New SCP - "Room Service"
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First draft of SCP - "Room Service"
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» First draft of SCP - "Room Service"
Summary:
People turning into hotel rooms how about that.
I like the idea. But I have some nit picks to point out, so bear with me.
I like how you described the subject's need to give an overly great review of the hotel, and of the room. It ensures that someone will go to the hotel. It's a nice touch. But then there's the monologue. If I understood correctly, the monologue only plays when one is staying in SCP-XXXX, while the TV is on "roomnews", yes? The very last part of how the person feels empty without staying inside the room is what I think should be the only thing playing while in the room. It makes more sense for the person to experience the room first, and then hear that. So they could truly believe they're nothing without the room.
The beginning of the monologue, "Let me tell you a story, it really happened. It happened to me. It could happen to you." doesn't make sense because then the monologue describes a horrible life that assumably the person watching has. But the voice says it happened to him. So that's confusing. If anything, you should delete the first part of the monologue for brevity's sake.
And the horrible life part that the person has? It's a nice idea, but it shouldn't play while the person is already at the hotel. It should somehow make it's way to the miserable person. Thus, combined with the overly great review, it'll definitely attract someone to the hotel. It makes sense, and it works. Maybe a commercial?
The people turning into hotel rooms is a very nice touch for me. It ties everything together. It explains why the room wants people to stay inside. It explains why the room wants to keep people going into it. I suggest that there is an actual point for it to happen, however. Such as maybe the affected person sneaking into a different hotel in order to create another "Room 70".
Other than that, it's a very nice idea. I like it. I hope I helped you in any way.
Alright, so this is an odd one, with a bunch of different pieces that I don't really see as connecting fully.
You start off with a self propagating memetic feature in which people are drawn to this particular hotel. While this is a little generic, the messages left by the subjects were entertaining enough. Then the article takes a bit of a sharp turn and we have the weird boil thing that unlocks the secret channel and allows for the monologue to be heard.
The monologue itself is entertaining, and could work as its own tale, in my opinion, and I see I can see how it would connect to the memetic properties of staying in the room. But then you really come out of left field with the subjects basically turning into the hotel room, which I personally find reminiscent of SCP-002 and just doesn't really click with the rest of the article for me and just seems to be weird for the sake of weird.
I want to say that there is a lot of potential in this draft, but it stands I'm not exactly following the story you are trying to tell. The three main components don't fully mesh into a coherent narrative device here as a reader. I like the idea of a hotel drawing in customers via memetics, and that this is done for some darker existentialist reason as is implied in the monologue, but feel that this could be done without turning people into hotel rooms.
Then again, maybe I'm just dull and missed the whole point.
/forum/t-1798738/first-draft-of-scp-room-service#post-
page revision: 0, last edited: 05 Dec 2015 04:09
