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Posted the core concept in Ideas and Brainstorming and I kind of liked it too much. So decided to give it shot.
Don't know if I slipped into non-clinical tone somewhere. Reading it aloud tell me I did, somewhere…
Anyway. Feedback, reviews and thoughts are always welcome, of course!
Two questions… first, why must they be refrigerated? Unless there's an experation date or "keep refrigerated" label, it's probably not required. Second, I'd go with Celsius. Yes, Kelvin is a scientifically standard unit, but it's hard to get your head around at "normal" temperatures. Reader enjoyability typically trumps scientifically-acvurate terms, unless it's part of an expospeak gag.
Can't really comment on how it may work out yet- seems like the meat will be in the (unfinished) test logs.
SCP-XXXX have shown to be susceptible to its expiration date, if exceed no anomalous effects manifest.
Its in the descrption. I may change it however, if I come up with an interesting effect for a Factory product after it passes its expiration date. (Any idea is welcome)
Yeah, I will change to Celsius. Thought kelvin would fit better but, meh.
The meat will be in the testing and I will probably add a recovery log (what happened to the guy who had 13 of this in his apartment) and/or an incident of a doctor using them for his own sake (got to thank you about that one).
Anyway thank for the interest! Hope you will read it again once its done.
I really liked those journal entries.
I think it's coming together very well. I like the journal entries at the bottom quite a lot, but I find the use of both that researcher and the field agent's use of the word "skip" kind of distracting. I dunno though, that's really just a personal preference thing.
I noticed you misspelled researcher as "reasearcher" in the intro to the third addendum, btw.
I thought that in personal stuff and informal writing (wanted to give a vibe of "very informal guy" for Simmons) they wouldn't use initials as SCP. Meh, "I thought" wouldn't be accurate, it was Zyn who recommended me don't use SCP as an in-universe or colloquial term.
Thanks for informing me of the typo.
it was Zyn who recommended me don't use SCP as an in-universe or colloquial term.
Yep. My own personal preference though, so it's ultimately the author's call.
"SCP" in universe refers to the (special) containment procedures and the motto of the Foundation, so it seemed a little weird to me for researchers to call the objects "SCPs". "Skip" pretty much always refers to the objects, though, so far as I've seen.
Alright. Changed some things, corrected typos and finished the journals. I am not sure about the last log, maybe its too karma houdini-like?
Anyway, the alpha prototype draft is done!
Not bad. I think it needs some more work, but it's on the way.
The description and recovery logs were overly long for what seemed to me to be a very straightforward concept. It's not bad that it's straightforward, but you don't need to do much to get the idea across to the reader. I'd also hesitate to include the recovery log beyond a couple of sentences of description- knowing what it does to people made the journal entries much more predictable.
The journal entries… well, they're not bad. I'm always a little leary of articles where somebody uses an SCP to just… get their job done really well? It's their role as researcher, but, like, if you got one of these- maybe you'd do your work really quickly and go home, or play video games the rest of the time. Maybe not this guy, but I'd want to know why he's actually being dilligent instead of self-serving. It strikes me as one-dimensional if he hasn't even considered that. My understanding is that abuse of, say, Ritalin is similar as far as it stimulates hyperfocus- I don't know a lot about that, maybe you do, but you could look there for ideas.
There are a lot of entries. I'd consider not having entries before he actually receives the can- unless they're setting up something that I'm missing. If not, try condensing them anyways. (Suppose the logs get more concise and detail oriented as time goes on? Dunno, it's an idea.)
Finally- the reveal with the guy who was aware he was taking them is strange. What's the benefit to all of that? Did the director just want him to get work done? If it was to test post-expiration-date effects, why not feed it to a -D? It's an interesting twist. I just don't know why it's there.
You have some weird phrasing stuff, by the way- I'm going to go through the whole thing now, especially since you might change stuff on. But read it through for wording. Reading it aloud might help.
This might take a while, so first of all thank you very much for the feedback!
