Here's a link to the sandbox.
Please leave your input on the draft regarding anything you feel like, really.
Also, any feedback on addendum 2 and the containment procedures is tremendously appreciated, I feel like those are the shakiest parts of the draft, both in their concept and their execution.
Thanks in advance!
Edit 12/04/2016: Updated draft, added mission log excerpt and modified draft according to feedback from rum n napalm and raieth.
Here's a link to the sandbox.
I actually like the concept. I'm a bit of a fan of SCPs about urban legends. In this case, it's the classic hitchhiker story, but the hitchhiker was a chicken all along! OHHHH!
So 10/10 on the concept.
As for the execution, it's decent. Well written, but you focused too much on the "how it works", adding a lot of uninteresting text. Focus more on the idea of "Chicken appearing as people to hitch a ride to migrate to the south in winter". For example, I don't think it's necessary to add that if the chicken dies, it creates a false memory of a dead pet. It doesn't add to the narrative, especially since it looks like it's a rare occurence.
Another tip:you should designate chickens affected by SCP-XXXX as SCP-XXXX-1. That way you won't have to repeat "organism with an active SCP-XXXX" over and over.
Also, why the part about the public exorcism/ funeral in the containment procedures? I'm not quite sure why it's there, apart from blocking access to the affected section of road (and if so, fake roadwork would work just a well and draw less attention)
As for addendum 2, I loved it, just for the idea of a MTF operative trying to make his squad mates touch the chicken.
In short, great concept, execution is somewhat lacking, but nothing that can't be fixed. If you need more help, I'd suggest asking a more experience author on the chat for help.
Well then… I actually did have the chickuns migrating as SCP-XXXX-1 in an earlier draft, but someone in chat (Jekeled, IIRC) told me that the SCP-XXXX-1 designation was probably unnecessary. I think I just misinterpreted what he meant by that, and messed up in the execution of that. I'm going to try to lower the number of "organisms with active SCP-XXXX instances" and similar phrases through some changing in wording and stuff, but if that fails, I will go back to the SCP-XXXX-1 designation most likely.
The public exorcism/funeral thing is for when the chickens' appearance is one of a deceased local celebrity (Local saint, nun who died a couple years ago/has an orphanage or something dedicated to her, stuff like that. Pretty sure there's a hitchhiker story about one o' those.) or something, it's good to have a cover/explanation. But that probably is unnecessary and stupid, I'll probably get rid of that.
False memory thing was just dumb. It's definitely extraneous and unnecessary detail, thanks for pointing it out.
Honestly, thanks so much for giving me feedback!
Okay first I really enjoyed this. the concept is awesome.
First nitpick. Does Galliforme contain the domestic chicken? Because the word chicken is not mentioned once.
Second: either say that any 'chicken' exhibiting these conditions is SCP-XXXX or use the -1 I don't think it really matters but my preference would be -1 as that implies ALL chickens are anomolus in a small way.
All in all, I really like this idea. Get more opinions, refine what you have and repeat until satisfied.
I look forward to seeing this one the main list hopefully soon!
Galliformes are game birds, one of which is the domestic chicken, yes. Flightless domesticated Galliformes can also mean turkeys, funnily enough, which was actually the original topic of the SCP. Then I realised I could make a "Why'd the chicken cross the road" joke, so I changed it to Galliformes.
I'm probably going to change it to mean that all flightless domesticated Galliformes are SCP-XXXX instances this weekend.
The exorcism thing is just dumb, I don't know what I was thinking to be completely honest.
I'll try smoothing out the chance thing, I just wanted to make sure that it didn't seem like the whole chicken population was just shifting location every half a year without anyone noticing.
How Brindley touched the chicken was probably his knees or something, I pictured him kinda trying to tackle the girl and falling onto his face and almost crushing the poor bird.
I might change it to B[Insert blackboxes here] but eh. I don't know, doesn't necessarily have to be so. Especially as he's the leader of the MTF in charge of this thing's containment, if you have this document you might want to know who your leader is.
And yeah, chickens do scratch.
Thanks so much for your feedback! I honestly can't believe two people have already read my draft of their own free will… and told me that they liked at least some part of it. Really makes me feel warm and giggly inside. Can't wait till this weekend, hoping to really put in some time onto this draft then. Glad to hear you liked it, and thank you for your advice! *salutes*