Hello! I'd like feedback on a new draft. It's the first entry under the tab "Creepitation".
Not a lot wrong spelling and grammar wise. Conceptually, however, this is barely more than an anomalous item. I don't think it's ready to be on the main list just yet. Give it more depth.
Thanks for the feedback!
I performed your recommended edits and expanded the narrative with some addenda. I was concerned about going too dark at first, but I tossed that out the window. I think it's ready for another look if you or anyone else is interested.
Oh, and that alliteration was accidental, but your alliteration is absolutely awesome.
alliteration was accidental, but your alliteration is absolutely awesome
I see what you did there. e_e
Got a PM, gave you a quick skim. I don't have time for specifics, so just gonna comment on concept and flow here:
Overall… I'd say I liked it. Feels a bit bogged down by the first addendum, though. I personally think you can remove that entirely, so the reader gets to the good stuff (the two collapsibles) before they start losing steam.
The ending in particular is good, I feel. The only issue is that at the beginning, it seems like a standard anomalous item that makes people go crazy—probably downplay those effects a bit? I didn't need to know that it can cause vomiting to be interested, and the dialogue from addendum 1 doesn't particularly add too much new information to what's already been established.
Definitely get another opinion on this re: addendum 1. If you removed that, I'd probably upvote this on the site.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and give feedback!
I was on the fence about the first addendum so I got rid of it and tidied up the rest of the article to reflect the change. It only fit before I added the next two addenda and I don't like it anymore.
Crazy effects of hearing terrible grating sounds for hours and hours were also removed, as they should go without saying. You're definitely right there.
Glad you like the concept!
Okay it's 5.41 am so quick read after I saw your PM
I think the overall concept is cute, and definitely workable. What i don't like is experimenting with a live human cremation for curiosity's sake alone. It's random cruelty no reasonable organisation needs.
In its place you could definitely just do a variety of scenarios ranging from individually restrained test subjects to crowded places. If you need an excuse to listen to someone die, i'm sure you can think of one without resorting to petty murder.
I like the idea, but I think we can work on the pacing a bit. You start by saying you hear the skeletons, it's nasty, but whatever, it works as advertised. Then you hear the voices. Not sure where they're from, at first, but then you find it in the skeletons, as well. Ooh, creepy, but cool.
Then you hear more skeletons. You're not sure where they are, at first. Very faint, at a distance. A test is conducted to track down the sound. It's assumed that it would be where a crowd of them are, but no… this is outside, in a grassy, empty part of the site. Lots of voices, content, idly wondering when new people will show up. But no skeletons are found.
Final note from Site Director: That's where the mass grave that was decommissioned in 2010 lies.
I reworked my draft a bit and modified the addenda in response to above feedback. Would anyone like to give it a look?
Okay, summoned by PM, here are my thoughts:
- Containment seems a little bare-bones. Who has access to this? Can any clearance level take this out of its storage?
- "It lacks any recognizable audio input." > the "it" seems vague as to what it refers to. Try "SCP-XXXX does not possess any recognizable method of audio input"?
- "Power is supplied with a pair of AAA batteries" > maybe supplied by? Idiomatic phrasing here.
- "over the left speaker with an on/off switch" > jarbles up the sentence flow. Try breaking it up and having a new sentence noting that there's a functional on/off switch.
- "Its components otherwise resemble those of a conventional pair of headphones." > wikipedia informs me that there are different kinds of headphones! Maybe specify, so it looks more professional? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Headphones#Types
- "The cardboard box originally containing SCP-XXXX" > verb tense seems a little funky to me. Maybe "the cardboard box SCP-XXXX was originally stored in"
- "promotes it as" > maybe "promotes the contents as"
- "The box features skull graphics and a color scheme matching those of the object itself." > that of the object, or you can just say "possesses a color scheme that matches that of SCP-XXXX"
- "Larger joints, such as knees," > I'd personally go with "(e.g., knee joints)"
There's a lot of other little things, but for now I'll focus on the main overview.
Okay I lied, "Upon hearing any voice, D-4689 is instructed to raise his right hand." is a weird structure for the sentence. Try reversing it to "D-4689 is instructed to raise his right hand upon hearing any voice." Although "any voice" seems a little colloquial still… but no more nitpicking from me >.>;;;
I feel like the addenda could be trimmed down material-wise so you can get to the good stuff sooner. Interview is good, not too wordy, and gives some good lead-in to the rest. I'm not entirely sure about "misplaced Foundation mortuary records were found" since I feel like the Foundation would have better records-keeping than that…
I'm not overly in love with the "For experiment SCP-XXXX-30, Dr. K███ and research assistants enter cemetery near [REDACTED] under cover of darkness." bit, since a. why cover of darkness? and b. it doesn't really give that much more to the story based on what's already there. I agree with WJS above—pacing could use some polishing up.
Tell you what: would you be interested in making this a co-authored article? I have some ideas for small details to be added, but I'd also like to do a more thorough round of edits for clinical tone and professional wording. If you'd rather work on this yourself, no worries, just thought I'd offer since I remember thinking about this from awhile ago. :)
Thanks for the feedback!
I went through and implemented your recommended fine edits. I think they improve the clinical tone. I added the second addendum in an attempt to strengthen the narrative, but I'm not sure that it's necessary given addendum three. I'd certainly like a better excuse to have personnel not immediately aware why there are human remains in the courtyard if we're keeping addendum two.
I am honored by your offer to co-author. Let's do it!
What are your ideas?
Okay, you have offered a distinct imagery of the SCP object here. You have also offered interesting applications of it, although I feel they are relatively minor in the greater scheme of things.
One thing that I think might be lacking is: Why headphones? Think about it. It is even cast as a product, presumably to be mass produced. Does that imply there is a demand for being able to hear one's bones scrapping themselves? What are the headphones to another person? A weird fetish? A way to listen to their true selves?