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Original Source:http://www.firescience.gov/projects/08-2-1-15/project/08-2-1-15_Fire_fish_forests_climate_JFSP.pdf (page 10)
Creator:Firescience.gov
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SCP-2410 / Discussion
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This is the discussion related to the wiki page SCP-2410.
There's quite a number of grammatical errors here. However, I do like the base concept. It's certainly original, so I wouldn't advise you to toss it out the window without the advice of other, wiser gentlemen and women. Neutral voting for now, might change to be positive if a little cleaning up is done.
I'm working on the grammar. One of the biggest issues that I have is writing in the passive voice. I have a difficulty catching it because it's my natural speaking voice, but I am working on it. Do you see any glaring errors aside form that though?
To some extent the clinical writing style here demands a lot of passive voice constructions by eschewing second person imperatives. You can't say "keep the object at 15-23 K" but instead have to use the passive "the object must be kept at 15-23 K". It is hard to avoid. I did manage to get away with one active voice imperative in SCP-2323 somehow.
Area 117
Dash here, I think.
The positions that SCP-2410-1 teleport to is not understood at this time, but it seems that most teleportation events occur close to SCP-2410 with very few moths ever teleporting outside Area-117.
Run-on?
and are often accidentally killed by crushing .
Think this one's obvious.
SCP-2410-1 and SCP-2410-2 might be related to the half-life of Radium-224
Not really grammar, but I would suggest changing "might be" to something more clinical.
Those are just the ones I could see, so it's probably not definitive. Hope it helps, though.
Thank-you. This is really what I was looking for.
Fixed the "Area-117"
Not actually run-on.
Rewrote to: "SCP-2410-1 and SCP-2410-2 are very fragile and have been killed with very little force (as low as 9N)"
Rewrote to:"…appear to correlate…"
Sometimes you write on something for so long that you become blind to it flaws.
have been recovered as far as [REDACTED] away from Area-117
Wouldn't it be important for the Containment Staff/MTF to know approximately how far should they be looking for the SCP instances?
foundation operative [REDACTED] was informed of the report and read it.
Perhaps: Foundation Operatives were informed of the report. There are already lots of Redacted and Black boxes in the piece, why add another one?.
isotopes 232U, 228Th, and 224Ra
For some reason this reminded me Mothra
1. This is the one place in the article where I'd like the reader to imagine a detail.
2. Good call, changed.
3. Wow. How did I miss that. That's awesome.
Having to imagine that detail only detracts from the article.
I really love the radioactive decay ==> tiny moth teleportation equivalence you set up here, but nothing much seems to have been done with it. Withholding my vote, hoping that you do something cool with the setup you have here.
Art blog | Personal/political blog | I'm un-retired from the SCP community. Go check out Regicide, my Homestuck fanfic, too. | Death to America.
Zyn said the same sort of thing back when I was still working on the 1st draft. It was something along the lines of "an SCP doesn't have to have a meaning, but it's more meaningful if it dose".
Since then I have been considering adding some details about how SCP-2410 could have been created by the reckless waste disposal of some company, or that they were created in the wake of some nuclear disaster/ bombing/ bomb testing. I haven't yet because I'm not entirely certain how to execute such a premise without drawing parallels to being anti-nuclear-ist or coming off as "super-preachy".
Is that the sort of thing you are thinking of?
Edit: Ignore all that. I just came up with an idea.
And nearly 500 days later, it is still not in a good place. I really, really want to upvote this, but it's still failing to really capitalize on all of the imagery it sets up in favor of some mystery with a Russian scientist guy. Belatedly implementing that downvote.
Art blog | Personal/political blog | I'm un-retired from the SCP community. Go check out Regicide, my Homestuck fanfic, too. | Death to America.
Fair. I appreciate the long dead line you supplied me with though.
I wanted to come up with a tie to a GOI (but it was forced and ugly). I wanted to go into detail about more Russian stuff (but it distracted from the SCiP). I wanted to add some complexity (but I wound up liking the simplicity).
I'll try harder to live up to expectations next time.
It doesn't really go anywhere particularly interesting with an admittedly cool base idea. There are also a few tone issues (of note, "SCPs" is not proper, you should say "SCP items" or "SCP objects"). Novote for now.
I feel the most interesting idea here is the statues at the end in poor Alyosha's apartment. That said, I wish you'd A) identified the wax moths by scientific name, because I wasn't sure if you were referring to an actual animal or wax sculptures of moths, and B) not been so overt in telling us "radioactive decay series, guys!" Have a little faith in your reader's ability to google.
A) Added their name (Achroia grisella). I'm not sure it's formatted correctly.
B) When ever I think of removing the "isotopes 232U, 228Th, and 224Ra are steps in the same decay chain", I feel that the addendum becomes a bit of a non sequitur. That note is the only spot in the article that specially lists all three elements, and tying them together makes sense. I will concede that it is a bit blunt, but I'd choose bluntness over non-sequitur. Do you see the same problem anywhere else?
I upvoted in the hopes that this might get further cleaned up and not drift into negatives. I like the basic premise, and I think it might be best to identify that teleportation behavior as correlated to the decay chain in the primary description; it seems probable the Foundation would figure that out themselves, and it's a central aspect to the anomaly.
The premise is certainly worthy of likes, despite the overall rating. That being said, the ending does not have a very significant impact. There is impact that leads to something greater in the end, but I suppose it is a matter of one's expectations.
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page revision: 2, last edited: 30 Oct 2017 00:04
