So, uh, I'm not sure if you meant for your sandbox to contain an email address for everyone to see, but I've fixed the title for you since I'm an admin on the sandbox. Feel free to revert that change if you deem necessary.
Gave you a quick skim. Comments made as I read.
- I'm not sure why you need to have a locker inside a cell. Why not just the locker?
- "level 3 personnel approval" seems a little casual. Try "Level-3 authorization"?
- Description's a little wonky. First it's stated, "SCP-XXXX is a 6 centimeter long, ████ brand laser pointer" and then in the next sentence, "SCP-XXXX appears to be a standard issue red diode laser pointer". Is it for all intent and purpose a laser pointer, or does it just appear to be one?
- "The laser pointer has a battery chamber, but energy is not needed power SCP-XXXX's red light." can be trimmed down to "SCP-XXXX does not require a power source to emit light" or something like that.
- Phrasing is vague sometimes. "When SCP-XXXX is not being used," —> used for… what? Just used for anything in general? Or do you mean the laser switched on? You can admittedly "use" a laser pointer to scratch your ear or stir tea, though those things are ill-advised.
- "the laser pointer displays a red light measuring 650 nm." seems a little redundant given that this information is essentially covered in the first sentence of the description.
- "will travel to the last location of the laser pointer" —> is this the location of the beam or the pointer itself?
- Miles are not metric units, please use metric units.
- "Upon creation, these animals are known as SCP-XXXX-A." —> seems a little weird, since it's stated earlier that the cats travel rather than spontaneously manifest?
- The cat hostility is kind of a lame narrative nowadays, given how many hostile SCPs we've already got and the fact that "rage states" tend to be met with skepticism rather than interest.
- What's up with the corrosion? The effect comes out of nowhere, and doesn't really seem related to cats or lasers at all.
I can't really see this being successful as it currently is, sorry. The cats following lasers is cute, but it ultimately doesn't really relate to kitties going crazy and attacking people, or the random black goo stuff.
I recommend getting the base idea polished up in the Ideas and Brainstorming forum before you try fixing the draft. Go to that forum, post a quick summary of the concept you want to write up (don't link the draft unless someone asks), and reviewers there can help you make the idea more interesting and give you some advice on structuring the eventual article for smoothness of reading and narrative.
(account deleted) 19 Nov 2016 17:14
