Ok, general advice:
Right now, there's just a ton of description going on and a smorgasbord of anomalous effects, and almost none of them serve to tell a single, unified story. If this person is from an alternate universe Foundation, why did she leave? How did she get here? What does she want? Why does a Foundation employee have a clearly anomalous entity protecting her? (Is she really from a Foundation?) Can she control the entity? What does she want with it? Why does she have anomalous characteristics and devices (although I'd think carefully about whether those elements help the story)?
You don't have to spell that out, but the answers to those questions have the potential to be interesting. The answers to "what's in her cellphone?" or "should we give her a bed?" aren't.
My primary advice, you don't have to have three objects, or anywhere near the number of anomalous abilities you're slinging around. Figure out your central story, keep what helps that, and cut everything else. Then rewrite or add more writing to tell that story.
again, this is a WIP, and the story related bits that need adding to were to be part of the addenum interviews I haven't finished yet. There is a reason for the three objects, which will be implied slightly more in the interview logs, particularly XXXX-3. As for the cross references and the bed, they turned out to be less important than I thought they would be, so I got rid of them to streamline the story a bit.
It looks like trying to strike text like this and trying to box text
^invisible "like this"
shouldn't typing it like >example or >"example" work?
Alright, the writing part's done, but I need some help formatting the image, along with some final critiques
Since I'm an admin on the sandbox, I took the liberty of fixing your image coding.
That said, the roughly 8 MB picture is… pretty damn big for an SCP article, and might mess with the loading time, especially on mobile devices. Any chance you can make it smaller?
As an aside to this, there's a big chance your image'll be removed if you keep it at 8 MB. Regardless of loading time, you'd be forcing everyone to use up 8 MB from their data plan every time your page loads.
Just use a graphics program to downsize it.
Alright. Picture's much smaller now.
Before I go about posting this, I need some more feedback as to how the story works in this SCP, and some general critique for streamlining it a bit
Edit: Should I just go ahead and publish it or wait for more critique?
I'll have some comments shortly if you wait, I'll edit it in here. Also I'd advise taking it over to chat to get more voices.
So, that’s my commentary. I can’t really give a big overview/suggestion down here. Just… see above comments :)
I removed the stuff pertaining to the sentient vapor since it seemed to be causing some story issues.
I'm probably gonna rewrite the security log and part of the interview transcript, but I was wondering if you could give me suggestions for how to make the interview a bit more technical while still being somewhat playful. I already deleted a couple of the problematic bits but I was wondering if you could take another look at it.
Hey. Replying to your thread here, 'cause I'm not sure you need a second thread to rewrite the same skip.
And I'm sorry I didn't get this to you sooner. I know I said I was gonna check out your forum post. I am fail incarnate.
Did some revising on a lot of this draft, but I still don't think it's quite ready to post.
any more feedback before I re-post?