So, all in all, thanks!
in the containment procedure you list having 93 instances contained, you later tell us where exactly 93 instances were located. And by then end, to comment that at least 5 were "lost" I reccomend either increasing the initial count, or decreasing the number contained to reflect this.
Other then this one thing, I really enjoyed reading this skip.
Well, thanks! Left the 93 cause they are technically instances of the SCP, those 5 are not "useful" ones. I think the Directof would be a fan of Alpha-9, she is really into using the anomalied.
Alright! Cut some of the description I felt unnecessary for the story, rewrote the recovery report and added some hints to the journals (hopefully now they look better).
Couldn't reduce the journals lenght too much, though.
Didn't know if I should edit the last comment or not for this…
Fixed typos, added foreshadowing for the twist and tried a new formatting (used tabs instead of collapsibles). I hope the reading is less overwhelming now.
I thought in adding testing logs, but it seems that is already too long. Is it so?
EDIT: After a bit of thought I scratched the twist ending and changed the order of the addendum. I think now it looks more like a Factory object: straightforward and with an ironically cheerful label at the end.
Okay, was PMed about this. Since this is relatively short, you get a line-by-line. Here we go.
Comments made as I read.
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXXX instances found
No need to specify "found" unless there's a special thing to do to the things that aren't found… which would be weird, since the Foundation effectively can't do anything about the instances that haven't been found yet, since they're… not found.
are to be housed in a specialized storage vault equipped with a refrigeration system in Site ███.
Try to avoid expunging anything in the containment procedures, because this is the minimum stuff people need to know to keep these things locked up. Also, why specify a special refrigerated storage vault when you can just chuck this into cold storage, which is effectively already a vault?
This vault's temperature must be kept in a range of minus ten (-10) and minus three (-3) degrees Celsius,
Heck of a small range. How did anyone figure out that these exact conditions were absolutely mandatory? Also, the number (#) numeration is generally used for extreme precision measurements that can be fatal if misinterpreted, like drug prescriptions. You don't need to do that here.
and locked with a 10 digit combination electronic key.
Who has access to this key? No one?
Experimentation with SCP-XXXX should only be performed by D-Class personnel,
Ehhhh. Experimentation is done by researchers, which D-Class are not. They may be subjects involved in the experiment, but they're not actually performing the research.
and a Clearance-Level 3
Level-3 clearance. No need for capitalization or weird phrasing.
personnel member permission must be previously granted.
This is a weird way to phrase this. Just say that experimentation involving SCP-XXXX requires Level-3 authorization, and only D-Class personnel are allowed contact with the stuff.
When experimentation is carried out, no more than 5 milliliters may be used per test.
Not too sure if this is a containment thing. Also, what is "per test" defined as? Per test battery? Per entire test session? Per every individual time someone measures out some of this stuff?
It is forbidden for the personnel to use the artifact outside testing.
I don't think this SCP warrants the title "artifact". Also, this is again worded kind of excessively oddly. Just "Research personnel are forbidden from handling SCP-XXXX directly" or the aforementioned sentence are fine.
Subjects of SCP-XXXX should remain in humanoid containment cells
"should"? Also, these people are subjects of the experiment, not the SCP.
modified to be devoid of any feature that could jeopardize their well-being
Why put people in modified humanoid containment cells made for anomalous beings when the Foundation probably has a set of experimental chambers for people to detox after experiments?
Also, walls can jeopardize someone's well-being if someone slams against them repeatedly. If you're trying to say that the rooms need to have just a door and maybe some lights, say "unfurnished room" or the like. Remember, you as the author know what's going on, but the reader's only got what's on the page, and they're going to be pretty confused if you allude to things that they're not aware of.
until the object's effects fade.
Only fade, not disappear entirely? Also, how can anyone be sure that the effects are gone for good, especially if these effects merit quarantining the subjects?
