Part one of the "She's a Maneater" Tale series, better known in chat as "lesbian hunger doggos." The time has finally come.
Date: 22 Sep 2016 20:14
Number of posts: 13
RSS: New posts
LESBIAN HUNGER DOGGOS
IT'S HERE, MOTHERFUCKERS. I want to thank everyone who looked at this in chat, and also Clef. Clef - you inspired this with the Flesh That Mates. Therefore, this is your fault.
I'm not sure how to feel about the way D-Class and all that is treated here. Like, it feels like it's meant to be horror-comedy, but the horror isn't properly escalated to make it hilarious, which leaves us with a Foundation behaving hilariously but the hilarity…. not showing, I guess? I don't know. It's hard to explain. I chuckled more than once, but I feel like the ending was out of left field, because it seems to be trying to create… suspense/subterfuge out of a horror-comedy piece?
Don't get me wrong, the imagery and most of the narrative evokes all the right feelings. I simply felt it could have been stronger/more competent in its execution.
I hope to see improvements on this or perhaps some growth on the author's part in the next piece they release.
Overall it's a tad less clumsy than when I saw it earlier today, and I can't fault an entertaining (if clearly self-indulgent) premise. But I'm not really feeling anything from the relationship you're trying to develop (maybe I'm jaded from having seen it before in its previous draft stages?). When it comes down to it, there aren't much stakes here for the two of them beyond the exposition of dead girlfriends and terrible forced curses. No vote.
Eh. Fair. Made the first change you suggested.
The second one - first of all, it's romantic memories/customs. I changed it so that it's a lot more than two dates.
I think you might be a bit jaded from me having shoved this at you earlier, but I think also I need to do a better job of establishing the stakes. Right now, it's Lakshmi trying to figure out what the fuck is going on, and also figuring out how to deal with the professional consequences of being made to do this. The relationship development hasn't started yet - right now, it's just Lakshmi getting over the initial astonishment. If I added something about Lakshmi trying to figure out who 5760/Avery is, and getting nothing - might that add something?
It doesn't matter how many dates take place in-story if the reader doesn't see them or know anything about them other than a mention or two. I as the reader am not feeling the sense of progression that comes from a long-term relationship.
That said, that's apparently not what you're gunning for, since you say it's still at the stage where Lakshmi is trying to figure out what's going on. So yes, adding something along the lines of what you suggest could help.