Hey, everyone. I recently added a new SCP to my sandbox, and I'd greatly appreciate any feedback on it. http://scpsandbox2.wikidot.com/fickle-scullery It's under the tab Vengeful D-class.
It is currently unknown how, when, or even if SCP-XXXX is, in fact, D-34958.
This sentence is quite confusing and maybe it could be replaced with a sentence like
It is currently unknown if SCP-XXXX is actually D-39458
Aside from that, the wording in some parts are a bit clunky and Transmission Log 04 seems to have gone missing. I dont know if this is on purpose or you just forgot to put in that log.
I'll leave the rest to the senior members because I'm not too good at giving critism.
I'm my humble opinion, this is boring. It's just man that kills people who aren't D-Class. There's no backstory, no hook, nothing to keep me interested. The grammar is quite clunky e.g. "It is currently unknown how, when, or even if SCP-XXXX is, in fact, D-34958.", You could trim that down by removing unnecessary words, and that quote from The Shining was just plain cringey.
I don't think this idea is worth developing further, but keep trying with something else!
The grammar is quite clunky
DrLyon, if you're going to mention grammar, please give the author at least one example of a grammatical issue that they need to fix. Just stating "grammar is clunky" doesn't tell them whether they need to just run a quick spellcheck program over the text, or it's something that requires a closer reading, like idiomatic phrasing or sentence stucture.
a seemingly American man
What does that look like? Not sure what "seemingly American" looks like.
But all in all, I'm not even sure what's anomalous here. It's a guy who runs around killing people, and he's good at it. There's the ridiculously hammy end sentence, and clearly, for a guy who is that uber-competent and confident, he sure seems to have a hard time leaving Site-52.
I don't find the story compelling, nor is the dialogue reasonable. It's ham-fisted action scenes at best (and really, with the lack of description, it's not even those). I'm guessing the angle you're going for is, the Foundation kills off D-class too often, so now here's a guy who kills everyone else in revenge? That's not really well put together at this point.
I'm honestly not sure how I'd proceed to clean this up.
Aaaaand hence the reason why I asked for feedback. I'm still new here, so I'm still trying to get the hang of writing a good SCP. I'd also like to thank you for taking the time to give me feedback on it. I was going more for that he's incapable of actually leaving Site-52, which is why he was asking for me people to come to Site-52. I'll work on trying to make this work out better, if I can.
I would like to thank everyone who took the time to provide me with feedback on my SCP. I've tried to improve it, but I honestly can't think of a way to make this one work. So for now, this one is finished, and will not be getting posted. Sorry for wasting everyone's time on it.