Description: SCP-XXXX is the collective term to define
We don't need to know that SCP-XXXX is a term (unless like… the anomaly is the term "SCP-XXXX"). You can outright say that SCP-XXXX is a bunch of cans of stuff.
ninety-three (93) tin cans of two-hundred and fifty (250)
Again, the number (#) numeration is generally used for extreme precision measurements that can be fatal if misinterpreted, like drug prescriptions. Again, you don't need to do that here.
milliliters of capacity full
A reader will assume that the mL measure is the can's capacity. You can take out that phrase.
of a translucent liquid. All cans are painted in a unremarkable
"an" unremarkable. Also, that's a little subjective. People's definitions of "unremarkable" can vary widely, but if you really must push how unremarkable it is, try something less strong, like "plain".
bright red color
The "bright" kind of contradicts the last word?
with the words 'The Factory' written over it.
Written? Like… with a marker? How is it written? Does it look like a logo, or does it look like a kid wrote their name on it? Not getting a good visualization here.
Chemical analysis concur in tha no
Concurs. Also, proper phrasing would be "Chemical analysis indicates…" because "concur" means to agree, and the point of this sentence is to indicate that the chemical analysis shows something, not so much that it agrees with something.
anomalous substance compose neither the can nor the liquid.
Weird phrasing. You can say "Chemical analysis indicates that neither the cans nor liquid are comprised of anomalous substances."
When human subjects consume SCP-XXXX's liquid,
Why just humans?
they lose any capability of multitasking as well as increase of focus on the last goal they decided to accomplish before the aforementioned consumption.
Again, reads a little weird. At first I thought they lost the multitasking and increase of focus. Also, how would anyone be able to figure this out? Keep in mind that as the author, you know the entire story, but the Foundation needs to have discovered what it knows about the SCP through observation and experimentation. How would someone with no prior knowledge whatsoever of the object, using only experimentation and observation, be able to figure out that this liquid affects someone's ability to multitask?
Subjects show incapability of thinking
Correct phrasing is "incapability to [verb]." or "incapable of"
in anything other than the task at hand,
What if the task at hand is to multitask? What if the task at hand requires multiple aspects, such as ordering a meal while at a restaurant drive-through or dancing or playing an instrument while reading music or… pretty much anything, really? What defines "task at hand"?
often forgetting or ignoring their basic needs (such as eating, sleeping or defecating).
What about breathing?
SCP-XXXX effects vanish when the goal is satisfactorily achieved
Again, how the heck would anyone figure this out? How can anyone determine that the effects "vanish" (nooot exactly scientific here… might want to pick another word). And again, how satisfactory is "satisfactorily"? Is this based on some objective reasoning? The subject's reasoning? What if the goal at hand is something that would take a long time to complete, like building a tower of cards? Also, what if the goal is something that can't really be given an expected time, like sleep? Are we talking qualitative or quantitative satisfaction here?
or after an amount of time proportional to the amount of liquid consumed.
How can anyone figure this out without knowing about it beforehand? Also, you drop this and then never give any more information. Is this stuff dangerous? Can the effects of one can wear off after 2 seconds?
SCP-XXXX have shown to be susceptible to its expiration date, if exceed no anomalous effects manifest.
Where did the expiration date come from? It wasn't mentioned on the can earlier. All I know about how this looks is that it's plain bright red and has the Factory written on it.
Under no circumstance consume SCP-XXXX if the expiration date has been exceed.
This seems like more of a containment thing. Also, "under no circumstance should liquid from SCP-XXXX be consumed after the expiration date." works better. This sentence reads a little weird.
The first 40 SCP-XXXX instances found were recovered from a small supermarket in the city of [REDACTED] the day █/██/20██.
Don't need to redact a name. Just use blackboxes.
Another packaging of 40 instances was found inside a shop in a small town ██ kilometers from [REDACTED] in ██/██/20██. The last 13 instances were found in possession of ████ █████, in [REDACTED] in █/█/20██. None of the owners could identify the supplier.
