Mkay, gave you a quick look, comments made as I read, here we go:
- Bunch of mechanical errors. Erm… I had some trouble focusing on the story as a result.
- "It doesn't mean 'Start to make your way back'; It doesn't mean 'Just finish your roll of film quick', okay? —> "It doesn't mean 'start to make your way back'; it doesn't mean 'just finish your roll of film quick', okay?" (capitalization, I think?)
- "iving the D-Class personnel their directions for this operation" —> I wasn't sure what "this operation" referred to, unless the "operation" was the directions. Maybe "the operation"?
- "May be you will have"
- "an extra minute.."
- "ten minutes before his alarm this morning, treated it like an extra hour, and still was late to briefing?" —> if you treat ten minutes early as an hour, of course you're going to be late?
- I know its's a top
- out," he sighed. "Without —> same sentence speaking-wise, so why is it split?
I kind of lost interest a little after the halfway mark. Main concern was that I didn't really know what was going on enough to identify with any of the characters. There were quite a few names introduced, but I wasn't really able to remember all of them in-between the scene changes. I wasn't even sure about the setting setup. There weren't really any cues for me to visualize where these people were, beyond there being a ship involved.
To be fair, I don't think I've read 2454, and if I have, I don't remember which one it is immediately. Either way, I do think the piece could benefit from strengthening the characterization beyond dialogue telling the reader about these people. How old are these people? What do they look like? What sorts of nonverbal quirks and microexpressions can you build up for them? Ken Jones and Brad Cannon (I had to check back for the names) were kind of indistinguishable to me at the start.
Your WIP notes can come in handy for this. Maybe have those at the start as an in-universe document insert kinda thing? Sort of like this M13 Personnel Memorabilia Log thing? That way, you'll orient your reader to the characters and they can jump into the story with that knowledge, rather than needing to piece it together from vague hints and then miss the story.