It's not quite finished yet; I plan on bringing in an interview transcript, but otherwise I'm just looking to see if I can nail down bigger issues like tone or if the idea's solid enough in its current iteration.
Thank you!
It's not quite finished yet; I plan on bringing in an interview transcript, but otherwise I'm just looking to see if I can nail down bigger issues like tone or if the idea's solid enough in its current iteration.
Thank you!
Hi.
to be kept on lockdown
This phrasing is a bit wonky. Maybe "Buildings containing SCP-XXXX are to be declared condemned and guarded by Foundation personnel." Although, I would replace "Foundation personnel" with a MTF of your choice, or otherwise specifying -what- personnel are guarding it.
for any additional anomalous activity
What anomalous activity? If you mean activity from SCP-XXXX, I would say "activity from SCP-XXXX" just to be clear.
All civilians considering entering SCP-XXXX are to be passively turned away.
Can the Foundation read minds, or did you mean something other than considering? "Attempting" or similar verb might be more appropriate.
portals
This is really my own aesthetic opinion, but I feel iffy about calling things portals flippantly in scips, because there's probably a less fantastical science-based word for them, but you do you.
as a SCP-XXXX-A surgeon
Another weird phrasing bit - maybe "as one claiming to be a surgeon"?
following this, they become a fresh instance of SCP-XXXX-A.
"Fresh" is not quite fitting for the tone, IMO.
Overall: 7/10, like this quite a bit but needs cleaning up.
crit: continued
Then, within the interior of the hospital,
"Then" feels like an out of place way to carry over the instructions. I would throw a semicolon in between the two and replace "then" with "following [thing], [stuff]"
most of the patient’s blood;
Musta missed this the last time, i would specify if it's only taking blood cells, or all blood and pumping plasma back in via tendrils, or whatever the mechanism is.
I appreciate your time, ghostpage. 7/10's a lot better than what I got on my previous attempts with other SCP's, so it's good to know I'm on the right track!
I've gone back and implemented the edits previously suggested. I'll be adding an interview transcript tomorrow, hopefully, but in the meantime, I could still absolutely use any additional feedback you guys can provide!
Hey there! Finally finished critiquing this, here's what I've got.
Detail critique
Procedures:
Description:
Bigger picture critique
The concept is just original enough. Original enough to be worth reading, but not so original it doesn't fit with the rest of the SCPs out there. I think this concept has a lot of potential. Could stand to be cleaned up, thought out a bit more, and maybe expanded upon with some addenda, but otherwise, I'd upvote.
Thanks a ton for your help, Jaime! I've taken your advice and implemented the changes you've suggested, but now I've also added addendum—an interview log! This thing's still in the rough stages, but I like how it's coming along, so if anyone's got any additional feedback, I'd love to hear it!