This is kind of boring, to be honest. It doesn't add anything interesting or new to the story. "They showed up" is a very, very common origin story.
Analysis of the transport routes and geography of the locations
Do supermarkets only get stock from one transport route in the entire history of the shop? Also, if the supplier can't be identified and no one knows when the cans showed up or how, what's the point of checking transport routes for all the normal stuff?
of this findings imply that [DATA EXPUNGED].
You just took out anything that could have been interesting! This is lazy writing. :( There's only so much you can expect your reader to fill in on their own, and at the end of the day, you're the one writing the article, not them. If you have a super cool story aspect, give it to the reader, or at least give them enough hints to figure it out themselves.
Addendum XXXX-A-01: Recovery report 01, █/█/20██.
Cool thing about dates is you can use them to indicate passage of time so the reader can piece together a story. You don't have any of that here, because everything is blacked out.. Use what you have! Give us more of a story!
The first finding of an already purchased packaging of SCP-XXXX
I thought the first instance was recovered from a supermarket, though?
took place in the apartment of ████ █████, in the city of [REDACTED].
Instead of "the finding occurred here" you can say "the stuff was found here". And again, just use blackboxes, not redacted, for names.
From: Field Agent Anthony Simmons
To: Dr. █████, reasercher in charge of SCP-XXXX
How did they already have a researcher (note spelling) assigned to the SCP before it was even made an SCP? These things were just found, how do they already have an SCP number?
Also, why black out the name of the researcher and not the agent?
Re: SCP-XXXX recovery
This isn't really a professional report, this is more of a memo. Where is the report?
Mission complete. No alarms were activated, security system was a joke.
Yeah, this is way too silly. I don't believe that a professional field agent wrote this.
We found the owner corpse on his desk,
use "corpse of the owner". Owner corpse made me think that the owner of the building was an animated corpse or something. But I am a little tired atm.
no injuries visible on the body.
…were they expecting injuries to be present? Why is this relevant?
Poisoning maybe?
Or heart attack, or sudden brain failure, or asphyxiation, or… there are a lot of things that can kill a person without visible injuries. Also being slumped on a desk would hide other things.
The skip was in his fridge, there were only 13 cans.
How did they know it was a skip?
We will search for the rest
How did they know there was more?
once we make sure this package get to the base.
"gets" to the base is the proper phrasing.
Agent Wlliams performed well, would work with her again.
Why is this relevant to the research?
After that much I didn't feel like critiquing any more in detail. It got too boring, sorry. I wasn't interested in giving thorough feedback on another supplement about this thing, let alone five.
Suffice to say, I don't think this is ready for the mainsite. At first, I felt like this item was more suited for the log of the Pan-Dimensional Vending Machine rather than an actual SCP… plus I really don't feel like I believe that the researcher would use this stuff on themselves, especially when the adverse effects are so obvious and the benefit doesn't clearly outweigh the shortcomings (and again, I'm not entirely sure how this thing works).
This might make a very strong tale, because I skimmed the weekly logs and those are much more interesting than pretty much the entire rest of the article. Focus on those. We do have a lot of very well-received tales that are written in file format, so consider looking into that.
Right, so think I will go down that route.
This is probably more brainstorm stuff, but creating a whole new thread for this seems pointless. Anyway, could this work as tale of a Pan-Dimensional Vending Machine object? A classical "literal genie" thing?
If that's the case I will axe down the SCP format and keep the journals, after all those are the juice of the article.
Anyway, could this work as tale of a Pan-Dimensional Vending Machine object? A classical "literal genie" thing?
Noooot too sure about the "literal genie" thing, but yeah, this could totally work as a tale for the vending machine. Someone puts in 1000 Yen or something, and the machine spits out 93 of these cans.
Twist is that if these were so great, it'd cost more or something. Also, since it's Pan-Dimensional vending, totally possible that these things aren't made for humans, hence all the ridiculous results…
Go for it.
