So, this is nowhere near finished, I just don't currently have the time to work on it. I won't be able to work on it for around the next week or so, but I will still be able to read criticism. Any criticism is appreciated, thanks! http://scpsandbox2.wikidot.com/error-54-scp-drafts It's under the draft called "Light"
this is nowhere near finished, I just don't currently have the time to work on it. I won't be able to work on it for around the next week or so
Erm… you know, it's totally fine to hold off on asking for crit until you've got something closer to done and when you've got time to work on it. There's no race to contribute or anything.
That said, quick skim, comments made as I read, here we go:
- I'm going to ignore the missing containment since you mentioned it wasn't done, but I'm not entirely sure it's Euclid, since it's a stagnant location below a mountain, not some teleporting building or a large populated city or the like.
- "around two km beneath Mt. █████████, Greenland. It is a cavern about four km wide" I'm not sure about the wording here. Most of the time I see "approximately" or "x measurement at widest" or the like. "Around" and "about" seem more on the colloquial side of wording to me.
- "about four km wide, three km long, and the current depth" —> problematic parallel structure.
- "The entirety of SCP-XXXX is inhabited by automatons" —> if the Foundation doesn't know how deep the cavern is, how can they ascertain this fact?
- Try to avoid using words in scare quotes. In-universe, the document is written by a professional who would know the correct terminology to use.
- "a number between 001 and 674 will be etched onto" —> sudden verb tense change!
- "Instead of where the face would be located" —> you haven't specified that the XXXX-1's are human-shaped. I didn't even know there would be a supposed face location.
- "It should be noted that all instances show signs of immense stress and fear." —> such as? They're automatons, and function inherently differently from humans. Can you give some examples?
- "Instances of SCP-XXXX-1 seem to be powered by light, regardless of the source." How would anyone be able to confirm this?
- "nothing powering the headlight" —> all that was mentioned was a camera lens, no headlight. Where did the headlight come from?
- "SCP-XXXX has a network desks that are held up by" —> missing a word?
- "10 meters above these desks are massive lights" —> different people will have different ideas of what "massive" entails. Give a measurement?
- "similar appearance to desk lamps, which have a switch on the top that switches it on and off" —> I have a desk lamp that turns on when it's unfolded, no switch necessary. Might want to specify a model rather than just saying "desk lamp".
- "Through thermal imaging, it has been shown that" —> seems like a bunch of words you don't need. "Thermal imaging has revealed…"
I dunno about this. Definitely needs work, mainly because I get the feeling that the writing is kind of clunky and obscures whatever cool stuff could be going on. Did you get the core idea cleared in Ideas and Brainstorming? I feel like it'd be a good idea to decide what the bigger picture here is and how you're going to present it to the audience, before you start picking apart details in the draft. What's going on here with the XXXX-1s? Why are they the way they are? Is there anything they want and are they trying to achieve that? Where does the Foundation fit into all this?