SCP draft- Wondertainment projector
http://scpsandbox2.wikidot.com/shades2538
I feel as though that the wording needs to be fixed in some places, and that I need to add some other sort of content.
SCP draft- Wondertainment projector
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» SCP draft- Wondertainment projector
Summary:
my first ever scp. I'm looking for feedback on how to improve this.
Well here's my opinion and critique on this one.
This one has great potential, and with some editing I'll do my best to try and help you perfect it.
- The first thing I noticed was that the containment procedures seem pretty relaxed. Where should SCP-XXXX and SCP-XXXX-1 be stored when not in use? Should they just be left lying around? What're the protocols for the tests? They seem incredibly lax and, frankly, incomplete.
- I noticed a possible typo/test idea. You say that the hand crank must be done a minimum of 3 times in order for it to function, but in Document-xxxx-a it says not to do it any less than 10 times.
- What would occur if you were to do it in an open area? I think it would be an interesting test idea.
- Down at the bottom you see the terrible words [REDACTED]. While this can be successfully used, in this case (as with most) it is completely incorrect. What I would suggest is doing ██████, ██████ as a location in place of it.
- Minor note: Class-A amnestetics are better suited for long term memory problems. Since it's not noted how long they have been gone (which is also a good idea) I would recommend using Class-A since it sounds like a long period of time.
- You might want to add a recovery log. As with most Dr. Wondertainment stories, there are almost always recovery logs.
Other than that (unless I missed something) I think it's quite good.
Class-A amnestetics are better suited for long term memory problems. Since it's not noted how long they have been gone (which is also a good idea) I would recommend using Class-A since it sounds like a long period of time.
Based on what exactly? These are made up drugs, there's no actual pharmacology for them and they work however the author wants them to.
- I thought that because these things don't do anything if they aren't turned on, they can just be locked in a box. What would you say are "stricter" containment protocols? And I'll admit, I didn't think of many tests besides "let's see what content is actually in these reels." Maybe going further into the plots of the films…Should I do a format change on the logs as well?
- I tried to connect that with the disappearance of the family. They didn't wind it enough times, thus they were caught in the "middle" of the film. How could I connect that better?
- The effect spreads and the world starts becoming an animated film. The Foundation would pretty much have to destroy the object then to keep that from happening.
- Fixed
- I read on the amnestic guide that Class-B were administered orally, so I chose that.
- ? I looked through the Wondertainment entries, only a few had History/Recovery Log on them. I could turn that bit on the recovery into an addendum, if that would fix the article.
Let's answer these questions for you then!:
- Even if you think that they don't do anything when they aren't turned on, you MUST specify where they should be locked. Simply saying they should be locked in, say, a Security Locker at Site-██ would be sufficient. Often with objects such as tapes and/or papers, they would do things such as say they should be kept in a locked filing cabinet somewhere. Things as simple as that can make an article.
- Well you were saying a minimum of 3 times of winding. Obviously you wouldn't want Foundation personnel having the same happen to them, so I would specify something along these lines: "If the crank is turned a minimum of three (3) times the effects will begin to appear, however a minimum of ten (10) times is required to safely use SCP-XXXX."
- Okay that makes sense. I was mainly just curious what would happen, but if you want to add something in about it then it might be a good idea to say something about how the Foundation tried it and the effect started slowly before they realized the problem
- Nice one! I think it definitely improves the article by adding more flow.
- I read up on that too and found out that I was completely incorrect on how amnestetics worked. I always thought the class registered the strength and that they can be delivered any way possible. Feel free to use whatever you feel necessary.
- Sorry I accidentally misunderstood that history part (I was pretty tired last night). You do have a sufficient recovery/history log for that part.
Well I hope all this helped. Feel free to ask if you have more questions.
"If the crank is turned a minimum of three (3) times the effects will begin to appear, however a minimum of ten (10) times is required to safely use SCP-XXXX."
Don't use the "number (n)" notation; many readers find it very bothersome to read. This is probably one of the few instances it might be justified (as this is similar to drug dosages in usage) but I still wouldn't do it; remember, this is a work of fiction primarily and readability is probably more important than versimiltude.
Going to chime in here to note that the "three (3)" notation, as sirpudding noted, is usually used for extreme precision measurements like drug dosages, and sometimes throws readers off because the parenthesis break up the sentence in a weird way (or so I've heard from other readers who've commented on that).
Author, in this case you can have the parenthetical numbers if you really want, but I personally don't think they're necessary, and it's likely that other readers on the site would prefer to not have the number in parentheses.
- Containment protocols edited
- Added a bit on safe use of the item
- Testing log added
Well, I like this now. All the previous issues I saw were all addressed by the other helpful people.
The only thing I am left curious about now is what happens if someone's appendage is removed and the movie ended before they reattach it. It isn't something that is all that needed in the article. It is simply a question I had.
I like it for a Wondertainment piece.
They become dismembered for real and need immediate medical attention.
Thank you! Would you say it is ready to be added to the mainlist?
Since I'm a newbie on the site, can someone tell me how to add a ratings module?
You can copy/paste it from the format tab of How to Write an SCP (which you should have read).
Cut material from the test logs, added other material to make the logs more "complete"
/forum/t-1761564/scp-draft-wondertainment-projector#post-
page revision: 0, last edited: 05 Dec 2015 04:09
