This is in dire need of line breaks to be readable.
Date: 18 Jul 2016 08:25
Number of posts: 14
RSS: New posts
This was pointed out by someone in the draft discussion… but I don't see how I could add MORE line breaks - there are many, many short paragraphs, and if I add a line break after each, the tale is going to be awfully long, and the rhythm be much too slow.
What SHOULD I do?
The problem is that the entirety of the tale looks like one giant of slab of text. It immediately makes me not want to read it or bother because I'm not gonna be able to hold my attention and/or get lost easily.
The problem is that I know exactly what you mean… ;>
But I can envision my text with an extra line between each paragraph, and I actually tried that while in the draft stage, and it looks like the narrator is sleeping between paragraphs. It makes the rhythm slow and chopped. Plus, the whole tale is already a tad too long for my taste (despite numerous interventions to make it as short as possible), and with all those added lines it will look downright endless.
Let me think about this and decide what to do, all right?
ETA is there a way to add half a line here and there?
ETA 2 Added some lines here and there in all 'Occurrences'. Is it better? ;>
Eta, I have an idea about how to change things, but might need to play around with it to get it right - would you mind if I edit the draft (only changing spacing) and you can see how it looks?
You can always revert if you don't like it.
And I promise I won't change that new final sentence - no matter how much I would prefer it gone…
Thank you. I have already added some line breaks (as per my edit above) - let's see if it's better.
Yes. I know. The final sentence is better than the one before, but I'm STILL not happy with it. I need a MUCH stronger punchline. If you have any idea, let me know…
I'd rather you didn't edit the text though!
ETA How about:
The Foundation taught me to fight - I'm good at it.
That does look cleaner, and is similar to what I was going to attempt. You could afford to lose some of the line-breaks within each paragraph (ie having more than one sentence per paragraph), as that will stop the reader's eyes having to reset to the left continually, which I think is part of what is disrupting the reading experience.
As for the last line, I think your penultimate sentence was a good enough punchline, to be honest.
Lose some line-breaks: done. Tell me what you think?
Last line: I do want this bit of nastiness re: fighting (though I thought of it belatedly!), so I changed the order of the last two sentences. Still not happy (low be it spoken!). What say you?
My new tale, about anomalous dancers.
My thanks to: Hercules Rockefeller, MrAnakinSpecter, MrWrong, Zyn, Rounzie, Jekeled, Sirpudding, WrongJohnSilver, Psul, TyGently, Soulstorm99.
Special BIG thanks to Hercules who spent quite a lot of time and neurones on it!
I think that you should make the titles in the beginning bold in the same way you did later. This feels to me like it might be an editing mistake.
I find the story fairly interesting. I'm not sure how I feel about the format.
I wanted to separate the description of facts (Occurrences, underlined) from 'thoughts' (bold). But apparently it's disturbing a lot of readers, so I'll change it.
Hey, you posted it!
As I said before I like this a lot, such an original article with an unusual narrator. Glad to see it on the site at last!
As for the "fighting" line at the end, I agree with psul it isn't necessary. Your current last line works just fine, I really don't think you need a better punchline.
Well done! :)
This is a really creative way to subvert the standard format while still somehow feeling like an article. Fanciful, I like it! :)
Ergo, how contained should THEY be?)
Not sure what you want to do with this.
Thank you, TL333s!
One of the main reasons why the field agent is writing this is to decide whether to inform the Foundation about the anomaly. It seems to me that this explains the leitmotiv of 'should be contained' / 'should not be contained'?