at that point.
The soldiers discovered a glass panel looking into a large tank, 10 times the size of the room the soldiers were in, and was reinforced with a titanium-steel alloy. A ten meter tall hole was discovered on the right side of the tank, allowing sunlight to flood in.
So the 1 meter room had a glass panel that looked into a large tank, that was 10 times the size of the room the soldiers were in? And the task forces could determine, just by looking, that the tank had a 10 meter "tall" hole in it? This makes no sense. Were you able to properly visualize the dimensions of this?
definitely lived
Bad tone. You'd remove definitely.
The Factory and other Groups of Interest are to be looked into for relation to this event, as a major breach in security may be in place.
Why would they think this? Why The Factory specifically?
Onto the interview.
Reading this aloud to myself, these guys don't sound like actual, convincing people.
Ms. Bryce: Spare the formalities, ████. I know what's going on here. I heard about the filing cabinet.
Knowing what this interview is gonna be about, how does she start from snarky and defiant to scared at the flip of a coin? There's not even an impression of her faking this, because you give us zero indication. And starting from:
J. ████: Alright. Did you know about SCP-XXXX's anomalous properties before the incident?
To:
J. ████: Can you explain?
This interviewer doesn't even sound competent at their job. They're not playing 20 Questions, they're trying to get valuable information about this anomaly from someone. If someone is giving yes or no answers, they're gonna keep pressing, not just move on.
He had some book, and I'm not sure if it was a magic enchantment, or if it was something from what we call science.
This sounds corny, and not like something someone would say. It feels like a way to arbitrarily add fear.
(Ms. Bryce becomes petrified, as if with fear)
This definitely feels like a way to arbitrarily add fear. The shift to fear is so sudden here, when before she was cocky. It's not realistic, and it's a cheap way to add emotion to your character.
but there was a hidden reason.
Also corny.
Ms. Bryce: I can't say. I know that the SCP Foundation has all sorts of horrible monsters, but this… this was beyond what I was prepared for.
I don't believe this. It also feels like a cheap way to not describe your monster.
Overall, this doesn't work. First of all, there's very little chance this guy could have done what he did without alerting the Foundation. SCP-1736 is similar in the idea of a Foundation employee making a skip, but 1736 does it by having the anomalies close together and with a thematic connection (both in and out of universe) to make what happened even remotely plausible. This guy probably would have been detected at the slightest hint of his activities.
The cover-up anomaly (a cabinet making people disappear) isn't that interesting to begin with. It doesn't make me care to dig deeper into what's happening, nor is it giving an effective emotional hook to make me connect to any person in the article. And as for your monster? There's nothing to learn about it, so what makes this monster so dangerous compared to anything else we have on the website? It's not effective. The narrative is also lacking; it's perfectly linear and predictable once we get even the slightest idea of what's going on, and there's no depth or rhyme or reason for this kind of thing to happen. It just… is.
The idea needs to be seriously reworked and thought over in many places to be able to work. I'd highly recommend taking the feedback being given to you, reading over articles and stories with similar concepts and ideas, and analyzing them. Why do they work? Why do they not work? What makes certain parts about them good and bad, and why are they well-received (or not well-received, depending). Once you figure it out, you'll have a better understanding of how to approach this. And in case you can't figure out how to improve it, set this aside. Come back to it later, if need be.
Wow, um… okay, thanks. I didn't know there was… so much. I took this into an edit, even some that didn't make sense but I understood. I will take into consideration "reworking" this article, however, I will not set it aside. Again, thank you for taking the time to help make this article Foundation-worthy.
/forum/t-1264259/scp-xxxx:dr-rosenburg-s-filing-cabinet#post-
page revision: 3, last edited: 22 Sep 2018 03:57
