SCP Foundation

Hey guys, on this page I want to post my drafts and because of english is not my mother tounge, I would be very grateful, if you, dear reader, would take a little look on my draft and give me some feedback.
Feel free to edit grammar and other extremely obvious mistakes when you find them. :D
Please let me know if you change something about content or others in this way.

Each comment, edit and critic will help me and my work to grow :D

OmegaWarhead

Gave this a quick look, comments made as I read. I won't comment too much on wording, since as you mentioned, English isn't your first language.

• The formatting is way off. Take a look at the How to Write an SCP Guide, "templates" tab. There's some basic article coding there, please use that. Your headers are too large, improperly bolded, and the text of the containment and description need to follow immediately after the headers, not on the line below.
• "unlit ten (10) by ten (10) by ten (10) meter cube" —> Generally, the number (#) numeration is used for extreme precision measurements that can be fatal if misinterpreted, like drug prescriptions. You don't need to do that here, and especially not with easy-to-measure numbers that don't even have a decimal point.
• The use of "primary containment"/1CS is a little confusing. Why not just break up the paragraphs into similarly-related information and just note "inner containment" and "outer containment" or the like?
• The beginning of the description ("SCP-XXXX has been secured in █████████, Himalayan Mountains.") belongs in the containment procedures. Try to start off by telling the reader what the SCP object actually is and does before you give details on location.
• I don't buy the "computer animation" note. It just looks like a flat black circle. If you really want to use that caption, you'll need a more believable image.
• Try to avoid using words in "scare quotes". In-universe, the person writing the document is a professional, who knows the correct terminology to use.
• "SCP-XXXX continuously creates an absolute zero - exact zero degrees of Kelvin (0° K) – in its directly surrounding area, as measurements constrain" —> I'm not entirely sure if this even makes sense. Wouldn't it wreck the physics of the surrounding environment?

I had to stop reading before the addendum because I really didn't have any clue what was going on. It's a dark ball thing that eats energy? Maybe someone better-versed in physics would understand this, but I was just having trouble figuring out what this thing actually did, and why it was Keter. Why does this thing exist? Was it meant to accomplish something, or does it have a goal of some sort? What's the bigger story here?

At this point, I recommend getting the basic idea cleaned up in the Ideas and Brainstorming forum before you try fixing the draft. Right now, the concept just doesn't seem interesting enough to me, partially because I don't really understand it, and partially because the small bit I do understand I feel like I've already seen before in tons of sci-fi and fantasy works.

Thank you for your feedback.

Please collapse long posts.

Thank you Zyn for your time, because it's really important :D

You're not doing a good job of conveying the basic idea.

It's an orb that's not made out of matter or energy and it needs to be kept at low temperatures because it eats energy? At least that's what I'm getting.

Honestly, I'm not sure where you're going with this except "weird orb is weird." Looking at the final addendum, I think you might be trying to say it's a in the universe? You need to either rethink the core concept or come up with a way of saying it clearly.

From what I could understand, the SCP is a literal hole in spacetime through which the energy of the universe is falling. That in itself makes it a retread of SCP-319 with some SCP-2470 thrown in for good measure.

The problem is that the physics are less than correct, while the poor English makes it hard for me to understand what was badly translated or just wrong. I have no idea what an Energy-Emitting Unit could be; "Maybe SCP-XXXX just pulled the kinetic energy out of the electrons in the copper connection" makes no sense; "the air condition has to be kept on a low energy level" is similarly meaningless; and so on. The silly notes from the researchers to each other and the site as a whole are unprofessional and shatter suspension of disbelief.

You just don't have a good enough grasp of English or physics to make this anomaly compelling.

In my opinion, my english skills are the main issue. I need to improve them, before trying to write something.
The concept is seemingly too ill-conceived.

When my skills are better, I'll be back with another article.

Yours,
OmegaWarhead