Big thanks to Sudypt, Absurdemest, and Psul for their helpful feedback.
Date: 24 Jul 2016 19:47
Number of posts: 14
RSS: New posts
"Parents are to be provided with a replacement infant of appropriate age and appearance."
My eyes widened, and I was scared and anticipating the rest of the story.
Overall, excellent writing. Very high quality.
"(a subject born on ██-██-2016, for example, will recall their tenth birthday as having occurred on ██-██-2008)" - Are the black boxes really appropriate? It's an example date, it contains no information that should be concealed from the reader.
I really wish that this uncle figure did something other than kill you. That's so desperately Series I-ish boring. I was enjoying this article until then — aside from the teen going on about cheese, in a slightly-too-silly fashion.
Agreeing with this. I find the premise to be highly intriguing and it did a good enough job of keeping me reading until the end. I think just changing the last bit to be something other than killing would be enough to earn an upvote from me. Just making it a tad more ambiguous or providing something a bit more original than murder.
Whether you like it or not, history is on our side. We will bury you!
I've written a tale upvoted by Djoric, Bright, Echo, Yoric, Moose, VAE and Voct, fite me irl if you don't respect
The only constant variable in description has been the age of 'Uncle Jack.'
Like, at least seventy
He was…fifty, or so, I think.
This threw me in a loop, as it reads that the age is a variable that's constant rather than age constantly varies.
Also, what's important is that the age doesn't merely vary, but decreases.
Neutral vote because the story was going somewhere but the end doesn't interest me, so he's a life force vampire supervillain.
Damn… you know before, when you had the 'yeah, he said he's going to kill you.' line, I actually thought it made a pretty effective ending. It's pretty cliche, but it worked.
Now it just gets deflated once you get to the finish. The fact that it ends on an 'I see' and not the ominous quote from the kid does a lot to suck the drama out of it.
I know I'm going counter to the current opinion, so maybe I should just shut my mouth, but I still find myself disliking it compared to the earlier version. I didn't find much in the concept to begin with… it was the Uncle Jack part and the ending that saved it in my eyes, but that's gone now.